To have had it with friend’s selfish attitude?

[CherryShirt]

I have a friend, Sarah, who I’ve known since uni. We’re from the same city originally, so continued to be close after uni, as we both moved back.

I moved to London several years ago now and, while I still see Sarah, I don’t feel as close to her as I once did. She still makes a massive deal of us being best friends, to the point that she once got quite huffy when I introduced her to someone as “one of my oldest friends” instead of my best friend.

Sarah has always had a selfish streak, but I’ve put up with that because she’s a good friend in other ways. However, it’s started to get worse in recent years. Examples:

When I go home for the weekend, she always wants to go out on Friday night, which means either I have to book the afternoon off work to travel or go out straight off the train, taking my bag with me and not getting home until after my parents are in bed, which is unfair on them. There’s no reason we could meet on Saturday - she just really loves her nights out, so gets excited as soon as the weekend hits. Then she goes too hard on Friday night and is too hungover to meet on Saturday. A couple of times when we have agreed to meet on Saturday, she’s cancelled at the last minute because of “a touch of flu” or similar (which is always miraculously cured by Sunday when she calls hoping I’ll come out then instead 🙄). Then she complains she hardly sees me!

She invited me to join her at her aunt’s holiday home in Spain - which is a lovely gesture, but just wasn’t practical at the time. I was about to change jobs and didn’t have any annual leave left; the only way I could have gone was if I’d been able to negotiate unpaid leave. She couldn’t believe I wouldn’t go; she kept saying “It’s free. Who turns down a free holiday?!” She wouldn’t get that losing £600 in wages, before I even considered flights, was hardly free…

I'd gone to our home town for another friend’s birthday party and to see an art trail that was on. Because of the party, I couldn’t meet Sarah in the evening, but asked if she wanted to come on the art trail. I got the whole “Awwh, but I want to go OUT out though” routine. I said I’d already made a commitment. She had a massive strop later when she realised the party was for someone she very vaguely knew (they’ve met twice). She wanted to know why I hadn’t asked her to go along and said she was “hurt”.


Anyway, I think the straw has arrived that will break the camel’s back. Sarah wants to come down to London for bank holiday weekend. I currently have another friend, Kate, staying for a while as she’s split from her partner. As Sarah hadn’t mentioned booking a hotel, I wondered if she’d just assumed she could stay with me, so messaged her saying if she hadn’t got somewhere to stay that she was welcome to my sofa, but that Kate was using the spare room.

I got a reply saying “Great; see you then. Going to need that spare room though! Am too old to be sleeping on sofas! Lol.”

I just find the selfishness of this appalling. I haven’t gone into great detail about why Kate is staying, as it isn’t my place to do so, but Sarah knows it’s going to be for a few weeks - surely she can work out that Kate didn’t just fancy a change of wallpaper? Even if it was just “Sorry, Kate’s staying that weekend”, it would be tough luck - the room is in use and that’s that!

I haven’t even replied yet. I just know I’ll get a whole “But I’m your best friend” guilt trip. But I feel like I’m finished with enabling this crap.

[Shinyandnew1]

She sounds really hard work. I’d reply asap with a ‘sorry, Kate I’m will be in the spare room. Sounds like it’s best if you come another time then if you don’t fancy the sofa xx’

[Therealjudgejudy]

Tell her it's the sofa or nothing.

Hopefully she chooses nothing.....

[hottchocolatte]

Maybe just reply "Lol! Kate's in the spare room so up to you if you'd prefer to get a hotel."

She does sound selfish and a bit immature.

[hottchocolatte]

It needs to be clear before she comes and before she makes plans that she's not having the sofa so it's on her if she decides to come anyway but I'd be concerned about her ruining your time with your other friend as I can imagine her saying something, from what you've said!

[Janetime]

Just respond and say that’s not an option.

[Patchworksack]

You need to be much clearer about what you want and stop bending over backwards to avoid a strop, then just repeat as necessary. ‘Sorry, the spare room is occupied, you can have the sofa or book a hotel’ ‘I’m driving back after work straight to my parents, I will be free on Saturday afternoon’ ‘thanks for offering the holiday, but I don’t have annual leave to take’
If it causes her to see you less that sounds like a win.

[sandrapinchedmysandwich]

@Patchworksack

You need to be much clearer about what you want and stop bending over backwards to avoid a strop, then just repeat as necessary. ‘Sorry, the spare room is occupied, you can have the sofa or book a hotel’ ‘I’m driving back after work straight to my parents, I will be free on Saturday afternoon’ ‘thanks for offering the holiday, but I don’t have annual leave to take’
If it causes her to see you less that sounds like a win.

This. I can't believe she actually expects you to demote Kate to the sofa while she visits. It's so self-centered. That would make Kate feel absolutely shit. She is almost like a metaphorical dog peeing up a lamppost to mark her territory

[vincettenoir]

She sounds a little self absorbed. But none of this sounds unfixable. As pp said if you start asserting your boundaries a bit more she is likely to just roll with it.

[pikkumyy77]

There is no point pussyfooting around with someone like this: they get angry or are conciliating on their own schedule regardless of what you do. So you might as well stick to your guns and just do what you need to (as you did on the Art Walk/party day).

I like PP’s message , basically “LOL: no” —don’t soften it or try to save her face or solve her problem. Just “Looks like we’ve got our wires crossed! No room at the Inn. Let me know when you are free! Lets grab drinks one of those nights when you are in town!”

[RandomMess]

Well there isn't a spare room at mine at the moment as Kate is staying it's the sofa or stay elsewhere. Let me know what you decide x

[CherryShirt]

@sandrapinchedmysandwich

This. I can't believe she actually expects you to demote Kate to the sofa while she visits. It's so self-centered. That would make Kate feel absolutely shit. She is almost like a metaphorical dog peeing up a lamppost to mark her territory

This is exactly what’s annoyed me! Does she really expect me to say to Kate, “Sorry, I know your partner‘s ditched you and you don’t have anywhere to live, but would you mind giving up the one thing you have got - a friend’s spare room?”

[Daleksatemyshed]

She may be a long time friend but she's not a very good one. She's a bit needy and self centred, everything has to be her way.
Tell her if she takes the sofa or doesn't come

[CherryShirt]

I’ve replied. I’ve said “Ha, I know what you mean about sofas! Kate’s definitely still going to be here then, so the spare room isn’t free, but I’m up for meeting up if you decide to get a hotel. If not, let’s arrange something for another time”.

Let’s see what happens…

[EmilyTheCriminal]

@CherryShirt

I’ve replied. I’ve said “Ha, I know what you mean about sofas! Kate’s definitely still going to be here then, so the spare room isn’t free, but I’m up for meeting up if you decide to get a hotel. If not, let’s arrange something for another time”.

Let’s see what happens…

That's a good message.

[Mumofteenandtween]

@CherryShirt

I’ve replied. I’ve said “Ha, I know what you mean about sofas! Kate’s definitely still going to be here then, so the spare room isn’t free, but I’m up for meeting up if you decide to get a hotel. If not, let’s arrange something for another time”.

Let’s see what happens…

Good message.

[YesThatsATurdOnTheRug]

Wow, she's really out of order. Definitely stick to your guns, your spare room isn't free, simple.

[Iloveacurry]

Definitely learn to say no more to Sarah. She sounds awful to be honest.

[pikkumyy77]

Great response!

[TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist]

@CherryShirt

I’ve replied. I’ve said “Ha, I know what you mean about sofas! Kate’s definitely still going to be here then, so the spare room isn’t free, but I’m up for meeting up if you decide to get a hotel. If not, let’s arrange something for another time”.

Let’s see what happens…

That's a sensible reply!

If she doesn't like sleeping on a sofa then she will need a hotel!

[SallyWD]

Wow some people are just so oblivious, aren't they? Tell her again that Kate has the spare room. I think maybe you need to start being more firm with her.

[hopscotcher]

Agree with putting a few more boundaries in place with her (telling her you can't do Friday night for example), but she sounds a bit wearing!

[hottchocolatte]

Let us know when she replies OP!

[ZekeZeke]

She sounds like hard work.
Good response to her.
Keep us updated wirh her reply.

[Cherrysoup]

Excellent message, OP! Very firm yet with humour.

I’d say information diet, stop telling her when you’re back in your home town, or tell her you’re not back til the Saturday.

[BuddyBuddyBumBum]

Shamelessly placemarking for the cheeky fucker’s reply!