Living at my boyfriend’s parents is hard. Am I ungrateful?

[PoppppPop]

We’re 26. We’re doing it due to unforeseen circumstances - we were renting then he became redundant.
He’s in the process of getting new job so it’s temporary so not long now hopefully.

It’s been a month and I find it so hard. I love my independence and love cooking for myself, I love my own space, I hate being smothered, I hate feeling restricted.

His parents are nice people but here’s a few issues

• they’re always in, so there’s never any privacy or quiet
• They’re always watching tv so we never get to choose what to watch
• They cook dinner every night which are actually really nice but I miss cooking myself. I offered to but they said it’d be a waste of electric cooking a whole other meal
• I don’t have a key so I feel like a guest
• they have a dog who barks when we come in. Because parents go to sleep early we can’t get in past 10pm because they’ll be annoyed at us for waking them up
• they’re always asking questions like what we’re doing, where we’re going, if we’re back for dinner

At first my boyfriend agreed but today I got a bit down and he got annoyed at me. He said all I’m doing is being negative and complaining all the time. He said we have no choice and there nothing we can do.
He said I’m coming across as spoilt and ungrateful because they’re not charging us and they’re helping us out.
I said I can be grateful and also talk about how I’m finding it hard.
He said I need to learn to cope with it myself and just deal with it, because it’s our situation atm. How I need to stop leaning on everyone else to do things and actually find solutions myself to make it more manageable.

His tone really hurt and upset me. Was this wrong? Should I tone it down a little?

The key thing is crazy. They need to go to the locksmith they bought it from given them the password and get a new key done. You can offer to pay for it.

This OP.
Also if you dislike it that much nothing to stop you from moving out and renting your own room in a house share. You don't have to live with your boyfriend.
If you can't afford even that you should be grateful that you're not homeless. How would you cope if you broke up?

Also if you were 'on leave' and not earning, has he been funding the roof over your head all this time? That's a lot of pressure for a 26 year old.

YNBU to struggle with this. Your bf sounds a little impatient for not wanting to hear you out. But I guess he feels conflicted about the whole situation. And perhaps guilty too.

Great post^^. Was just going to post exactly the same thing.

Have you thought that your pil probably feel exactly the same way as you do and more?

They are probably desperate for their own space back.

Sorry but YABU. If you want more choices about how you live then you have to make different choices.

How much are rented bedrooms in house shares where you live?

I shared a series of grotty houses with four to five other professionals for a decade before I got married and we could afford our own place. I would have rather done that than lived with pils any day. If you and your bf rented a bedroom in a shared house, it may not be to your liking having to share bathrooms and kitchens, but at least all the residents have equal rights to them ifyswim.

Or is it time to consider a move to a different part of the country? Why does your dh’s job situation dictate where you live? My then fiancé and I lived and worked in different countries before we had enough money to settle down together. it was hard but worth it in the end.

I think you have to suck it up and be grateful. The parents probably aren't thrilled about it either. I understand why it's difficult though.

Isd be nervous about the fact your 26 year old boyfriend shouted at you. Who the hell does he think he is. Fair enough for him to discuss the situation with you but to shout at you like you are a naughty child is awful.

I'd be considering my options if I were you OP.

Your boyfriend was unreasonable to shout at you and call you ungrateful. Moving in with his parents is always going to be harder for you than him.

You were right in that you can be grateful but also find it hard and you should be able to express it. But he was right in that complaining won't solve anything so you need to be thinking of solutions. But because they are HIS parents he needs to help with that and support you. You should definitely have a key, for example, and maybe discuss with them so you can stay out late 1 night a week, and cook 1 night yourself. Those would, in my mind, be very fair compromises.

However other stuff like them being in their own home and watching their own TV isn't something you can expect them not to do. Same with asking you questions - they probably just think they are being friendly whereas you find it nosy.

You are not being unreasonable to find it frustrating. But go out for the nigh and vent to your girlfriends, not your DP.

Some of these have (not ideal but perfectly okay on a temporary basis) solutions;

TV - get a tv for your room or use a device to watch in your bedroom. I'm happily married, and the main breadwinner, and I regularly take myself upstairs to watch tv in my bedroom without having to deal with anyone else in the family.

Cooking - you should ask if you can cook for eveyone. if the issue is that they will point blank refuse to eat what you prepare, either try to find a recipe that would work for everone OR ask your DP to have a quiet word with his parents about letting you have access to the kitchen.

The key is ridiculous. If you can't get one, then at the very least, as per my original statement, go out with your girlfriends and agree with yoru DP you'll text him or call him when you're almost home so he can let you in without the dogs going crazy.

I think you need to suck it up since it's temporary. They're not doing anything wrong. It's their home and they want to love how they want with their rules.

I think I'd feel the same. It's hard to go from having your own place to suddenly not, especially when it's not your fault. I'm sure it's too expensive just to rent on your salary so you feel stuck. I'd set a goal with your partner on how many months you're going to be there. Don't let him get too comfortable or he may not find another job as quickly as he should.
You can feel this way, I probably just wouldn't say it. If anything I'd just mention how you miss having your own space, don't be negative about it because the parents sound lovely. Good luck and hang in there xxx

You could try growing up, for a start. Your attitude is shocking. These people have welcomed you into their home, you are staying there for free, and all you're doing is bitching and whinging. You should be treating them, asking if there's anything you can do for them, and acting like a grateful guest in their home.

If you don't like it, you know where the door is.

Of course that's hard.
But they are doing you a HUGE favour and everything you describe is just what happens when you're in someone else's house and therefore, naturally, living to their rhythms.

But, you do need to let of steam so you can maintain the face of appreciation they absolutely deserve.

So you vent to friends, who will understand but not have skin in the game so won't get personally offended.

Of course you need to share your feelings so they don't overwhelm you, but you need to choose your audience and timing more carefully.
Your bf will bee sensitive to your complaints as criticism in the way a friend won't be.

You shouldn't put him in the position of feeling caught between you and his parents, that's not fair, especially as it will ramp up the pressure on him for finding the next job.
So if you mention it to him, it should be in a 'well it's not or home but we'll be fine for this temporary time' tone.

Then all the feelings of frustration of dancing to someone else's time to some sympathetic mates.

You are lucky to have this sort and need to show that you realise this. But you also need to mentally get through. So be canny and navigate the tricky balance wisely.

I prefer to run my own life. I’d sublet a room in a house share until you guys can get back on your feet.

You're not being unreasonable for finding it difficult (I would too!) but living somewhere for free at 26 with no bills/rent to pay is so lucky so try and look at that positive!

It's not a forever situation. Think about how much money you're saving on rent/bills and I'm sure that would quickly outweigh any negatives you feel concerning the loss of independence.

Try and find simple solutions that may make it easier. Can't watch TV - buy one for bedroom etc.

If you’re constantly moaning about the situation than I can see why your boyfriend got frustrated. It’s the situation. Unless you’ve got any better ideas, then you need to find a way of dealing with it.

Move out. Rent on your own in a shared flat. Or don't complain.

They are doing nothing wrong. They are doing you a massive favour. They are probably not enjoying it either. BUT I would also feel suffocated. I couldn't live like that for more than a month.

Just.Leave.

Can't you watch TV in a laptop? It seems fair to know if you're coming for supper so they know how much to cook/ get tidied up. Do you offer to do the dishes?

Watch tv on an iPad with headphones in your room of an evening ?

Maybe ask if once a week you prepare cook and tidy up the evening meal to give them an evening off and to show appreciation?

What length of time are you looking at before you can start looking at places of your own?

Go to a gym or run in the evenings

It sounds awful, and your bf sounds like a twat

Why does he? His parents are putting them up for free and he’s having to listen to her moaning about how awful it all is?
Dont get me wrong, I’d hate it too, but it doesn’t sound like she’s got much choice at the moment. So what’s the point of the constant whinging? And if she has got other options of somewhere to live, then she should move out.

It must be hard for you all to adjust and lose a bit of independence. It is temporary though so stay focussed on that.

If you miss cooking, could you shop for and cook something that you’d normally have at home? I bet they’d love this little insight into their son’s lifestyle. Maybe even agree a night each week that you treat them to dinner.

Also, are there any genres of programmes or films you all like? Maybe you could recommend something new they’d enjoy.

I was in a similar situation at a similar age and it was hell BUT you can’t voice that! Your boyfriend is right, it’s rude. It won’t be forever so bite your tongue, it could be so much worse.

He shouldn’t be shouting at you but I would imagine that he is also frustrated about the situation but protective towards his parents.

This!

You need your own key! The rest you will have to accept

Yabu, his parents are basically treating you as a child, they may be very nice people, but they wouldn't tell an adult when they could come in or what to eat. Just move out, the resentment will just continue to build otherwise

*yanbu 🤦‍♀️