He wants me to transfer the money. AIBU to be put off now?

[whatasneezeyone]

Had a date. Went for sushi 🍣

I got a few dishes and he seemed to be counting his coming through. I got some strawberry cheesecake mochi and he said 'that looks nice. I'll try it maybe one time. Spend enough today ahahaa'

Went to tap the card as we agreed to split the bill

I did my half and my card got declined. I said to the waiter, quick as a flash, I'll need to insert my pin because I've probably tapped too many times now

The man I was with on the date said 'let me just get this, please'

And he tapped.

He's now messaging this evening saying 'can you transfer your half? As we did agree to go half. It's Santander xxx yyy lll'

The followed up straight away with a link and saying 'fancy this next week?'

So I have. And haven't replied back to say it's done

AIBU to not be interested now? Just seems a bit petty.

I personally would've just left it if the shoe was on the other foot

This!! Mega ick. Throw him back OP

The offence about "men must pay" is also due to the abuse aimed at men who go Dutch.

That they are crap in bed. Tight. Bad husbands etc

Plenty of us are with such men and they are not like that at all.

I brought my daughter up to believe that her value is in no way attached to some dude's wallet.

Not to mention the hypocrisy that he's tight, while her purse remains firmly clamped.

@AhNowTed - that's not the question I asked you, but ok

Feminism is about equal opportunities for the sexes, not what opportunities you create for yourself by never putting your hands in your pocket.

Not asking someone out to eat in case you will be asked to pay for your own meal is gold digging on a spectacular level.

1. I didn't realise we all had to subscribe to your definition of feminism.

2. I can't speak for everyone, but that's not the reason I don't ask a man out.

You can't really just go around making big assumptions. It doesn't help your argument.

Ok I'll answer.

I'm out with a girlfriend and a mutual acquaintance turns up, thrilled to tell us that she "didn't have to buy a drink all night". Yes, I thought she was pathetic and lacking in self respect.

I've been with my DH for 20 years but I never asked a man out before that either. It wasn't to save money 😂

It is about money for you though.

You said ‘What I would do is I would say to them "oh, there's an exhibition at X. Would you like to go with me", and as I'm a member of a lot of places with a +1, I'd "pay" that way.‘

So you invited them as long as you didn’t have to pay for them.

And yes, feminism has a definition, you don’t get to change it to suit you.

@AhNowTed - sorry, is that subjunctive tense? I can't work out if this was something that actually happened to you or a hypothetical example?

If the former, probably shouldn't go around basing everyone else's motivation and stance on one experience you had.

No. One poster has, however, accused someone with a different opinion of being a man.

@bellezarara - are you really telling me, someone you've never met, what my value system is?

Do you think gifts and tickets are free? They're not. But it's MY way of reciprocating.

Why can't you just accept people do things differently sometimes? I haven't said anything bad about people that do prefer to split the bill. Fuck me.

@ilovesooty - ah, hadn't seen that. Big ass thread.

In retrospect he might have thought you deliberately 'couldn't' pay to make him pay. He may be testing you, to see if you really will pay him back as agreed. You don't know each other well I think a few more dates before you start judging.

It’s a forum, where people debate. You said money is not the reason you don’t ask men out and then said you do invite them out but only if you have a free ticket.

Surely the best way to test her would have been to let her enter her bloody PIN?

Testing her by creating more admin for her just means OP is right to judge him.

@bellezarara - is it a debate when it's just broad brush assumptions?

No, I didn't say I only invite them out when I have a free ticket. But over my dead body are we getting to a show and I'm buying the ticket right in front of him as we stand by th le card machine.

I also said I send little notes and give gifts. I don't have a magical gift tree which requires no expenditure to produce trinkets...

Sounds then like you never do anything for your husband, if you wouldn’t even treat him to some tickets.

@bellezarara - again, heck of a broad brush assumption. You take one or two sentences and make it an absolute without consideration for nuance or, idk, that someone's entire philosophy and dating or marital history isn't condensed into a tweet.

I do absolutely loads for my husband but I don’t recall ever buying him tickets for anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's all just so petty. What is the nuance of below?

But over my dead body are we getting to a show and I'm buying the ticket right in front of him as we stand by th le card machine.

What I would do is I would say to them "oh, there's an exhibition at X. Would you like to go with me", and as I'm a member of a lot of places with a +1, I'd "pay" that way.‘

@Comedycook

In your reasoning as to how buying you a meal is somehow insurance against a man being a likely rapist or murderer, does it not occur to you that the kind of man who would automatically assume to pay the whole bill may also be the kind of man who thus assumes he has 'bought' you for the evening - and also the right to sex with you?

Whereas a man who treats you as an equal from the start, splitting the bill equally, is going from a perspective of you both having equal agency and capacity, without there being any expected 'transaction' having taken place (other than paying for the meal itself, of course)? The only thing at stake is your mutual attraction and compatibility (or otherwise) and whether you might wish to pursue further dates/a possible relationship.

How do you know that, whilst you are holding to 'tradition' - for whatever good reasons - and letting him pay for you both, he isn't also holding to a widely-held 'traditional' understanding amongst a lot of men that, in paying for a woman's meal, he has also bought his way into bed with her at the end?

Some men are like this at first - just to vet the golddiggers. If you like him and want to find out if that's just a wrong first impression or if he is actually stingey, give it 3, 4, 5 dates - if he's a decent guy he'll want to treat you by then. He could have just paid his half and left you to settle it with the restaurant, so maybe he though he was saving you embarrassment. It's easy to forget that on date 1 you are basically strangers and there are lots of misunderstandings/more boundaries than an established relationship.