Living at my boyfriend’s parents is hard. Am I ungrateful?

[PoppppPop]

We’re 26. We’re doing it due to unforeseen circumstances - we were renting then he became redundant.
He’s in the process of getting new job so it’s temporary so not long now hopefully.

It’s been a month and I find it so hard. I love my independence and love cooking for myself, I love my own space, I hate being smothered, I hate feeling restricted.

His parents are nice people but here’s a few issues

• they’re always in, so there’s never any privacy or quiet
• They’re always watching tv so we never get to choose what to watch
• They cook dinner every night which are actually really nice but I miss cooking myself. I offered to but they said it’d be a waste of electric cooking a whole other meal
• I don’t have a key so I feel like a guest
• they have a dog who barks when we come in. Because parents go to sleep early we can’t get in past 10pm because they’ll be annoyed at us for waking them up
• they’re always asking questions like what we’re doing, where we’re going, if we’re back for dinner

At first my boyfriend agreed but today I got a bit down and he got annoyed at me. He said all I’m doing is being negative and complaining all the time. He said we have no choice and there nothing we can do.
He said I’m coming across as spoilt and ungrateful because they’re not charging us and they’re helping us out.
I said I can be grateful and also talk about how I’m finding it hard.
He said I need to learn to cope with it myself and just deal with it, because it’s our situation atm. How I need to stop leaning on everyone else to do things and actually find solutions myself to make it more manageable.

His tone really hurt and upset me. Was this wrong? Should I tone it down a little?

I feel you OP, I was in this situation and ended up living with my MIL for two years whilst various house purchases went tits up.
I work from home so was stuck in the house all day so it was bloody awful, however you need to bite your lip with your bf and moan to friends. Your boyfriend’s parents are doing you a huge favour, and unless they’re being mean to you in some way it’s very much their house their rules. set a hard deadline for moving out, save some money and go for odd weekends away for your sanity.

Can you not look at a house share if you can't afford full rent? When I was in my early 20s, my ex and I were both offered new jobs meaning a big relocation. We didn't want to obviously renew the lease on our flat then, and rather than move in with either parents, we found a house share for a few months with another couple (some places you may think would be for students, landlords actually prefer working people instead, and they tend to be much better kept)
Would this not be an option?

OP you have come on and mentioned the key but have you taken on board any of the comments suggesting you are perhaps being ungrateful and not being so considerate of your bf parents

Maybe they just don't trust you with the very secure and expensive key.

That's their perogative.

Bottom line. You either like it or lump it.

You don't want to feel like a guest, but you are a guest. It also seems like they are being very kind to you. If you don't like staying there, rent free and having your meals cooked for you then move out.

If you have a job why don't you move into shared accom with some nice girls? Your boyfriend can visit you there. You don't need to be living at his house.
You could also rent an air bnb every other weekend to do cooking and have privacy there - still a lot cheaper than rent.

Shouting at you is not on

Well maybe he does , but not the cooking as we know the parents cook . But a once vacuum or whatever now and again wouldn’t hurt surely?

I love my DIL with all my heart but I would struggle if her and DS came to live with us for an extended period so, yes. I doubt they're enjoying it either. Have you offered to cook? Or "host" a dinner?

Hahahaha! I LOVE that!

Why do you even need a key. If they're always in and never go out , as you stated , then there's always someone in to open the door 🤷‍♀️

OP said they go to bed at 10. So she can't go out and come back after 10. That's not much of a life for someone in their twenties. A ten o clock curfew is ridiculous.

There's something psychologically weird and uncomfortable about not being able to enter the house that you live in, independently. I'd hate that.

Me too. Her Dh should wait up and let her in. Obviously she should have a key but. Since she doesn’t he should make SOME effort!

Certainly wouldn’t hurt him!!

Maybe he does !

I agree completely but if OP hates that the solution is to move out and pay her own way, not moan and grumble.
No idea why she can't move out on her own. Then she can do as she pleases.

I think most posters have missed the fact that op is in this position because her other half doesn't work. She is the sole earner in the relationship. If he was also working they would be able to afford to live independently. They live with his parents because he can't contribute. She shouldn't be having to come home and start cooking, and hosting dinners when she has a perfectly capable unemployed partner to pick up the slack, who instead shouts at HER for being ungrateful.

If the only reason she can’t afford to move out is because her partner is currently unemployed, where would she live if she was single? Because if living with her boyfriend’s parents is so hideous, then she should do what she would do if she was single.
Noone is saying that living with your in laws is a dream (I know, I’ve done it), or that her situation sounds great. But the fact is, either she has no other choice, in which case whinging constantly isn’t going to help matters, or she does have another choice (moving into a flat share without her partner etc), in which case she should either do that or again, stop whinging. Complaining constantly doesn’t solve anything, and generally just makes a tough situation even more stressful for everyone.

I know this is an older post. But I need to mention it's completely normal to feel uneasy restricted. And people saying your being ungrateful your not, lots of people stay with their parents its not uncommon. And this is coming from someone that literally doesn't have parents. Your not being ungrateful, your in your right to feel frustrated its a normal human reaction to something new, and I'm sorry but the fact his parents said you shouldn't cook its uses more eletric?? They are taking advantage of you not paying and not allowing you to live properly. This actually does happen, for some reason some parents will feel superior to giving something free and allows them to feel like they can control silently and they can seem super nice doing it. If they aren't charging you rent that's their choice, tell them you want to pay something in order to use the oven etc. Just becuase someone allows you to stay does not mean YOUR life stops. Also i would recommend you go to your mom's and dump the guy. I might be the only one saying reality in these comments. I've studied psychology and narcissism. Your boyfriend is expelling some major redflags telling you to be grateful instead of just simply listening to your feelings, he's brushing you off calling you ungrateful when all you wanted was him to let out your emotions too. How did it make you feel when he did that? He's telling you to manage your own feelings he's isolated you, you now have no one to speak to about how your feeling he quilted you to keep your mouth shut. How do you feel about that? When will he do it again? Can you really live like that whenever anything comes up he's going to brush you off? I'm sorry to say but how he acted was not living or considerate. Its not how love feels. Go to your mom and find a new job you'll imagine the relief you'll have. Take some time for yourself learn to love yourself, once you love yourself you will realize what you truly deserve. Dont let people control you. Control your own life if you truly don't want to go to your mom's for whatever reason find an apartment. I've been in your position with exs parents I felt constricted its not the same with your own parents. I lived like that for 1 year. I now have issues with keeping my stuff in boxes so people don't go through my stuff ever, my exs parents went through my stuff grabbed stuff without asking. They made me feel as if I was doing somtheing horrible when I asked them not to go through my stuff. Whenever i tried to lay boundries they either said "its my house" " you should be grateful you have a place to stay" its manipulation. My best advice is to just leave you need your own space or you will go crazy. Very long ago when families lived together it was possible because the house was all of theirs together. But now in your situation it's HIS PARENTS house and now a days it's different.

Just becuase his parents are nice and offering, does not mean you need to sacrifice your own sanity and privacy it will take a toll on your mental health eventually, especially when you don't have a key (i would rip my hair out) not knowing when I can leave or needing to let them know when your coming back like a 14 year old. Time to leave girl go to your mom.