To have had it with friend’s selfish attitude?

[CherryShirt]

I have a friend, Sarah, who I’ve known since uni. We’re from the same city originally, so continued to be close after uni, as we both moved back.

I moved to London several years ago now and, while I still see Sarah, I don’t feel as close to her as I once did. She still makes a massive deal of us being best friends, to the point that she once got quite huffy when I introduced her to someone as “one of my oldest friends” instead of my best friend.

Sarah has always had a selfish streak, but I’ve put up with that because she’s a good friend in other ways. However, it’s started to get worse in recent years. Examples:

When I go home for the weekend, she always wants to go out on Friday night, which means either I have to book the afternoon off work to travel or go out straight off the train, taking my bag with me and not getting home until after my parents are in bed, which is unfair on them. There’s no reason we could meet on Saturday - she just really loves her nights out, so gets excited as soon as the weekend hits. Then she goes too hard on Friday night and is too hungover to meet on Saturday. A couple of times when we have agreed to meet on Saturday, she’s cancelled at the last minute because of “a touch of flu” or similar (which is always miraculously cured by Sunday when she calls hoping I’ll come out then instead 🙄). Then she complains she hardly sees me!

She invited me to join her at her aunt’s holiday home in Spain - which is a lovely gesture, but just wasn’t practical at the time. I was about to change jobs and didn’t have any annual leave left; the only way I could have gone was if I’d been able to negotiate unpaid leave. She couldn’t believe I wouldn’t go; she kept saying “It’s free. Who turns down a free holiday?!” She wouldn’t get that losing £600 in wages, before I even considered flights, was hardly free…

I'd gone to our home town for another friend’s birthday party and to see an art trail that was on. Because of the party, I couldn’t meet Sarah in the evening, but asked if she wanted to come on the art trail. I got the whole “Awwh, but I want to go OUT out though” routine. I said I’d already made a commitment. She had a massive strop later when she realised the party was for someone she very vaguely knew (they’ve met twice). She wanted to know why I hadn’t asked her to go along and said she was “hurt”.

Anyway, I think the straw has arrived that will break the camel’s back. Sarah wants to come down to London for bank holiday weekend. I currently have another friend, Kate, staying for a while as she’s split from her partner. As Sarah hadn’t mentioned booking a hotel, I wondered if she’d just assumed she could stay with me, so messaged her saying if she hadn’t got somewhere to stay that she was welcome to my sofa, but that Kate was using the spare room.

I got a reply saying “Great; see you then. Going to need that spare room though! Am too old to be sleeping on sofas! Lol.”

I just find the selfishness of this appalling. I haven’t gone into great detail about why Kate is staying, as it isn’t my place to do so, but Sarah knows it’s going to be for a few weeks - surely she can work out that Kate didn’t just fancy a change of wallpaper? Even if it was just “Sorry, Kate’s staying that weekend”, it would be tough luck - the room is in use and that’s that!

I haven’t even replied yet. I just know I’ll get a whole “But I’m your best friend” guilt trip. But I feel like I’m finished with enabling this crap.

I think I would just message back "Wow". I wouldn't be able to help myself.

It sounds like you’ve grown up and started “adulting” while she is still behaving like a selfish teen/uni student type of attitude. It’s maybe time to leave this friendship behind, as you don’t seem to enjoy the way she does things. Even if time with her is still nice, is it worth all the drama in the lead up to any activity?

I think there’s a lot of truth in that. I’ve thought before now that we probably wouldn’t become friends if we met for the first time now.

I think it’s time to pull back a bit.

Well done, OP. Her chief weapons are fear, obligation, and guilt. Once you gave seen it you can’t unsee it. Another way of looking at it is that she probably has a few more including fawning (being nice). She may resort to that eventually. Stay strong, be polite, don’t accept her overtures until she behaves reasonably.

"lol. I'm not kicking Kate out of her room for the night. Sofa, hotel or rearrange?"

God her response is so passive aggressive. She sounds really entitled!

I think express how you feel. It sounds hard with her and might just be insecurity. I would maybe talk it out and see what that's like. If she can't handle honesty and vulnerability and you explaining your feelings and needs, then that's a bad sign but I would give her this chance to put things on the table

I wouldn't respond again. Leave it now.
Stop any back and forth/tit for tat.
If she is a good friend I would have locked up the phone. All this messaging back and forth isn't good communication.

She sounds very immature. Even if Kate was staying for a 'fun' reason, it would be unkindt to kick her out of the room just because a 'better' offer came along. Shame your friend can't see that.

I am disappointed. I was looking forward to a nice weekend together, but it seems like you’re not really bothered about whether I come down or not. Oh well”.

Her reality is that I am disappointed that I no longer have free accommodation. She feels that she is to good to sleep on the sofa. If she decides to come to you after this she has to sleep on the sofa or pay for a hotel. She will want to go out drinking and socialising and expect you to do this with her and it ends up costing you a lot.
Then she probably say something or ask your friend why is she staying with you.

You were right to send that reply to her. The friend staying with you needs your help and a bed to sleep in for a few weeks until she gets herself sorted out. Sarah meanwhile is behaving like a teenager wanting to meet up for nights out and expecting you to change your plans to suit her. She wants to go out on a Friday night when you visit your parents but will have an excuse why she can't see you Saturday or will be to sick ( hungover) to see you then.
My feeling is that other people that know her are probably moving on with their lives and cooling things down with her.

I have a friend who has spare room in a popular city to visit. She will often get calls from friends and relatives asking can they stay with her for 2 or 3 nights. Some people have stayed with her and left the place in a mess, come in drunk ect and than left not as much as card to say thanks. After doing this and expecting another few nights of free accommodation she told them that unfortunately she is away then ect.

I think that you and Sarah probably shared a lot of things in the past as friends but you feel at this stage she is in contact with you so you go out nights, be free accommodation ect and she is not making much effort with you. I can see why you want to pull away a bit from her now. Your were right to send her this message and if she does not like it we'll she can make other arrangements.

Your reply to her is excellent, OP - firm and friendly and jokey. Perfect. You are not being unreasonable, at all. I would not want to have this person as a friend - she is aware only of her own wants and nobody else's needs. I have an ex-friend who was similar, though not as severe a case, and I gently disentangled myself from that friendship!

Your reply was great OP and her response shows who she really is. The fact she's asked for the room and then still pushed back when you've had to make clear it is not available for her shows she is selfish and even a bit manipulative. It's actually a bit rude of her to suggest you're not that bothered just because you have prior plans.

This. What are getting from this friendship?

Her reality is that I am disappointed that I no longer have free accommodation.

Yes, I’m starting to think this is the case 🙁

And yet, you’ve repeatedly done what she asked when it didn’t suit you down the years, so I imagine she thinks you’ll roll over this time, too. Ask yourself why you’ve been pandering to her for years. Is she more important to you than you are?

Just reply. ‘Spare room not an option. If the sofa doesn’t appeal, you need to book a hotel.’

If I were you I wouldn't put up with any more of this pass agg Bullshit.

Rather than phase her out and prove her right that you aren't bothered you could be a bit more forthright and say that you are fed up of the passive aggressive comments when she cant have it all her own way and its putting you off being friends.

I do wonder how people like Sarah develop this sort of blatant hypocrisy and entitlement. Does she genuinely think that the OP will believe that she's in the wrong here and that its at all reasonable to claim the OP "doesn't seem bothered" when she has the perfectly valid options of sofa or hotel? Maybe she is worried that when she backs out, due to there not being a free bed available, the OP will accuse her of not being bothered, so she is preemptively jumping in with her own spin on the situation to deflect criticism? It's really baffling behaviour to me.

Yes, exactly. You’re seeing this situation more clearly for the first time because it involves casually disregarding the welfare of a third party you care about, not just you. But you’ve behaved as though you are unimportant for your entire relationship with Sarah, and so she doesn’t see why you won’t do so this time again. Are you afraid of Sarah?

Sounds like she's the one not bothered if seeing you is contingent on your spare bed being available.

I wonder does she have many local friends/active social life when you're not available? She seems very controlling and I dont think you should accept that. Your life has moved on, hers hasn't.

It's interesting that she still thinks she should be referred to as your BF rather than an old friend. She thinks she has a bigger part in your life than she really does so she expects you to put her before any other friend. If she wouldn't become a close friend now then, for you at least, this has run its course. Next time you go home Op I'd keep it to myself

I do wonder how people like Sarah develop this sort of blatant hypocrisy and entitlement. Does she genuinely think that the OP will believe that she's in the wrong here and that its at all reasonable to claim the OP "doesn't seem bothered" when she has the perfectly valid options of sofa or hotel?

Unfortunately I think she’ll do exactly that. She once cheated on a boyfriend and, when he refused to forgive her, she managed to turn it around and make it his fault for not being understanding. I remember her looking all bewildered saying, “I made a mistake! Everybody makes mistakes! Everybody!”

The more I look back now, the more I can see how self-absorbed some of her behaviour is. I think I really need to step back for a while, to see if she's someone I still want in my life.

She sounds awful. Well done for standing your ground. I'd be looking to discretely phase her out.