To have had it with friend’s selfish attitude?

[CherryShirt]

I have a friend, Sarah, who I’ve known since uni. We’re from the same city originally, so continued to be close after uni, as we both moved back.

I moved to London several years ago now and, while I still see Sarah, I don’t feel as close to her as I once did. She still makes a massive deal of us being best friends, to the point that she once got quite huffy when I introduced her to someone as “one of my oldest friends” instead of my best friend.

Sarah has always had a selfish streak, but I’ve put up with that because she’s a good friend in other ways. However, it’s started to get worse in recent years. Examples:

When I go home for the weekend, she always wants to go out on Friday night, which means either I have to book the afternoon off work to travel or go out straight off the train, taking my bag with me and not getting home until after my parents are in bed, which is unfair on them. There’s no reason we could meet on Saturday - she just really loves her nights out, so gets excited as soon as the weekend hits. Then she goes too hard on Friday night and is too hungover to meet on Saturday. A couple of times when we have agreed to meet on Saturday, she’s cancelled at the last minute because of “a touch of flu” or similar (which is always miraculously cured by Sunday when she calls hoping I’ll come out then instead 🙄). Then she complains she hardly sees me!

She invited me to join her at her aunt’s holiday home in Spain - which is a lovely gesture, but just wasn’t practical at the time. I was about to change jobs and didn’t have any annual leave left; the only way I could have gone was if I’d been able to negotiate unpaid leave. She couldn’t believe I wouldn’t go; she kept saying “It’s free. Who turns down a free holiday?!” She wouldn’t get that losing £600 in wages, before I even considered flights, was hardly free…

I'd gone to our home town for another friend’s birthday party and to see an art trail that was on. Because of the party, I couldn’t meet Sarah in the evening, but asked if she wanted to come on the art trail. I got the whole “Awwh, but I want to go OUT out though” routine. I said I’d already made a commitment. She had a massive strop later when she realised the party was for someone she very vaguely knew (they’ve met twice). She wanted to know why I hadn’t asked her to go along and said she was “hurt”.

Anyway, I think the straw has arrived that will break the camel’s back. Sarah wants to come down to London for bank holiday weekend. I currently have another friend, Kate, staying for a while as she’s split from her partner. As Sarah hadn’t mentioned booking a hotel, I wondered if she’d just assumed she could stay with me, so messaged her saying if she hadn’t got somewhere to stay that she was welcome to my sofa, but that Kate was using the spare room.

I got a reply saying “Great; see you then. Going to need that spare room though! Am too old to be sleeping on sofas! Lol.”

I just find the selfishness of this appalling. I haven’t gone into great detail about why Kate is staying, as it isn’t my place to do so, but Sarah knows it’s going to be for a few weeks - surely she can work out that Kate didn’t just fancy a change of wallpaper? Even if it was just “Sorry, Kate’s staying that weekend”, it would be tough luck - the room is in use and that’s that!

I haven’t even replied yet. I just know I’ll get a whole “But I’m your best friend” guilt trip. But I feel like I’m finished with enabling this crap.

You say you aren’t sure why you posted here. But I think that’s because you needed to see in black and white what the terms of your ‘friendship’ are.

Friendship should be about give and take. There is nothing reciprocal about this relationship and I think you know this. I think you know that your needs - to see your parents on the first night home; to not waste annual leave by taking a half day on a Friday when you can go out in Saturday; to not take unpaid leave (which many employers won’t allow anyway unless of for exceptional circumstances) for the holiday; your need to have her stay elsewhere during or to reschedule her visit to London.

It’s not working for you. Friendships aren’t always measured by, and perhaps shouldn’t be valued according to, how long you’ve been friends. I think you’ve outgrown this one. You’ve outgrown her.

But if you want to maintain it so that some of it, you need to draw lines in the sand - no more Friday nights (this is for her benefit, the cost is all to you); no you can’t go on holiday (doesn’t she have anyone else to go with her - and if not, why not… I think we can all suggest why on this thread); and no she cannot have your spare room (you are not an air bnb and drinking companion - am betting she doesn’t buy dinner or paying for drinks one night as a thank you when she comes, does she?)

I had a friend like this and it went on and on until my mid thirties. My advice is to just end it now if it's taking up headspace. If she's as similar as I think it won't take much!

It sounds like she is stuck at 16 years old

Bigger issues lie beneath methinks. What a messed up person. She’s using you it sounds to me. I’d part ways pronto.

Are you out of your mind?? Sharing a room with a stranger because they don't want to sleep on a sofa or pay for a hotel room.... who the hell would do that??? Plus, it's unlikely that OP has 2 beds in her spare room.

I'd cancel the meet up tbh.

She might not realise Kate is actually living with you rather than also just visiting for bank holiday weekend. Just say you can hardly kick kate out of her OWN room, so it’s sofa or nothing.

Seeing what she has sent back to you and your follow up, I think you should hold off on responding to any further messages from her for some time. Leave her on read. I'd even go so far as to not replying at all unless it's something like "I'm on thew 5.15 to Euston and will be at yours shortly after it arrives" nothing short of actual arrangements that she may make would make me want to send her another message.

Id bet it's more about coming first. Coming second is terrifying. She tests people with her need to come first. Second is exclusion from the tribe to her amygdala.

A

I couldn't stand her. The immaturity, the selfishness, the strops and moods. It's too much. I'd have my fingers crossed that she didn't reply (ever).
Stop pandering to her. She's emotionally manipulative and frankly, a bit of a twat.

Confirm that your spare room is Kate's home for three months and that while Kate is your flat mate, Sarah will need to sleep happily on the sofa or find a Hotel. Send Sarah details of a couple of close by Hotels.

On your weekends home, why do you alert Sarah that you are travelling back and arriving on Friday?
Keep more of your life to yourself.

Wean Sarah off seeing you at her insistance and at short notice. You need to be stronger in telling her that your Friday is booked with a family dinner ,or whatever. Stick to your guns about preferring to go out on Saturday.
You have to please yourself more and be prepared for Sarah to strop in response.The worst that can happen is that Sarah doesn't want to see you as much.(Is that so bad?)

No, @Guavafish1, Kate & Sarah cannot share the room.

I have no idea what the room is like (it could be massive for all I know) but it is absolutely not done to do that.

OP, your stroppy old friend sounds very young & childish. You'll be fine without her.

In situations like this it's worth braving real honesty. I've a friend who I lost because she was putting pressure on me (just after I'd got a new job) and she only had one child and I had two. But now, years later, I wish id really articulated my position to her.

So where u r now, if it's like a crossroads in the friendship, id say " I feel like you don't understand that I can have other friendships and sometimes need to puy other people first. That doesn't mean I don't value our friendship.".

Really spell it out. I wish I had.

The crawl comment made me think back to when I was younger...

Years ago, I had a best friend ('Crystal') I'd had since I was 4/5, up until the age of 24. When we had the odd argument in our teens I was always the one to crawl back to her and apologise. She was no way near as bad as 'Sarah' though (my other best friend was called 'Sarah' then too, but we both knew her from when we were 13/14).

One day at 24, I got accused of doing something by 'Crystal' which was illegal, it turned into a complete shit show though and in the end I didn't know whether she'd made this up to get herself attention, or had accused both me and 'Sarah' of doing this either together or separately because she believed we'd done it separately or together. Her boyfriend at the time was my brother's ex/current best mate and I'd known him since I was 18, he said he 'didn't think I had the bottle to do this' (ha! little did he know) but I was more angry and hurt that she'd believed him over me whom she'd known for years. Bear in mind that I had a job, both of my friends were on benefits with young DC/'Sarah' had just had a baby. 'Sarah' and me were also from good middle class homes, 'Crystal' definitely wasn't. So we fell out and our friendship ended and I was devastated, I think for about 6 months to a year I was really upset and I rang 'Crystal' on her house phone (this was pre or early days of mobiles), to tell her how I'd missed her friendship and I was crying I think, whereupon she told me in a really harsh, nasty voice, "I'll only speak to you/be your friend again if you come crawling back to me on your hands and knees" - I had one of those lightbulb moments, said nothing but put the phone down.

Then, soon after I met someone who became my new best friend and had a great few years going out clubbing with her and our mutual friends, and she never ever treated me like 'Crystal' had done.

Moral of the story - don't let anyone ever treat you like 'Sarah' has done, and it's ok to let friendships ebb and flow, and end even. If they're the right person and friend it may recover. There's more to my story with 'Crystal' which happened in later years and I'm not going to go into it here, now, but I learned a valuable lesson on the day she said the 'crawl' word to me.

With your Sarah, I'd tell her, firmly, she can sulk all she likes but you're putting up Kate as she has nowhere else to go and as you said before there's a sofa there. I'd also readdress some of your boundaries here with her, she just sounds like a user to be honest to me and really immature and self-absorbed especially with the boyfriend and cheating comment.

Hi @CherryShirt what exactly are you getting out of this extremely
one-sided, toxic friendship?

How old are you both? She sounds like she’s about 14 😂.
Who needs this kind of friendship? Friendship is about give and take and balance - your ‘friend’ hasn’t been acting like a proper friend.

You’re obviously a people pleaser and that’s not a criticism- it just means she’s now taking advantage of that - try being assertive with her like the examples others have given but if you don’t feel you can do that, end the friendship.

Nobody says that because you were good friends at uni, you have to keep that going now. Friendships are many different things at different times and because she is clearly still living in her ‘uni era’, she hasn’t been able to move on from that. Imagine for a moment, what would she be like if you married or had kids? She’s just a super selfish, jealous person and that just adds negativity you don’t need in your life. Declutter her as you would your home - I know I sound harsh but you’ll feel better and lighter for it.

Don’t indulge her with any more explanation…it fuels her fire and rewards her entitlement ….you don’t owe her any more of your thinking.

She is stuck in school girl bff mode and hasn’t matured beyond it. Maybe she thinks she is bestowing a great honour on you when she reminds you that she is disappointed because you are not putting her first and foremost.
It’s crazily selfish and all a bit sad really, isn’t it.
Let’s hope she comes to her senses and this ‘disappointment’ can drive her forward in her emotional development and understanding.
I think you should expect an apology but doubt you will get one !

my question is why have you put up with it for so long?

You’ve done the right thing

”I am disappointed. I was looking forward to a nice weekend together, but it seems like you’re not really bothered about whether I come down or not. Oh well”.

this message is ridiculously petulant. I would phase her out. she is rude, selfish and demanding and it would be a mistake to have any further involvement with someone who is prepared to speak to you like this. This should definitely be the end of any friendship. I’d probably not say anything to her, just be busy, as I presume this impacts a wider group of friends.

I don't think you need to end the friendship. Yes she sounds annoying but I have friends like that tbh - there's always one slightly self-absorbed party girl in any bunch. Distancing yourself a bit is fine though, just assert your boundaries. Of course you're not going to kick Kate out of the spare room - tell her that!

I think the answer to this is quite run of the mill. People who behave like Sarah don’t start out behaving that way when they make friends. They establish a friendship and then start making minor transgressions. Friends let minor stuff go as they think it’s a one off/misunderstanding or whatever. Sarah gets away with it. Sarah continues and gets worse. It’s easy to find yourself on the receiving end of this bullshit. It’s just like how people get into abusive relationships. Abusers don’t hit you on the first date, do they.

Protect your peace.

I wouldn't even bother rescheduling things. She sounds like a massive narcissist. She's done it in other relationships.

Maturing is partly down to learning the differences between you and the people you grew up with, and sadly we have to let some of those people go.

She's not bringing anything good into your life, you have to walk on eggshells around her, and she won't take no for an answer. Nobody likes rejection but it is part of life.

I agree. I would not want to be friends with anyone who wrote such a petulant, manipulative message. My dds had more self awareness and maturity aged thirteen!

But there’s no point inwardly seething, how is she going to know this? You do need to be more assertive OP. “No, I can’t go out Friday night, I’m seeing my parents”, “No, I can’t invite you to someone else’s party”, “No, I can’t go on holiday, I don’t have the leave”

Good work on the spare room though! That emotional blackmail reply from her was awful!