To have had it with friend’s selfish attitude?

[CherryShirt]

I have a friend, Sarah, who I’ve known since uni. We’re from the same city originally, so continued to be close after uni, as we both moved back.

I moved to London several years ago now and, while I still see Sarah, I don’t feel as close to her as I once did. She still makes a massive deal of us being best friends, to the point that she once got quite huffy when I introduced her to someone as “one of my oldest friends” instead of my best friend.

Sarah has always had a selfish streak, but I’ve put up with that because she’s a good friend in other ways. However, it’s started to get worse in recent years. Examples:

When I go home for the weekend, she always wants to go out on Friday night, which means either I have to book the afternoon off work to travel or go out straight off the train, taking my bag with me and not getting home until after my parents are in bed, which is unfair on them. There’s no reason we could meet on Saturday - she just really loves her nights out, so gets excited as soon as the weekend hits. Then she goes too hard on Friday night and is too hungover to meet on Saturday. A couple of times when we have agreed to meet on Saturday, she’s cancelled at the last minute because of “a touch of flu” or similar (which is always miraculously cured by Sunday when she calls hoping I’ll come out then instead 🙄). Then she complains she hardly sees me!

She invited me to join her at her aunt’s holiday home in Spain - which is a lovely gesture, but just wasn’t practical at the time. I was about to change jobs and didn’t have any annual leave left; the only way I could have gone was if I’d been able to negotiate unpaid leave. She couldn’t believe I wouldn’t go; she kept saying “It’s free. Who turns down a free holiday?!” She wouldn’t get that losing £600 in wages, before I even considered flights, was hardly free…

I'd gone to our home town for another friend’s birthday party and to see an art trail that was on. Because of the party, I couldn’t meet Sarah in the evening, but asked if she wanted to come on the art trail. I got the whole “Awwh, but I want to go OUT out though” routine. I said I’d already made a commitment. She had a massive strop later when she realised the party was for someone she very vaguely knew (they’ve met twice). She wanted to know why I hadn’t asked her to go along and said she was “hurt”.

Anyway, I think the straw has arrived that will break the camel’s back. Sarah wants to come down to London for bank holiday weekend. I currently have another friend, Kate, staying for a while as she’s split from her partner. As Sarah hadn’t mentioned booking a hotel, I wondered if she’d just assumed she could stay with me, so messaged her saying if she hadn’t got somewhere to stay that she was welcome to my sofa, but that Kate was using the spare room.

I got a reply saying “Great; see you then. Going to need that spare room though! Am too old to be sleeping on sofas! Lol.”

I just find the selfishness of this appalling. I haven’t gone into great detail about why Kate is staying, as it isn’t my place to do so, but Sarah knows it’s going to be for a few weeks - surely she can work out that Kate didn’t just fancy a change of wallpaper? Even if it was just “Sorry, Kate’s staying that weekend”, it would be tough luck - the room is in use and that’s that!

I haven’t even replied yet. I just know I’ll get a whole “But I’m your best friend” guilt trip. But I feel like I’m finished with enabling this crap.

Anyone who starts their whine with 'Aww' is stuck back in infant school. People like her usually manage to twist everything to be someone else's fault, she'll be regaling anyone who listens tat the OP has cut her off!

Having just seen her 'you're not bothered about me coming then' reminds me exactly of a family member of mine. If something isn't her way she manufactures some sort of argument or hurt feelings. If someone doesn't then concede she threatens not to come. For years people would drive an hour out of their way to pick her up, when she could get a perfectly good train or mess about with plans to suit just her (and inconvenience everyone else), recently that hasn't been the case.

We've had some humdingers as a result, but it was ridiculous. Especially when all of those accommodations would be made and she'd cancel half the time for the same 'touch of the flu' your friend suffers from.

Think a lot of us are watching this thread with great interest!

Imbalance in friendships is a big issue, I bet lots of us have been there.

Obvioulsy Sarah is , to most of us, a whiny attention seeking pain in the backside. Definitely someone who you wouldn't start a friendship with now.

They say ' breaking up' with a friend is harder than breaking up with a romantic partner. I can see why people would think that.

There's probably two rules to follow here ..

1. Don't lie - Either by omission or outright. It's always a bad idea and always gets suggested by people on Mumsnet for some reason.

   2 . Be firm and confident  -  She is the problem, not you. You can manage   this friendship in anyway you wish to.  Nothing you suggest, apart from total appeasement, will be unreasonable. 

Do you want to see her at the bank holiday weekend? if you don't, just say so. If she gets huffy or nasty, that's on her.

You seem to have grown apart and have different interests and priorities. I think you know what you need to do.

Suspect she doesn’t have many other friends.
if you still enjoy seeing her, do it on your terms. If she won’t accept that, I’d be letting this drift.

Are you at an age/ time of life where you are up for going out on Friday after a days work and a train journey and getting hammered, then showing up drunk at your parents when they’re in bed?

I just couldn’t be fucked with that after the age of about 20!

Mumsnet is hard because comments about the specific situation that you've posted about can feel like very general assumptions or criticisms about you. And sometimes people are making those assumptions which makes it even harder!

From my perspective, there's nothing wrong with how you're interacting with Sarah in principle. If she was a person with a similar understanding of normal boundaries then telling her you'll be in town over the weekend and would like to go out on Saturday would be fine. But she's not that person. She's a person who pushes and pushes. You're not a person who routinely gives in to her, but at the moment the way she is behaving is taking up a lot of your mental energy that you'd like to use differently, right? So when someone says "don't share so much of your life" about telling her you're in town, I would take it less as "you're generally an oversharer", and more advice that in this friendship with this person it would be sensible to share less than you do about where you'll be and what you're doing.

And then obviously you don't actually have to follow that advice!

😳

Is she still sulking, OP? No more messages?

I'd be tempted to take this opportunity to either back off or, if she does message you (probably with yet more sulking) to point out to her that her demands are getting really tiresome and that she holds you to ridiculously high standards that she doesn't meet herself.

If she chooses to cut you off for confronting her then it's not really a huge loss at the moment, is it?

Well done for not allowing her to bully you into giving her the spare room.

You did however state this which means either I have to book the afternoon off work to travel or go out straight off the train, taking my bag with me and not getting home until after my parents are in bed.

It doesn't mean you HAVE to do either of those things. You can simply say I can't take the time off work and will be seeing my parents on Friday night so I can see you on Saturday.

She sounds awful. How old is she?

@CherryShirt
Sometimes friendships or relantships change and not allways for the better,

Or
.is it that this friendship has allways been out of balance cause she is needy selfish and immature

and you have gained cofindence and have outgrown this friendship and hence therefore you are seeing this friendship more for what it is really like,
than you used to then?🤔

I think she your friendly is essentially a demanding needy and likes being around you cause she knows she can quite often get her own way at times and you are conflict avoidance type of person..

Friendships and relantships wax and wane go through phases

I feel sorry for your parents tbh. It sounds a bit like you are using their house to have weekends at "home" but then spending a lot of the time making arrangements to see others - a bit like when Sarah needs to use the spare room at your place.
Happy to be told that you don't do that and Sarah's attemped manipulation of your weekends at home don't mean that your parents come off second best.

I am disappointed. I was looking forward to a nice weekend together, but it seems like you’re not really bothered about whether I come down or not. Oh well.

Cheeky so-and-so! I take it she hasn't got back to you? Sounds like you're well rid!

I don't think that having your grown-up child come to stay for the weekend and see old/local friends whilst they're there is quite the same thing as a friend demanding you turf another friend out of your spare room and onto the couch for her, is it?

I think OP you are a genuinely good friend and that shows with helping Kate.

Sarah comes across as if she should be your only friend and decides on the majority of your friendship.

I think going forward you have probably outgrown the friendship and no longer want the stress of Sarah trying to guilt trip.

How would she feel if you have a deep conversation with her about the certain situations that bother you? or would she just simply guilt trip you?

I think the best thing to do is either have that conversation or take a step back and decide if she is someone you want in your future, what do you get out the friendship?

Otherwise as previously mentioned you are supporting a friend going through a tough time already that shows your a good person. 🌺

Just call her out OP. Go straight for the gut. you know shes pouting and using these manipulative tactics to soften you and get her way . Stating that youre not bothered"
What kind of friend does that??? How does she have a right to tell you if youre bothered. Shes not you. Say that to her.
How dare you tell me Im not bothered. Do you know my thoughts? Do you live in my brain? What kind of friend as you say you are would make this judgment and try to make ME feel bad for saying its not possible? Looks like youre the one who isnt bothered only youre trying to throw in a last stab and throw shade on me for having boundaries just to get your way
Well thanks Sarah for showing me what kind of friend you actually are . Now I know so "I" can decide if YOU should be in my life from this moment forward"

Thats what I would say. I know its very black and white. I know its very common for people to use guilt tripping, coercive and manipulative behaviour but I dont stand for that EVER. I dont expect it to come from me to others and dont expect others to try tricks on me. As soon as I spot someone trying this on me depending on how much I like them I will challenge it straight away and they're response will tell me the needed information and if they arent apologetic Ive pretty much written them off in my mind already. Im nobodies pawn or play thing and you shouldnt be either

i get people have difficult lives and we need others but most adults know what they're doing and its not fair on anyone to be run around my someone elses selfishness who hasnt grown out of high school "youre not allowed any other friends IM your best friend" yet. Its toxic and bad for ones health to allow it

Is it really that awful that to spend some time with friends when you go home for the weekend? I said in my opening post that I don’t think it’s fair to my parents if I go out the minute I’m back and then roll in late - that’s the whole reason I don’t want to do it!

I don’t mean “have to” as in it’s obligatory - I mean that’s what I have to do if I want to go out on a Friday night (which is why I push for Saturdays).

The only part where you are being unreasonable is where you tell her you're visiting home. Stop doing that and making hassle for yourself. Make sure you say kate is too old for the sofa too and shes already installed in the bedroom so tough luck and see how she reacts. Its a shame to throw the whole out. Give her a chance and update us 🤣

This reminds me of a friendship I had in my late 20’s. There was always a sense of ownership on my time and a prioritisation of her needs over mine.

If I asserted my own preference I was being selfish or not caring about her. Partying often topped all too. I found the friendship draining and I had to really distance myself.

The ending of that friendship was a landmark in a way, it was one of those friendships I’d had for years since my teens, it was a mode of relationship that needed to evolve as the complexities and demands of my life grew/shifted but for whatever reason my friend would not/could not let it. Maybe the same for you OP?

My adult friendships have the assumption of respect for space and boundaries built it.

When I go home for the weekend, she always wants to go out on Friday night, which means either I have to book the afternoon off work to travel or go out straight off the train, taking my bag with me and not getting home until after my parents are in bed, which is unfair on them.

I got as far as this before I was rolling my eyes.
You have enabled this selfish behaviour by not having "decline to go out" as one of your options. You've prioritised your friend's desire to go out over the comfort of your parents, who you are actually staying with. You've also prioritised her over your own needs (booking leave, carting a bag around).
It's no wonder she treats you as she does. Let me guess...she has few very close friends and many who come into her life briefly and then drop her or who are dropped.

What a ridiculous reply!

She's basically saying that the only thing that makes a "nice weekend" is the bed she sleeps in, as everything else is the same!

I wonder if she will come back to your latest message; maybe she thinks if she leaves it a few days and tries again you'll back down!!

I got as far as this before I was rolling my eyes.

Maybe you should have continued reading 🙄

I've known people (mostly women) be like this... not necessarily friends of mine because I wouldn't put up with this for long, but, friends of friends who've behaved like this towards their friends. They then expect everyone to dance to their tune and be understanding whenever they're sick hungover and up for a night out when they're sober again. Most people either put up with them and go 'oh it's 'Sarah' again, we all know her and her ways' or they've just dropped these friends over time.

But it does get really irritating if they feel like they call all the shots, like they're some sort of puppet master. It's one thing doing it in your uni days or even when you graduate, but it's another thing letting it carry on and being utterly selfish way into your 20s and beyond.

It is one sided of her, and she's either not being called out on this behaviour or worse, she doesn't think it's wrong, so she carries on doing this.