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Original poster

Living at my boyfriend’s parents is hard. Am I ungrateful?

169 replies

PoppppPop · 13/04/2024 17:37

We’re 26. We’re doing it due to unforeseen circumstances - we were renting then he became redundant.
He’s in the process of getting new job so it’s temporary so not long now hopefully.

It’s been a month and I find it so hard. I love my independence and love cooking for myself, I love my own space, I hate being smothered, I hate feeling restricted.

His parents are nice people but here’s a few issues

  • they’re always in, so there’s never any privacy or quiet
  • They’re always watching tv so we never get to choose what to watch
  • They cook dinner every night which are actually really nice but I miss cooking myself. I offered to but they said it’d be a waste of electric cooking a whole other meal
  • I don’t have a key so I feel like a guest
  • they have a dog who barks when we come in. Because parents go to sleep early we can’t get in past 10pm because they’ll be annoyed at us for waking them up
  • they’re always asking questions like what we’re doing, where we’re going, if we’re back for dinner

At first my boyfriend agreed but today I got a bit down and he got annoyed at me. He said all I’m doing is being negative and complaining all the time. He said we have no choice and there nothing we can do.
He said I’m coming across as spoilt and ungrateful because they’re not charging us and they’re helping us out.
I said I can be grateful and also talk about how I’m finding it hard.
He said I need to learn to cope with it myself and just deal with it, because it’s our situation atm. How I need to stop leaning on everyone else to do things and actually find solutions myself to make it more manageable.

His tone really hurt and upset me. Was this wrong? Should I tone it down a little?

OP posts:
inthekyoo · 15/04/2024 15:45

Tourmalines · 15/04/2024 09:41

Did you offer to cook for them also or just yourself ? When my son and his partner and small child were living with us for 5 months not once did they offer to cook us a meal , not once . I cooked every night for 5 of us . I would have loved a night off, at least one ! 🤣

So why did you not just ask them to?

Hankunamatata · 15/04/2024 15:54

This is where you moan to a friend. Your partner lost his job and that's why your in this situation so he must carry quite a bit of guilt, couple that with you not being happy! I imagine he is a be sensitive. I'd have a good catch up with a friend.

NewName24 · 15/04/2024 19:37

crew2022 · 15/04/2024 05:14

This.
When they are doing you a massive favour then you need to focus on fitting in with them.
Or else move out.
It is tough and you didn't choose this but at the end of the day they are massively helping you out.
Try to focus on their support and kindness and saving hard to get out of there.
It's equally tough sharing your house with your adult child's partner.

Show quote history

I agree with this

NewName24 · 15/04/2024 19:38

saraclara · 15/04/2024 00:58

I was still full of gratitude at this moment of venting and always will be.

You had a single moment of venting @OriginalUsername2 . After four months.
OP has admitted that she been venting regularly and about multiple things. Which initially her partner agreed with, but now he's been tipped over the edge by her constant moaning and criticism of his parents. So a totally different situation.

Yes, she's entitled to be fed up, but she's complaining to the wrong person. They're his parents, he loves them, and they've put themselves out to help (and may well be as fed up as OP but not showing it). So if course he's going to defend them from her constant criticism.

OP needs to moan to someone else.

Edited

Very well said

Mischance · 15/04/2024 19:49

I have been on the other end of this. My DD and her partner had a fire at their home. They moved in with us while repairs were done - it took ages.

Communication is the key.

I realise that it was easier for my DD because she was with her own parents in what had been her home; but her partner was a very easy-going guy and it all worked out fine. I always asked them if they were OK with things.

I think it is reasonable that the parents should ask whether you are going to be around for a meal etc., and when you are planning not to be there. I know it is bit of a pain, but it is all part of living in a house with others. They are not asking to be nosy. They were happy to go along with that as they realised that they were lucky to be there!

Mischance · 15/04/2024 19:50

And never forget that they have forfeited their privacy to help you!!

Jk987 · 15/04/2024 20:26

Can you stay with your family or a friends for a few days with or without your boyfriend?

Then have another couple of days in a hotel?It would give you a break.

If you cook, it would be for everyone so not twice the electricity! Why don't you take book them in a restaurant one night and pay? Then you and boyfriend can stay in.

Also, put a TV in your bedroom - easy.

Original poster
PoppppPop · 15/04/2024 20:41

I asked my boyfriend about the key (which is a protected key). He said it’s not his place to decide who has a key, it’s for the parents to decide if they want me to have one🥴
Surely if they’d let me move in, why is this even a thing?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2024 20:45

PoppppPop · 15/04/2024 20:41

I asked my boyfriend about the key (which is a protected key). He said it’s not his place to decide who has a key, it’s for the parents to decide if they want me to have one🥴
Surely if they’d let me move in, why is this even a thing?

Why don't you ask them yourself if it would be possible to have a key?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/04/2024 20:47

He’s probably feeling defensive are there because he was made redundant, and they are his parents.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/04/2024 20:57

I have a good job but just came back from leave so not got a lot behind me at the moment

Leave? Maternity?

It sounds like they are doing you both a massive favour-I think you need to consider how stuffed you’d be without them!

Noyesnoyes · 15/04/2024 21:04

PoppppPop · 13/04/2024 17:48

My boyfriend saying I was spoilt and ungrateful hurt though. He said I’m only seeing the negatives and he shouted at me. I guess he probably has a point, how can I do better?

Stop being so spoilt and ungrateful?

NeedToChangeName · 15/04/2024 21:14

They're helping you out, so I think you need to (a) accept their terms or (b) move out

Either way, better to vent to friends, not your boyfriend. Most people don't take kindly to their family being criticised. My sister is awful, I can say that, but I won't tolerate other people criticising her

burnoutbabe · 15/04/2024 21:17

Why shouldn't the boyfriend cook a meal?

Why just the female of the couple?

Does he have a key and you not? Or neither of you?

FictionalCharacter · 15/04/2024 21:18

PoppppPop · 13/04/2024 17:48

My boyfriend saying I was spoilt and ungrateful hurt though. He said I’m only seeing the negatives and he shouted at me. I guess he probably has a point, how can I do better?

He shouldn’t be shouting at you so HE should be doing better to. It sounds very claustrophobic and he should be more understanding.

Greenfluffycardi · 15/04/2024 21:19

Well fancy them doing all that in their own house, how selfish !🙄. Honestly apart from the key, you should have a key and the fact you’d like to cook for yourselves the rest of your list is utterly ridiculous. You’re living in their house and you absolutely cannot expect them to change their way of life to suit you.

KidsandKindness · 15/04/2024 21:25

You asked how you can do better OP, could you perhaps have a conversation with his Mum, maybe start off by saying something along the lines of 'I'm afraid I've been having a moan to BF, about how hard it is sharing a house again after being independent, and then it suddenly occurred to me how much harder it must be for you, having your DS back, and me, a virtual stranger invading your home, is there anything we can do to make things easier and more comfortable for you? She'll probably say 'no, everything's fine', in which case you could say 'I'm sure you're just being nice, but I'd really like to cook for all of us on Saturday as as way of showing how grateful I am for what you're doing for us, would that be OK?'

Also, are you pulling your weight around the house, ie, doing the washing up, doing your own washing, cleaning the bathroom, putting the vacuum round? If not, then start doing these things, if his Mum says 'you don't need to do that', then say 'No, but I want to', with a big smile on your face. Show willing, it's important.

As far as the key is concerned, most houses have a front and back door OP, just ask your DP's Mum, if it would be OK for you to have a key so that you can come and go without disturbing them. For example, if they always use the back door, say 'would it be OK for me to have a key for the front door BF's Mum? Only it seems daft to have to call you to the door every time we come in'.

I do understand how difficult it is for you to have to live with people again after being independent, but you're a grown up now, and your BF has probably just reverted back to how he behaved as a teen at home, ie, letting his DM wait on him hand, foot and finger, but for you, it's never been your home and you have to find a way of fitting in. So maybe, if for example his DM is a great cook, how about asking her if she could teach you how to cook her favourite recipe? They may be older than you OP, but they're only people, and most things can be worked out if you can just learn to communicate with each other.

burnoutbabe · 15/04/2024 21:27

Why should the op do the cleaning and cooking?

It's her boyfriend's parents. He had no job! She is working.

He can surely do the chores here?

Tourmalines · 15/04/2024 21:39

burnoutbabe · 15/04/2024 21:27

Why should the op do the cleaning and cooking?

It's her boyfriend's parents. He had no job! She is working.

He can surely do the chores here?

Where did you read she has to do the cooking and cleaning?? She said she WANTS to cook for herself but they cook all the meals . Not a mention of cleaning !

Lampzade · 15/04/2024 21:42

I understand why you find it difficult Op, but it is their house. They have given you a room in their house and really don’t have to do anything else to accommodate you.
You just have to accept that this is just temporary situation.
Also agree with posters who say that you should vent to your friends not your dp.
Your dp is probably stressed at the moment and you having a whinge about accommodation ( which is free) is probably not very helpful.
if you really can’t cope then get a room in a shared house.

burnoutbabe · 15/04/2024 21:44

@Tourmalines the poster above me said she should offer to cook and also clean and hoover.

I was just saying any chores they do should be done by him not her really as he is the one not working.

MrsMitford3 · 15/04/2024 21:47

I think you sound incredibly spoiled and ungrateful and I don't blame your poor boyfriend-whose parents have opened their house to you for being upset at your attitude. He is probably very grateful for the support during a tricky time being out of work etc

I am on the other side as my DS and wife just moved back with us short term recently-their lease was up and there was a delay in getting into their new flat.
It was so lovely to have them and I miss them loads but it there were definitely times when the house felt the strain of the 2 extra ppl. We had a bit more space so they had a room with a telly in the evening but it is still a disruption to our routine and even though they were thoughtful it is different than the peace of just DH and me in the house.

We have the same situation with our door key-why don't you suggest putting a key safe/lockbox outside and have a key in there ? I might have missed it but does your BF have a key?

Remember you are every bit in their way/underfoot as you feel they are and it is their house.

If you were living at my house in this situation I would feel terribly hurt (and maybe a bit angry) to read this is how you felt after opening my home to you.

Tempnamechng · 15/04/2024 21:49

It's always going to be difficult, and as I see it you are right to feel uncomfortable and crowded, and they are right to expect you just to fit in with their normal life. What is wrong is your oh to call you ungrateful; I think he has a cheek. You are the only earner currently in the relationship and he is living off you and his parents. If he had a job then you wouldn't be in this position.

MissSookieStackhouse · 15/04/2024 21:49

I agree with your boyfriend. You do sounds spoilt and ungrateful. It’s temporary and it’s free, so either suck it up or stump up for short term accommodation. Your choice.

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