To have had it with friend’s selfish attitude?

[CherryShirt]

I have a friend, Sarah, who I’ve known since uni. We’re from the same city originally, so continued to be close after uni, as we both moved back.

I moved to London several years ago now and, while I still see Sarah, I don’t feel as close to her as I once did. She still makes a massive deal of us being best friends, to the point that she once got quite huffy when I introduced her to someone as “one of my oldest friends” instead of my best friend.

Sarah has always had a selfish streak, but I’ve put up with that because she’s a good friend in other ways. However, it’s started to get worse in recent years. Examples:

When I go home for the weekend, she always wants to go out on Friday night, which means either I have to book the afternoon off work to travel or go out straight off the train, taking my bag with me and not getting home until after my parents are in bed, which is unfair on them. There’s no reason we could meet on Saturday - she just really loves her nights out, so gets excited as soon as the weekend hits. Then she goes too hard on Friday night and is too hungover to meet on Saturday. A couple of times when we have agreed to meet on Saturday, she’s cancelled at the last minute because of “a touch of flu” or similar (which is always miraculously cured by Sunday when she calls hoping I’ll come out then instead 🙄). Then she complains she hardly sees me!

She invited me to join her at her aunt’s holiday home in Spain - which is a lovely gesture, but just wasn’t practical at the time. I was about to change jobs and didn’t have any annual leave left; the only way I could have gone was if I’d been able to negotiate unpaid leave. She couldn’t believe I wouldn’t go; she kept saying “It’s free. Who turns down a free holiday?!” She wouldn’t get that losing £600 in wages, before I even considered flights, was hardly free…

I'd gone to our home town for another friend’s birthday party and to see an art trail that was on. Because of the party, I couldn’t meet Sarah in the evening, but asked if she wanted to come on the art trail. I got the whole “Awwh, but I want to go OUT out though” routine. I said I’d already made a commitment. She had a massive strop later when she realised the party was for someone she very vaguely knew (they’ve met twice). She wanted to know why I hadn’t asked her to go along and said she was “hurt”.

Anyway, I think the straw has arrived that will break the camel’s back. Sarah wants to come down to London for bank holiday weekend. I currently have another friend, Kate, staying for a while as she’s split from her partner. As Sarah hadn’t mentioned booking a hotel, I wondered if she’d just assumed she could stay with me, so messaged her saying if she hadn’t got somewhere to stay that she was welcome to my sofa, but that Kate was using the spare room.

I got a reply saying “Great; see you then. Going to need that spare room though! Am too old to be sleeping on sofas! Lol.”

I just find the selfishness of this appalling. I haven’t gone into great detail about why Kate is staying, as it isn’t my place to do so, but Sarah knows it’s going to be for a few weeks - surely she can work out that Kate didn’t just fancy a change of wallpaper? Even if it was just “Sorry, Kate’s staying that weekend”, it would be tough luck - the room is in use and that’s that!

I haven’t even replied yet. I just know I’ll get a whole “But I’m your best friend” guilt trip. But I feel like I’m finished with enabling this crap.

She sounds like my ex- friend Isabel very self centred and flakey, non committed - dump her and move on you’ll always have to do do things on her terms

I had a teenage best friend that was like this, and she tried to keep it up into our twenties to a degree, even though I had moved away. (So glad I did)
Even on one long weekend when I was pet sitting for my parents (in my early 30's) she'd just assumed I was there for her benefit and that she could monopolise my time.
Make up your mind what works for you generally and BE FIRM with her.
I'm not at all disappointed that the friendship with my old best friend waned and we are now only Facebook friends.

Reply “ sorry but it’s the WiFi only as you know kate is in the spare room “
If she starts trying to guilt trip you reply “We can rearrange in a few months when she leaves” .
if she is still giving you shi$ just reply “ it is what it is “ and don’t bother after .
you are enabling her . If you stop doing it her attitude will change

I’d reply with ‘lol, better book a hotel then’

OP - your "friend" is a using and useless cunt.

Tell her to fuck off and block her.

It really IS that simple.

Friend has power over you, and knows it. Very likely a big reason why she likes you.

Take back your power. Tell her that weekend won’t work, let’s plan another.

Then you will find out if she likes YOU, or if she just likes controlling you.

I think you’ve misread my post. I was trying to make it clear that I DON’T sit inwardly seething; that I HAVE said no to Friday night meets. The point isn’t that she wants all this and I just go along with it - that isn’t how it is. The point is that, even though I’ve made clear why Fridays are bad for me, she still pushes it, or says she’s happy to meet on Saturday, but won’t have the sense not to get utterly plastered on the Friday so that she’s actually in a fit state to be there. This is where my frustrations lie!

Bloody hell I discourage my 6 year old from saying people are her 'best friend' never mind grown-ass adults 🙄 Be assertive OP and grey wall any emotional response. It's the only chance you have of saving this friendship. If she cuts you off altogether then it sounds like you're better off tbh

I think your message was well worded OP.

As for the pushover comments, some of the suggested messages were ruder than I could have sent. No need to stoop to her level but try to assert your boundaries with your own style and that’s fine.

She sounds very young in her behaviour and expectations. Takes me back to school friendships reading it !

On your weekends home, why do you alert Sarah that you are travelling back and arriving on Friday? Keep more of your life to yourself.

I see what you’re saying, but I don’t think it’s the right way to do it. “Keep more of your life to yourself” makes it sound like I’m over sharing, whereas to me, telling a friend you’ll be in town at the weekend isn’t an unusual thing to do. I should be able to feel comfortable saying “I’m up this weekend - are you around on Saturday?” without pretending I won’t be travelling on Friday.

I genuinely appreciate ever my piece of advice I’ve had in this thread (including this one!) But if I’m essentially lying and saying I won’t even be there until Saturday, I’m not really addressing anything. I need to be upfront.

you are right and I should have realised this, having seen it myself.

If you want to continue the friendship you need to have very clear boundaries.

I think you probably need to sit down and practice setting boundaries. Therapist might be good for that? Or some good old YouTube (not as good but crucially free!)

This is exactly what 'Crystal' had over me, but it developed over time... I also think 'Crystal' was secretly jealous of my life, as hers was so vastly different from mine, she was neglected as a child, so much so that my DM even considered fostering/adopting her at one point.

I realised over the years, that though she was supportive and we had fun together, our lives went in totally different directions when she got pregnant at 18 whereas I'd got a job at the same age and time. Our priorities changed but we were still best mates. I do think she wanted things which I had (nice car, nice flat, had been engaged) and so to keep it equal in her mind she invented or contrived to invent this power over me, it kept me in my place nicely. I was always the 'nice' one and a bit of a walkover back then. I realised with my next best friend (and 'Sarah') that your best/closest friends don't treat you like shit, no matter what.

Yes, I agree with this, but if as @RazzlePuff says 'Sarah' here has the power and likes having it, it can be very hard for her to relinquish this power.

When I fell out with 'Crystal' she completely disregarded the fact that I worked and rang me at work to have a go at me, then demanded I met her in town that weekend so she could have another go at me and end the friendship, in a cafe! Totally power play on her part and no amount of therapy or counselling would've changed her mindset, at least back then.

Well this really is on her. She is choosing to get utterly pissed on Friday nights knowing she'll be too unwell to see you on Saturday nights and then proposing a Sunday meet up when she knows you/she has work the next day.

She's ignoring your requests that Fridays are bad for you too and doing exactly what she pleases. She doesn't really take your thoughts or feelings into consideration here, it's all about her.

You choose whether you put up with this or not, but I think she won't change overnight on this one, and if she does, it'll be with a huge amount of drama and pouting.

You just need to say no OP.

Eg : let’s go out on Friday night.

No. That doesn’t work for me sorry, because I have to factor in the travel.

Yes, this is pretty much it. And the more I think about it, the more one-sided it seems.

I've had a friend like this and very similar text exchange to yours and Sarah's. I didn't reply to the "oh well" message, and after 3 years of friendship, she literally never messaged me ever again, and blanked me in the street a couple of years later.

See what happens, but it looks like you've shed a weight, she was trying to control you

Tbh I don't understand why you still want to see her.

When she said "it seems like you're not bothered" I surprised you didn't reply that she had made you realise that actually she's right & you're not!

I would be interested to know your ages.

Sounds like she has regressed to being 18 and stayed there. I do know a few people who went back home after uni and didn't move on emotionally / intellectually. They never really grew up.
These people were always the ones who went out on a Friday, got lashed, got married and then divorced.
Does this sound like your friend.

She'll be making out that you're the baddie here - she's shown you who she is with the cheating on her bf behaviour.

You've done the right thing to metaphorically shrug your shoulders at her. Let her crack on with being immature and selfish, it's not going to be at your expense anymore so that's fine. You're not bothered. 😉

@CherryShirt

Wean Sarah off seeing you at her insistance and at short notice. You need to be stronger in telling her that your Friday is booked with a family dinner ,or whatever.

Beware of her changing tactics and inviting herself to your parents' for dinner at theirs on Friday nights she'd then manipulating you to go OUT out afterwards - maybe even staying over at your parents'. Is she likely to go around you and contact your parents direct? 🌹

I don't think you should lie either, but looking at your reply to her earlier you definitely need to try and work on not over explaining or justifying your plans/behaviour, they are what they are because that is what works for you, and the fact that they 'don't work' for her is truly her problem, so you don't have to explain anything.

Try completely ignoring what she's accusing you of (not caring enough about her) and say something along the lines of 'that's a shame, maybe next time then', just act like you aren't bothered in the slightest whether you see her or not, keep it light and breezy, even so much as just replying 'okay, no problem' and leave her on read if she replies again. I think she'll either get with the program or drift off as a friend.

This is why I dont have friends other than some in the family

Thankfully not! 😱 That would be a nightmare. But she doesn’t know them well enough to try that. We’re from the same city, but because we met at uni it’s not like she was around at my house all the time like a school friend.