Living at my boyfriend’s parents is hard. Am I ungrateful?

[PoppppPop]

We’re 26. We’re doing it due to unforeseen circumstances - we were renting then he became redundant.
He’s in the process of getting new job so it’s temporary so not long now hopefully.

It’s been a month and I find it so hard. I love my independence and love cooking for myself, I love my own space, I hate being smothered, I hate feeling restricted.

His parents are nice people but here’s a few issues

• they’re always in, so there’s never any privacy or quiet
• They’re always watching tv so we never get to choose what to watch
• They cook dinner every night which are actually really nice but I miss cooking myself. I offered to but they said it’d be a waste of electric cooking a whole other meal
• I don’t have a key so I feel like a guest
• they have a dog who barks when we come in. Because parents go to sleep early we can’t get in past 10pm because they’ll be annoyed at us for waking them up
• they’re always asking questions like what we’re doing, where we’re going, if we’re back for dinner

At first my boyfriend agreed but today I got a bit down and he got annoyed at me. He said all I’m doing is being negative and complaining all the time. He said we have no choice and there nothing we can do.
He said I’m coming across as spoilt and ungrateful because they’re not charging us and they’re helping us out.
I said I can be grateful and also talk about how I’m finding it hard.
He said I need to learn to cope with it myself and just deal with it, because it’s our situation atm. How I need to stop leaning on everyone else to do things and actually find solutions myself to make it more manageable.

His tone really hurt and upset me. Was this wrong? Should I tone it down a little?

And she dosnst have key
And she doesn't get to leave and arrive when she wishes...

It's their home, she is a temporary guest and needs to act accordingly.

Turn it around; what can you do to make life better for them? Try to enjoy the programme they choose, cut the lawn, make them a cup of tea, cook dinner for all of you, offer to help with any of the everyday jobs. More important, smile, chat, look out for them. It's a difficult situation for all of you, but worse if you sulk and whinge.

There’s no privacy for the parents either, in the house they pay for. It’s probably just as frustrating for them as it is for you.

I don’t have a key so I feel like a guest

Respectfully, you are a guest in their home.

I can see why you boyfriend got pissed off, as it's his parents and their home.

Your feelings are absolutely valid, but rather than offloading on him, can you not speak to friends or your own family about how you are feeling?

I think you can both see that it’s a positive thing that is being done for you, and find it difficult at the same time. Like starting a new job that you really wanted, but finding it overwhelming at first, or like having a newborn. It’s ok not to enjoy living with your boyfriends parents, whilst also appreciating that they let you. Your BF probably lost his rag because he knows it’s not ideal, maybe has the same feelings you do, but was the one to put you in that position by not having a job, plus they are his parents, so feels defensive. Complain to your friends, be super helpful and polite to his parents, and leave ASAP.

I’m going to go against popular opinion and say I think you are not being ungrateful. I think you sound polite and respectful tbh.

It would be hard living there when you and BF are in your 20s - you don’t always want to have to be home by 10pm like some kid so the dogs don’t bark and wake up the others.

I agree with posts suggesting if possible, for you to move out to a room or even if think about living with your parents for a bit. Can you WFH a couple of days so you don’t need to commute? Can you transfer to another branch of the business if it’s closer to your parent’s place?

I remember when my dad retired and I was late teens and he was home all the time and parked in front of the tv. In turn my mum was home all the time. I was so happy moving out with my now husband in my mid-20s. It’s stifling to be at home with parents. Good luck 🤞

Absolutely this!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to find it hard but I’d imagine every time you complain, your boyfriend is finding it hard and feeling guilty and responsible as he lost his job and it’s his parents who are making you unhappy. So try and limit the complaints where you can to spare his feelings.

Definitely get a TV for the room, I think that will help. Shame about the key situation. Would going to parents at weekend help too?

I understand it’s not great for you but I’m guessing it’s not great for them either and they are doing you a massive favour. The most unreasonable part of your post is moaning that they are always in, do you seriously expect them to leave their home to give you privacy? If you don’t like it then maybe you need to live apart from your boyfriend until you are both in a position to live independently. DS1 and his GF moved in with us between rentals and it was awful, like you they wanted to live like they were a couple in their own space without respecting the fact that they were temporary lodgers in someone else’s house and although I love them both dearly I would never live with them again.

Moan to a friend. You are entitled to your feelings but complaining to him won’t change anything. You aren’t the only person finding it difficult, having their home and routines upended because of the situation can’t be much fun for his parents either.

This.
When they are doing you a massive favour then you need to focus on fitting in with them.
Or else move out.
It is tough and you didn't choose this but at the end of the day they are massively helping you out.
Try to focus on their support and kindness and saving hard to get out of there.
It's equally tough sharing your house with your adult child's partner.

I lived with my exs mum and stepdad when I just come out of uni to save; and I found it very hard too. His mum used to do all the cooking, and we had to watch they had on. Just getting used to living in a shared space again after having complete freedom. We did have a key though.

they are doing you a massive favour, so I would complain to a friend not your bf. I’d put money they find it hard you’re both there too.

things I used to do to make it easier:

• i used to walk home from work which took about an hour to get breathing space and alone time before I got in, or go to the beach, or exercise in some form because I found it hard being in a shared space, that was me, might not work for you!
• offered to cook for the whole family once a week or fortnight so I could choose what to have, they appreciated it also having a night off from cooking! And it built more of a relationship with them.
• Took my tv for our room so I didn’t have to spend all evening in the living room all the time.
• get out and do cheap things on the weekends.
• sit in their garden to chill.

also - I got to know his mum! After a while I got to know her more after I settled and actually we started going out just me and her occasionally for lunch which was actually really nice.

i lived with them for a year.

just keep remembering the positive aspect from it, it’s temporary and you’re saving money. They’re doing you a huge favour. It’s not forever. They’re very nice to let you both stay. Good luck.

He’s not wrong though is he, they are doing you a massive favour and I’m sure it’s no joy for them either. Constantly whinging is very immature.

You "do better" by not complaining to your boyfriend about his incredibly generous parents!

Its fine to find it hard but unless your planning on moving out you need to find a way to deal with it.

they’re always in, so there’s never any privacy or quiet

Go for walk, go to a cafe, go to the gym, Get some Noise cancelling headphones and listen to music, spend weekends at your own parents.

They’re always watching tv so we never get to choose what to watch

Watch things on your phone/tablet/laptop. Buy/borrow a tv for your bedroom.

They cook dinner every night which are actually really nice but I miss cooking myself. I offered to but they said it’d be a waste of electric cooking a whole other meal.

This sounds like you offered to cook your own meals, not that you offered to cook for them. Tell them you would like to cook them a meal at least once a week.

I don’t have a key so I feel like a guest

Offer to pay for getting new set made.

they have a dog who barks when we come in. Because parents go to sleep early we can’t get in past 10pm because they’ll be annoyed at us for waking them up.

Let them know ahead of time when you will be in after 10pm, stay with friends or go to your own parents at weekends so you can be out later.

they’re always asking questions like what we’re doing, where we’re going, if we’re back for dinner

Surely this is just normaal life living with other people. Don't you ask your partner where he is going and when he might be back when he leaves the house?

Be careful your not projecting your frustration with your situation onto your partners parents. And I would seriously consider spending a few weekends a month at your own parents. 2 hours is not that far away, my parents used to live 3 hours away and I would go home almost every weekend.

YANBU But I think more people here relate to bf's parents than you, hence thinking you're meant.

I don't, I can see why your annoyed.

Honestly though, I can't fathom how you it's possible to have a (full time?) job and not be able to afford a room somewhere. You can, am you're choosing to stay to save money and live with bf.

I would simply move out if it was getting too much. Maybe set a time limit of three months then go.

I relate to the OP, I’ve been in her situation and it was shit. However moaning about it doesn’t change anything, it just makes the situation more depressing. If it’s that awful, she can move out.

Aw I really feel for you it's tough staying with family and feeling comfortable. Everyone has their own ways of doing things. How long do you think you will need to stay with them? Just a few suggestions that might help. Buy a small tv for your room or get an amazon tablet, join an evening class. Could you maybe meet up with friends and stay with them overnight for a break. Suggest a day every week that you will do the cooking.

I'd leave. Them and the boyfriend.

But.

They're his parents so he has a really different relationship with them to you.

If you don't have a TV or laptop in your room to watch other stuff on then I can really understand your frustration.

Not being able to cook would drive me mad. Offer to cook for them at the weekend.

And go out and come back by ten. But every evening out is taking away money from your moving on stash.

This. I’ve got one of these keys - they cannot be duplicated. The lock has to be changed.

To be fair it's a bit strange that they haven't been given a key to come and go as they please.

They other stuff, their house, their rules.

I don't know what make you have, but you can buy duplicates for my daughter's extra security keys. They just cost an arm and a leg, and have to be ordered from the company using your security code details.

That's why I live in fear of losing the key that I have for her house!

OP, if you're prepared to pay for the new key (could be up to £40) hopefully your partner's parents will agree to you having one?

Did you offer to cook for them also or just yourself ? When my son and his partner and small child were living with us for 5 months not once did they offer to cook us a meal , not once . I cooked every night for 5 of us . I would have loved a night off, at least one ! 🤣

I think you sound a bit entitled.

I’m probably a similar age to your in laws. When DCs leave home you develop a very different routine and as much as you love them you don’t necessarily want a full house again. They’re doing you a massive favour.