Living at my boyfriend’s parents is hard. Am I ungrateful?

[PoppppPop]

We’re 26. We’re doing it due to unforeseen circumstances - we were renting then he became redundant.
He’s in the process of getting new job so it’s temporary so not long now hopefully.

It’s been a month and I find it so hard. I love my independence and love cooking for myself, I love my own space, I hate being smothered, I hate feeling restricted.

His parents are nice people but here’s a few issues

• they’re always in, so there’s never any privacy or quiet
• They’re always watching tv so we never get to choose what to watch
• They cook dinner every night which are actually really nice but I miss cooking myself. I offered to but they said it’d be a waste of electric cooking a whole other meal
• I don’t have a key so I feel like a guest
• they have a dog who barks when we come in. Because parents go to sleep early we can’t get in past 10pm because they’ll be annoyed at us for waking them up
• they’re always asking questions like what we’re doing, where we’re going, if we’re back for dinner

At first my boyfriend agreed but today I got a bit down and he got annoyed at me. He said all I’m doing is being negative and complaining all the time. He said we have no choice and there nothing we can do.
He said I’m coming across as spoilt and ungrateful because they’re not charging us and they’re helping us out.
I said I can be grateful and also talk about how I’m finding it hard.
He said I need to learn to cope with it myself and just deal with it, because it’s our situation atm. How I need to stop leaning on everyone else to do things and actually find solutions myself to make it more manageable.

His tone really hurt and upset me. Was this wrong? Should I tone it down a little?

Go and rent a room somewhere else then.
My son is saving up to buy a house with his girlfriend, as much as l like her l wouldn't want her living here. I would feel a spare part in my own home.

I haven't voted because I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

Of course it is hard living in shared accommodation with anyone, even if you were on an even footing. In this situation, you aren't even on that even footing. You are guests, and generally it is hard to be a guest (and hard to host guests) for more than 2 or 3 days.
It is different for your boyfriend, as he has 'gone home' whereas this isn't your home.

OTOH, he is not wrong, on a factual, logical level. They are doing you (as a couple) a HUGE favour. It's not easy for them having extra people in their home for weeks on end.

Of course it is frustrating.
You are not wrong to feel uncomfortable. He is not wrong that you both should appreciate how much this is helping you. He is also probably trying to manage his "guilt" or frustration that you are in this situation because it is his job that has gone. That makes him defensive.
In any circumstance it isn't unusual for couples to have an argument now and then, but when things aren't going well, they will be more frequent.

Bet his parents don’t think it’s great having you in their house either. No privacy, awkwardness if they make polite conversation and ask what you are up to, disrupting their routines.

How long will you be there?

if they didn’t have space for you where would you be instead?

Well I wouldn’t want to live with the in-laws unless there was no other option personally so I understand that part. But it’s their house, their rules and they are doing you a massive favour. So basically put up or shut up and move out and pay your own rent.

Yes. However they are there because he lost his job so he should be grateful to both his parents for the place, and his GF for not dumping his unemployed arse.

If he's shouting at you, I'd reconsider the relationship TBH. The hard times are when you should be able to have a moan together and laugh.

Sometimes the truth hurts. Just because it hurts does not mean he is wrong.

If you feel that way, discuss with the parents about what you would like to do i.e., make dinner once a week etc. it's their home and you are their guests.

Redundancy isn’t a moral failing.

I would absolutely hate to be in your position OP.

You are right - you can be grateful and frustrated by the situation at the same time.

What were you saying when your BF shouted at you? I would keep an eye out with that...if you were simply having a vent and not personally attacking his parents then he's bang out of order.

You move out because you sound very unhappy, get a shared accommodation, I’m sure someone in your area is looking for a lodger. You leave your BF at his parents, once he finds a job he can join you or you guys can find a joint accommodation. Your BF doesn’t sound very understanding and it’s normal you feel super weird living there.

Two things here.

Firstly it can be hard if you're saying anything to your partner that they may take as an attack on their family. I'm sure that's not what you intended and you should be able to speak your mind but I know my DH and I are both defensive of our families.

You do sound ungrateful OP and a bit inconsiderate as you're talking about your own independence and not having any space but what about their space? YOU are living in THEIR house and in their space as a favour for YOU and your boyfriend. You mention what's on tv but do you think to go to your room and maybe get a tv so you can watch what you like and give them some space? Do you think to go out to give them some space?

In terms of management I would say try not to complain too much. It is understandable that it is difficult not to have your own space but you need to accept you are choosing to do this because their is a benefit to you. There are practical solutions to some of the things you mention such as getting a tv in your room (this will also give your hosts some privacy) and maybe finding time to go out. Do you have friends you could visit? Go out for drinks with friends? I accept you may be trying to save money but there may be ways to give each other some space.

Some things do sound difficult like having no key (does your bf have a key?), the dogs and the cooking but I can sort of understand that as I really need my own space and honestly don't think I'd like someone else cooking in my home and would find it hard to have a guest for a long period.

That cant be done, there is nothing that can be done about the key, some keys cant be cut

It's absolutely understandable that you're finding this hard. But every time you complain about something, you're basically criticising his parents, who are doing you both a huge favour. So he's absolutely the wrong audience for your moans.
Do you have a good friend who would listen so that he doesn't have to?

Also he's probably going to feel that he's caused this, having lost his job. I'm sure he finds the same things difficult, but the combination of feeling responsible and wanting to defend his parents every time you moan, is going to result in him getting upset.

It’s short term. Venting to your bf about life is not going to be easy for him. Plus if you were so independent you’d have found a way to not be in this situation.

Watch tv on a chrome book. Offer to cook. It’s their house, you need to be the one to go out. I’d probably tell you to stop moaning and start being more positive as well if I’m honest.

Redundancy isn’t a moral failing.

That very much depends @Youdontevengohere OP hasn't specified.

Honestly I couldn't do this. I would hate it. Tbh I don't really understand why you're there att all. He was made redundant, not you, so why have you moved into his parents house? Can't you find your own flat? Move back in together eventually when you're boyfriend is on better footing.

Huh? Redundancy is when your job no longer exists when they restructure. Loads of redundancies happening round here due to council going unitary and hospital merging.

Before I was in this situation I would have said “My gosh I would be scrubbing the bathroom floor with my own toothbrush in gratitude!”

The reality is very different. Not having freedom and autonomy as an adult can really affect your mental health, as can being cramped up with people you can’t relax around.

Being “between” your DP and his parents can be bloody hard too. They’ve got all their history, shared genes and deep psychological habits and you’re essentially from another tribe having to adapt to their ways and figure things out.

I also lived with my in laws for a period at about that age when we were saving for a house. We had been renting, the price went up and we just weren’t able to save and rent. We paid a few hundred in lodge to cover increased bills and food.

I was very grateful don’t get me wrong and my in laws were/are lovely but I struggled, a lot.

Similar issues, having a curfew for the first time since I left home at 18, not being able to cook my own meals, them being put out if we spent too much time in his room (which I understand now more, feeling like we were treating it like a hotel) lack of privacy, his mum taking my laundry to wash rather than allowing me to do it etc. It’s hard feeling like a kid again when you’ve had independence.

I can see why you’re upset by your boyfriend’s reaction but also I can see why he would be upset about you speaking negatively about his parents as well when they’re putting themselves out by helping. Just think it won’t be forever.

Yes I would hate it.

Is there no option to rent a room in another house? I'd prefer that -no answering to another, allowed out at night, have your own key.

Staying at his parents for a few weeks so you can regroup and find another place -fine. But not long term. Even if free!

If needed I'd ask any friend if they had a spair room I could stay in, on my own if needed, for the next month.

Boyfriend should be getting any job he can to be able to move out again.

“They cook dinner every night which are actually really nice but I miss cooking myself. I offered to but they said it’d be a waste of electric cooking a whole other meal“

It sounds like you suggested that you cook separately for yourself (and maybe your bf), rather than that you offered to cook for everyone? Hopefully that’s not what you meant, as that sounds extremely rude?!

I appreciate it must be a bit shit. But you are there by choice, and moaning about it while continuing to stay there is rude, and is bound to offend your partner.

Or they have their thing that they want, an d their routine. Why should op not be allowed to cook for herself regardless??? She's living there, not a weird guest!

Weekend guest*

If it’s just you find it hard, not genuine issues, he needs to back you up on, I’d moan more to friends. Agree that it’s not just his parents, he might feel the pressure re finding a job.
but, why don’t you talk to him about saying firmly on Saturdays /one night a week we will cook on Saturdays, its so grest if you guys to cook for us but to be honest I miss it so it’s definitely worth the hassle, would you like to share our meal or would you prefer to cook for yourselves? If the latter you need to think about cooking earlier or later or maybe a hot lunch, but you are allowed to do some things differently.

Obviously if you’re not contributing financially you start, and that gives you a bit of support in these conversations given they talked about the cost of electric. You have a job, you can pay something.