Living at my boyfriend’s parents is hard. Am I ungrateful?

[PoppppPop]

We’re 26. We’re doing it due to unforeseen circumstances - we were renting then he became redundant.
He’s in the process of getting new job so it’s temporary so not long now hopefully.

It’s been a month and I find it so hard. I love my independence and love cooking for myself, I love my own space, I hate being smothered, I hate feeling restricted.

His parents are nice people but here’s a few issues

• they’re always in, so there’s never any privacy or quiet
• They’re always watching tv so we never get to choose what to watch
• They cook dinner every night which are actually really nice but I miss cooking myself. I offered to but they said it’d be a waste of electric cooking a whole other meal
• I don’t have a key so I feel like a guest
• they have a dog who barks when we come in. Because parents go to sleep early we can’t get in past 10pm because they’ll be annoyed at us for waking them up
• they’re always asking questions like what we’re doing, where we’re going, if we’re back for dinner

At first my boyfriend agreed but today I got a bit down and he got annoyed at me. He said all I’m doing is being negative and complaining all the time. He said we have no choice and there nothing we can do.
He said I’m coming across as spoilt and ungrateful because they’re not charging us and they’re helping us out.
I said I can be grateful and also talk about how I’m finding it hard.
He said I need to learn to cope with it myself and just deal with it, because it’s our situation atm. How I need to stop leaning on everyone else to do things and actually find solutions myself to make it more manageable.

His tone really hurt and upset me. Was this wrong? Should I tone it down a little?

Go to your parents every weekend. It will give you all a break.

Go to your parents as they urgently need you 😂

Can you work from there for a couple of weeks. .

Although they ( his parents ) are very generous, it does sound awfully restricting

@PoppppPop You haven't said you're finding it hard, you've listed things people do in their own home. Did you expect them to act like they don't live there? 26 is old enough to rent your own place, you weren't forced to live with them, get your own place if you don't like it.

@PoppppPop I don’t think you are being unreasonable. This part of your Op stood out to me: He said we have no choice and there nothing we can do.

No one would want to be in a situation where they have no choice or to have no control over their own life or what happens to them. I think your boyfriend could have been a bit more empathetic and understanding.

You do have a choice. Here are some options that you might want to consider:

Your boyfriend stays with his parents till he gets back on his feet financially and you rent something affordable for you. Can you afford share accommodation or being a lodger. That way you can have your own key, independence and some autonomy.

Now I get that living separately might not be ideal but it is only temporary and could be better for you than the current situation.

Or you both live in share accommodation and you financially support your boyfriend till he gets back on his feet.

This is an excellent point!!

And the OP is also a failure

She doesn't have enough income to adequately support herself.

The entitlement and whinyness in your thread is so overwhelming and yet you are so oblivious to it. You are an adult and have made the choices that have lead to this situation. Yes, you. Alone. No one else.

Sort yourself out. If you’re so independent then prove it and put a roof over your own head. Or suck it up until you can.

Your feelings are valid op but yohr boyfriend is not the best person to talk to about this!

It is probably hard for them too having you there but for their son's sake are accommodating you.

I love people staying with us but different story when it is longer than a couple of nights!

I don't like the sound of him at all. do you know anyone at work who's got space in a flat? Sometimes you just have to pay for independence.

If you do move out though I wouldn't see anything of him again. Or perhaps you could look for a job near your parents?

But you are staying there because your bf lost the job, and can't pay his share of rent while you can, is that correct? He should not shout at you. It is hard to stay like this even if you are not paying the rent. How long are you both planning to stay here?

No one held a gun to her head and forced her to move into her boyfriend's parent's house, and no one is holding her hostage. She has a lot of cheek to be moaning about his parents to him when they are doing both of them an absolutely enormous favour, and from what she's written, she has nothing to be complaining about. If I were sponging off my partners family, living in their home, I would not be expecting to live entirely on my own terms. It's horrible that she is slagging these people off to their son. It's no wonder he's angry with her.

As I wrote before, she knows where the door is. If she's that unhappy she can go about her business and live somewhere else.

Has he acknowledged that it's easier for him to live under these conditions because they are his parents?

You could move out and your boyfriend could stay with you rent and bill free until he finds a job
which is what you are both doing now to his parents
you won’t like it
but seriously, if it’s bothering you that much let him live with his parents, and you move out to your own place and he can come and visit you
if you are going to stay at his parents, you should be offering a contribution at least unless you are both saving to purchase a property or for a rent deposit
it is what it is you are getting free food cooked for you as well -amazing

I feel lucky that after 4 months I one day could turn around to DP and say “I mean absolutely no offence, but your mum hasn’t stopped talking to me all day and I feel like I’m going mad!” and him no getting huffy with me. He laughed and said “I told you, didn’t I! I’m surprised it took 4 months!”

I was still full of gratitude at this moment of venting and always will be. You can hold multiple thoughts at once. OP is missing the freedom and autonomy of being an adult while also being grateful. Those are normal feelings to have.

I don't think op is ungrateful. Just misses her own space. She sounds appreciative of the parents and they do sound lovely. It's only temporary though and will be worth it. I understand when you appreciate your own space and privacy.

Why don't you move out on your own for the next 6 months or so? You're not obliged to live with him at his parents.

Having to be home by 10pm at 26 is ridiculous. Is the dog really waking them up or have they just decided that’s when you should be home by?

I think that even the most Saint-like patient people who can really understand and display gratitude are challenged when having to live with other people they wouldn’t otherwise live with.

It all sounds very overbearing and as lovely as I’m sure you are I can’t imagine why they’d always want to have tea with you every night!

I think it’s fine for you to say “We are gonna have our own meals from now on a bit later and will contribute to the villa for the extra electric”.

And get a TV for your bedroom! Take it with you when you eventually move out

I think you're getting a very hard time on here. It's difficult to live with other people, let alone your partner's parents. You have my sympathy. Not having a key, not being able to go out to the cinema or theatre or for drinks and come home after 10, having to live with a dog!!!, not being able to cook - these would all be very difficult for me as well.

Hopefully your boyfriend will get a new job soon and between your and his earnings, you can get a new place. In the meantime, are there any compromises which can be made with his parents?

YY if I visit in laws, who I love, after 24 hours I want to punch myself in the face with the overwhelming-ness of being around people who talk mostly about the health complications of their neighbours. Thank god DH agrees and suggests going for a walk!

<slow clap>

It’s also OP’s home right now. People are entitled to feel comfortable and happy in their own homes.
MN seems to hate people who don’t move out the nanosecond they turn 18, I think you’re getting a hard time OP and it’s uncalled for

I was still full of gratitude at this moment of venting and always will be.

You had a single moment of venting @OriginalUsername2 . After four months.
OP has admitted that she been venting regularly and about multiple things. Which initially her partner agreed with, but now he's been tipped over the edge by her constant moaning and criticism of his parents. So a totally different situation.

Yes, she's entitled to be fed up, but she's complaining to the wrong person. They're his parents, he loves them, and they've put themselves out to help (and may well be as fed up as OP but not showing it). So if course he's going to defend them from her constant criticism.

OP needs to moan to someone else.

I never said those feelings weren't normal to have. How she is dealing with it is totally counterproductive. She and her partner have been living there for one month. The way she writes you'd think it's been six years, and as her partner told her, she isn't bothering to try and find solutions. If my parents were being so welcoming and generous and my partner was finding fault with everything, I'd be angry, too.

I would love to know what she has done/tried/offered to do for them besides cooking, because her "in-laws" generosity is off the scale.

But it's not her home.
It's just not, and her comfort and happiness in the environment will and must come second to the inlaws.
Which is shit.
But she has options.
So she either socks it up and doesn't make the obvious mistake of venting to their son. Or she uses one pf her many other options.

There’s a difference between a house and a home and it IS OP’s home now. Just because it’s not permanent and her name isn’t on the deeds it doesn’t mean it’s not her home