To have had it with friend’s selfish attitude?

[CherryShirt]

I have a friend, Sarah, who I’ve known since uni. We’re from the same city originally, so continued to be close after uni, as we both moved back.

I moved to London several years ago now and, while I still see Sarah, I don’t feel as close to her as I once did. She still makes a massive deal of us being best friends, to the point that she once got quite huffy when I introduced her to someone as “one of my oldest friends” instead of my best friend.

Sarah has always had a selfish streak, but I’ve put up with that because she’s a good friend in other ways. However, it’s started to get worse in recent years. Examples:

When I go home for the weekend, she always wants to go out on Friday night, which means either I have to book the afternoon off work to travel or go out straight off the train, taking my bag with me and not getting home until after my parents are in bed, which is unfair on them. There’s no reason we could meet on Saturday - she just really loves her nights out, so gets excited as soon as the weekend hits. Then she goes too hard on Friday night and is too hungover to meet on Saturday. A couple of times when we have agreed to meet on Saturday, she’s cancelled at the last minute because of “a touch of flu” or similar (which is always miraculously cured by Sunday when she calls hoping I’ll come out then instead 🙄). Then she complains she hardly sees me!

She invited me to join her at her aunt’s holiday home in Spain - which is a lovely gesture, but just wasn’t practical at the time. I was about to change jobs and didn’t have any annual leave left; the only way I could have gone was if I’d been able to negotiate unpaid leave. She couldn’t believe I wouldn’t go; she kept saying “It’s free. Who turns down a free holiday?!” She wouldn’t get that losing £600 in wages, before I even considered flights, was hardly free…

I'd gone to our home town for another friend’s birthday party and to see an art trail that was on. Because of the party, I couldn’t meet Sarah in the evening, but asked if she wanted to come on the art trail. I got the whole “Awwh, but I want to go OUT out though” routine. I said I’d already made a commitment. She had a massive strop later when she realised the party was for someone she very vaguely knew (they’ve met twice). She wanted to know why I hadn’t asked her to go along and said she was “hurt”.

Anyway, I think the straw has arrived that will break the camel’s back. Sarah wants to come down to London for bank holiday weekend. I currently have another friend, Kate, staying for a while as she’s split from her partner. As Sarah hadn’t mentioned booking a hotel, I wondered if she’d just assumed she could stay with me, so messaged her saying if she hadn’t got somewhere to stay that she was welcome to my sofa, but that Kate was using the spare room.

I got a reply saying “Great; see you then. Going to need that spare room though! Am too old to be sleeping on sofas! Lol.”

I just find the selfishness of this appalling. I haven’t gone into great detail about why Kate is staying, as it isn’t my place to do so, but Sarah knows it’s going to be for a few weeks - surely she can work out that Kate didn’t just fancy a change of wallpaper? Even if it was just “Sorry, Kate’s staying that weekend”, it would be tough luck - the room is in use and that’s that!

I haven’t even replied yet. I just know I’ll get a whole “But I’m your best friend” guilt trip. But I feel like I’m finished with enabling this crap.

OP you’ve done nothing wrong and now you’ve seen Sarah for the user and guilt-tripper she is, be thankful you may also just have found the perfect opportunity to ditch her if you want and certainly to scale things right back if you want to maintain a friendship. Don’t contact her proactively. If she gets back in touch you know now to step back and assess what she’s really after. Take your time replying and don’t be afraid to state your boundaries once. If she pushes back and asks for more, use her tactic - “Friday doesn’t work for me sorry. Oh well, just looks like we will have to meet up next time round and skip this one.”

and don’t tell her every time you go home!

I think this is normal for people travelling "home" i.e. where they grew up, tbh. At least my parents would be more than fine with me using their house as a base but also seeing other people/doing other things, as long as I also spent some time with them.

Most people have different boundaries and levels of comfort and politeness with their close family vs friends don't they? I wouldn't go into my friends house and just make myself a cup of tea and turn on the TV but would happily do that at my parents (and they would want me to!). Similarly if I was staying with a friend I wouldn't expect them to go off and meet someone else for lunch and leave me to my own devices or to spend hours doing chores like mowing the lawn while I hung around waiting for them but would be completely fine if my parents did these sort of things (i.e. just generally got on with their lives!) during my visit rather than devoting their time exclusively to me.

YANBU

Sarah is a Cheeky Fucker. She's decided to come stay with you in London, she didn't actually wait to get an invite from you to come stay with you, she just said she wanted to come to London, and assumed she'd be staying with you. She didn't even ASK you if she could stay with you on X weekend. That is totally CF territory.

Now, she's being rude and manipulative because you won't kick Kate out of the spare room for her. Er, no, you impose yourself on someone without even asking if it suits that you can stay, you graciously accept the sofa, or rearrange to a date that actually suits the host.

I feel for you, I would start creating distance in the friendship. And I'd stop pandering to her.

She also sounds like a manipulator. An emotional blackmailer.

Be careful around those people. Learn the power of no, and F**k off if they query the no.

Another bizarre non sequitur from you. For a distinguished social commentator, you don't really seem to have much idea of how society actually works.

Maybe you just haven't learnt how to distinguish the good friends from the shit ones.

This woman is a manipulative user, passive aggressive too. I've just has an experience with a similar sounding 'friend' when she came to stay. Needless to say, it ended in tears.

What learnt: set your firm boundaries, say 'no' in a friendly way, offer alternatives, question your friendship with her.

she has arranged to come and stay when

@CherryShirt

Hi

So with many posts, may we ask what is your plan of action, please?

Either way, thanks in advance and good luck😀

For now, I will let her sulk.

Then, on bank holiday Monday, I might get Kate to post on Facebook about what a lovely weekend she’s had in the country and how nice it is to get out of London sometimes 😁

Naughty but essential for your pal to wake up to her serious shortfalls re social edicate

No idea where my precious post came from!

😂😂😂

. . .and how wonderful to come back after that break to a lovely cosy soft and comfortable bed . . . 😂

And don't forget to post yourself how lovely it was to have good friends to stay in your spare room while she was away 😆

This. Perfect reply.

I can't believe the entitlement 🙈
You have to let this friendship go OP... She's hard work.

I think she sounds like a genuine, card carrying, narcissist and I think the minute you stop being of any real use to her or playing her game you will be dropped. I also think you may be better off for it!

I had a friend like this for over 20 years my husband couldn't stand her because I was such a pushover. Thankfully she emigrated and it's fizzled out

I know you're joking OP, but your (actual) friend doesn't need any more drama. Don't post, don't get her to post - don't make this worse. Stay quiet. The best way to deal with this is indeed to not let this person know you're around when you go back home - if that feels unkind, you need to think about why, about what you owe her. Sarah is ignoring your boundaries, and making light of them to minimise your feelings. I had a friend like this, right through secondary. We went to different colleges and she lost her grip on me, and made friends with someone else who was an absolute car crash - they were made for one another. She made a point of rubbing their friendship in my face to try and make me jealous, which bemused me - I didn't understand straight away that that was her intention. (I tried to break away from her while we were at school and everyone around me chuckled and acted like it was no big thing, it felt like I was living in a parallel universe - baby's first gaslighting experience. I now know with my adult head on, if she'd been a boyfriend I'd have had teachers taking me to one side to talk to me about her behaviour towards me, because she was a controlling, nasty nightmare. They weren't looking for it in female friendships though.) Anyway. I no longer speak to her, I last saw her after I travelled home for someone else's hen party over a decade ago and she told me she would be my bridesmaid at my very small wedding - sub 20 people. We never spoke at that point and I'd moved away. She was nuts. It's obviously up to you whether you stay in touch but I doubt she's going to let you do so on your own terms. I recommend letting go, it's such a relief.

Oh, you are a naughty one! That would be so funny, except you wouldn't be there to watch her shit a brick! 😆😉

You are being reasonable so if she ditches you as a friend then you haven't lost anything. She won't though because she has a lot more to lose than you do.

Wow! Her reply is awful! Well done OP.

Honestly OP, as an adult, this woman will be impossible to remain friends with except for possibly going out on the lash with.

The parts of her that you need, over and above being a drinking buddy are simply not there.

This sort of think was normal at 14 but in an adult? No and one day she will embarrass the hell out of you as we are judged by the company we keep. Your gut is already telling you to fade her out.

I would take a good long while to answer, give a vague reply and return home a few times without telling her. If she questions why, tell her the strop she pulled over this was an eye opener for you and she might well leave you alone.

These types suck the life out of you long term.

Any update OP?

Also how can you be unreasonable to have a certain opinion and reaction about someone you know? is it morally wrong to have an opinion on people?