Should I have expected my wife to answer?

[Reddca]

Getting ready to take DS out; I am down stairs getting ready and wife is in the kitchen, we are in separate but adjoining rooms. DS, who is up stairs, calls as he needs help with something.

I ask my wife if she can go upstairs and help DS but she doesn’t answer. I wait and then ask again and still no answer. I go upstairs and help DS.
Then I have a moan at DW for not answering my question. She claims that I should have know that she was busy and shouldn’t have asked.

I said, I didn’t know how long she was going to be and a simple yes or no would have been enough.

instead of descalating the situation, I continued to moan at her for not answering, and she went back to bed upset at me and left the house angry at her.

we were meant to see a house today but she doesn’t want to go.
its not the first time she has ignored a question when she thinks i should know the answer.
was I being reason?

Sounds like she's fed up of being the one expected to always drop what she's doing, and being berated if she doesn't comply

You sound like a barrel of laughs.

It doesn't sound like you were asking, more like delegating - that might be alright or not, depends on your relationship. And both of you were occupied. But my main gripe about the post is that I hate it when my DH attempts to speak to me from another room. Unless it's an emergency then come to me if you wish to speak to me, but don't keep on shouting from another room.

Why didn’t you just respond to your child’s request for help in the first place? Why was your first reaction to shout for your wife? Was what you were doing more important?

Had she prioritised getting herself ready whilst you had recreational time and had she been primary carer already?

@Reddca why could you not have just gone up to help your son? you dont need your wife to do all the running about after your child!

Hmm. I’m guessing you’re suppose to be looking after DS this morning but you’re expecting your wife to look after your child when it’s your turn?

“Why didn’t you just respond to your child’s request for help in the first place? Why was your first reaction to shout for your wife? Was what you were doing more important?”

This. Why was it your wife’s job to attend to your shared child? Why didn’t you just go to help your child when they called?

If you called out to her from another room telling her to go upstairs and help ds, and there was no good reason for you not to do it, yabvvu.

Is this a reverse, OP? If not, you sound completely unreasonable - in the time it took you to ask your wife, wait, then ask again, you could have gone up and helped your son yourself. If you feel she isn't doing her share of these ad hoc parenting tasks, talk to her about it like an adult.

She was rude- that would do my head in

No excuse for not answering regardless how much effort is to say " can't right now"

I am also not going to provide you with an answer out of solidarity.

If you want to talk to someone, go and talk to them - don’t call out from another room - especially if you want to negotiate for her to do something. She’s not a dog.

HTH

Clearly you were able to help DS so you should have just done it instead of expecting your wife to. Which I'm sure is a habit.

You were both unreasonable, your poor DS! She could have replied that she was busy but then you having seen she was a bit stressed out could have been the bigger person for the sake of your DS and let it go.

This has got to be a reverse

instead of descalating the situation, I continued to moan at her for not answering, and she went back to bed upset at me and left the house angry at her.

• *If you have the insight to recognise you didn't descalate the situation, then you have the insight to recognise you've both been at fault here.

So if she could hear you but didn't answer, you've got bigger problems than your child needing help. This is unhealthy, and it seems like you both don't know how to communicate healthily to one another.

I think you should have just gone and helped your son rather than calling out twice to your wife. She must be fed up to the back teeth of you always trying to delegate to her.

Also if I’m in the kitchen cooking or clearing up , it’s very annoying if people call from other from the tasks you do in the kitchen are reasonably noisy and you just need to get on with them.

It’s so frustrating when someone calls you for another room expecting you to stop what you are doing and either shout back or come to you stopping what you are doing to, losing your train of thought and meet their needs. I wonder if this is a regular occurrence.
Think about how often you shout at her from another room and expect her to drop everything to come to you. it’s lazy and demanding on your part

I make it a point now to not answer anyone who isn’t int the same room as me. After years of being expected to drop everything and find the shouter, or shout back, I’ve stopped. Find me if you want something.

Why didn't you help your son?

I had just gotten out of the shower (downstairs bath). I would have normally gone but asked her as I was getting myself ready.

Depends what she was in the kitchen doing and what "getting ready" means. But you were both downstairs, both clearly busy, you should just have seen to your son, particularly if getting ready meant getting yourself ready.

Sorry cross posted.
If you were naked or dripping wet in a towel, then yes it makes more sense for her to go up. Perhaps t would have been more sensible just to keep quiet and wait for her to hear your DS rather than issuing instructions.