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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Living at my boyfriend’s parents is hard. Am I ungrateful?

169 replies

PoppppPop · 13/04/2024 17:37

We’re 26. We’re doing it due to unforeseen circumstances - we were renting then he became redundant.
He’s in the process of getting new job so it’s temporary so not long now hopefully.

It’s been a month and I find it so hard. I love my independence and love cooking for myself, I love my own space, I hate being smothered, I hate feeling restricted.

His parents are nice people but here’s a few issues

  • they’re always in, so there’s never any privacy or quiet
  • They’re always watching tv so we never get to choose what to watch
  • They cook dinner every night which are actually really nice but I miss cooking myself. I offered to but they said it’d be a waste of electric cooking a whole other meal
  • I don’t have a key so I feel like a guest
  • they have a dog who barks when we come in. Because parents go to sleep early we can’t get in past 10pm because they’ll be annoyed at us for waking them up
  • they’re always asking questions like what we’re doing, where we’re going, if we’re back for dinner

At first my boyfriend agreed but today I got a bit down and he got annoyed at me. He said all I’m doing is being negative and complaining all the time. He said we have no choice and there nothing we can do.
He said I’m coming across as spoilt and ungrateful because they’re not charging us and they’re helping us out.
I said I can be grateful and also talk about how I’m finding it hard.
He said I need to learn to cope with it myself and just deal with it, because it’s our situation atm. How I need to stop leaning on everyone else to do things and actually find solutions myself to make it more manageable.

His tone really hurt and upset me. Was this wrong? Should I tone it down a little?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 13/04/2024 17:40

The situation is temporary.
His parents are very good to let you both stay there. They are helping YOU out, not the other way round.
Imagine what they would say about you?
You sound ungrateful.
It's their house, why should you get to choose what to watch on TV, cook etc....
Put a TV in your bedroom/go out for walks, coffee etc..

Tommalot · 13/04/2024 17:41

I get it OP, I was in a similar situation to you at your age and it is hard.

However - focus on what you can control. Have you asked the parents for a key? Do you have a job, and does it pay enough to enable you to have a backup plan to rent independently if your boyfriend doesn't find work after X amount of time? If not, are you on the lookout/training for a better paying job? You have options here, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Hang in there!

WhatWouldYouDo33 · 13/04/2024 17:42

Just move out then. Do you pay rent or contribute to bills? They are generous to let you stay in their home where they have their rules and lifestyle. Watch tv on an ipad or your phone but YABU to complain you can’t watch tv.

Grumpynan · 13/04/2024 17:43

Have you tried talking to them ? Ask if you could watch something on tv, take the dog for a walk, offer to cook dinner for them.

it’s only temporary, but you could be laying the foundation of a long term relationship

just speak to them

Original poster
PoppppPop · 13/04/2024 17:44

I’m not saying I should be able to, at all… I just mean it’s not surprising to find it hard to adjust to it because I’m so used to being so independent. I feel like I’m not allowed to be struggling with it

The key is a protected key so can’t just cut a new one apparently. I have a good job but just came back from leave so not got a lot behind me at the moment but yes earning steadily!

OP posts:
BruFord · 13/04/2024 17:45

If it bothers you so much, move out. Could you stay with your own family and he stays with his until you’re able to rent again?

Honestly, being given free accommodation/ no bills at 26 is incredibly lucky, few people have that.

Having said that, I do understand that it’s difficult adjusting to other people’s house rules and lack of privacy, even my DD (19) finds it hard when she comes home for a visit from uni. But it’s that or find an alternative for yourself.

Original poster
PoppppPop · 13/04/2024 17:45

Ah yeah forgot to mention my parents would take me in but they live 2 hours away so not an option with my job sadly

OP posts:
Cbljgdpk · 13/04/2024 17:46

I feel for you; we did this and it was hard going. We pretty much lived in our bedroom though so that we could watch what we wanted on an evening and we did agree that we’d cook for ourselves. Perhaps suggest that you’ll cook for yourselves a couple of days a week and contribute more to the electric if they’re worried about that cost.
also I think you need a key and it helped knowing when we’d be moving out.

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 13/04/2024 17:47

We lived at my in laws with 3 young kids. It is incredibly hard when you’re used to your own space. I remember that feeling of being so happy when they went out because I could only fully relax when they were out - and I love them dearly! We also always had to watch what they were watching, and we couldn’t even go to our room to watch something as the children would be asleep (we all shared one room).

It helped to remember that this was their home, and they also probably looked forward to when we went out - far more than we liked it when they went out! - and that we were invading their space and likely felt as on edge, if not more, than us.

Your frustrations are valid because it’s really difficult living with family but at the same time, it’s their house - they’re entitled to stay in as much as they like, have what they want on the tv etc. etc. It’s them doing you this massive favour and putting themselves out to do it.

Original poster
PoppppPop · 13/04/2024 17:48

My boyfriend saying I was spoilt and ungrateful hurt though. He said I’m only seeing the negatives and he shouted at me. I guess he probably has a point, how can I do better?

OP posts:
Cbljgdpk · 13/04/2024 17:48

I also can see why he’s getting defensive as he’s perceiving it as an attack on him as he’s the one made redundant. Might be better to have a moan to a friend about the parts that can’t be changed.

Newmum738 · 13/04/2024 17:49

They are probably not enjoying it much either! Hopefully, you can get back to your own place soon.

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 13/04/2024 17:50

PoppppPop · 13/04/2024 17:48

My boyfriend saying I was spoilt and ungrateful hurt though. He said I’m only seeing the negatives and he shouted at me. I guess he probably has a point, how can I do better?

It’s a stressful time, you’re venting and frustrated, he’s probably torn between feeling the same but also guilt/ loyalty towards his parents.

Bluevelvetsofa · 13/04/2024 17:50

Yes, it’s difficult, but it’s temporary. It’s probably difficult for them too, sharing their house when they’re used to being on their own.

BruFord · 13/04/2024 17:51

PoppppPop · 13/04/2024 17:48

My boyfriend saying I was spoilt and ungrateful hurt though. He said I’m only seeing the negatives and he shouted at me. I guess he probably has a point, how can I do better?

Have a moan to a good friend instead of him @PoppppPop! Most people don’t like it when others criticize their family, especially when they’re doing you a massive favor. My bff and I regularly vent to each other about family-related issues, I don’t tell my DH. 😂

Icanseethebeach · 13/04/2024 17:51

I imagine it’s very difficult for PIL too.

CaptainCarrot · 13/04/2024 17:52

You do sound ungrateful. Nothing they are doing seems at all unreasonable, with the possible exception of the key situation. You should have a key to the house. But in general, they sound very kind and of course they are doing you a tremendous favour.

When you offered to cook, were you planning to prepare something just for yourself and your boyfriend? Or for his parents as well? I hope it was the latter, though it sounds like the former.

It isn't easy to live with people you don't know well, so you have my sympathy there. But then, so do his parents since they are also no doubt affected by your presence and may feel uncomfortable in their own home. You have two choices. Move out ASAP or accept the temporary situation and do your best to look on the bright side (you're saving money, etc.).

stoneyfaces · 13/04/2024 17:53

they’re always in, so there’s never any privacy or quiet because it’s their house
They’re always watching tv so we never get to choose what to watch because it’s their house
They cook dinner every night which are actually really nice but I miss cooking myself because it’s their house
I don’t have a key so I feel like a guest because it’s their house
they have a dog who barks when we come in. because it’s their house
Because parents go to sleep early we can’t get in past 10pm because they’ll be annoyed at us for waking them up because it’s their house
they’re always asking questions like what we’re doing, where we’re going, if we’re back for dinner because they’re polite, and it’s their house

Mrsttcno1 · 13/04/2024 17:53

You’re not being unreasonable to find it hard but you are being unreasonable to complain about it when there’s nothing you can do to change it right now, you’re both probably finding it hard, you are very lucky to have the option, and on top of him finding it hard he is also having to field your complaints about it.

I get it, we were actually in the same situation after uni while we were waiting to complete on our house. It’s hard going from having your own space to sharing with parents again but unless you have a solution or another option for right now, it’s pointless winging about it and it means that as well as probably finding it hard himself, AND the fact he probably feels responsible having been made redundant, he’s also then dealing with complaining.

Scarletttulips · 13/04/2024 17:54

Why not look at renting a shared house? At least you’d be able to cook for yourselves or even a one bed flat?

You don’t have to stay!

If you’re not paying rent look at a hotel at weekends? It’ll give you some space.

User1979289 · 13/04/2024 17:54

How do you think they feel about it? They are being incredibly tolerant

Loopytiles · 13/04/2024 17:55

Sounds like you personally have financial challenges preventing you renting, alone or with your bf

elliejjtiny · 13/04/2024 17:57

I lived with my in laws for 7 months while our house was being renovated. We were told the renovations would take 2 months, 3 months maximum but it dragged on and on. Landlord wouldn't provide temporary accommodation and council wouldn't house us because in laws were willing to. Absolute nightmare, you have my every sympathy. I would go out as much as you can, watch tv on a tablet in your bedroom and concentrate on doing everything you can to be able to move out.

JMSA · 13/04/2024 17:58

YABU.

Candleabra · 13/04/2024 17:59

Are you paying any rent/ contribution?
Did you say you wanted to cook your own food or offer to cook a family meal?

I think they’re doing you a massive favour and all your points are unreasonable, with the exception of a key. I do think you should have a key to come and go as you please if you’re 26. I wonder if this is contributing to feeling trapped and unsettled if you know you’ve got to effectively ask permission to leave the house (if you know someone will have to be in to let you back in).