Should I have expected my wife to answer?

[Reddca]

Getting ready to take DS out; I am down stairs getting ready and wife is in the kitchen, we are in separate but adjoining rooms. DS, who is up stairs, calls as he needs help with something.

I ask my wife if she can go upstairs and help DS but she doesn’t answer. I wait and then ask again and still no answer. I go upstairs and help DS.
Then I have a moan at DW for not answering my question. She claims that I should have know that she was busy and shouldn’t have asked.

I said, I didn’t know how long she was going to be and a simple yes or no would have been enough.

instead of descalating the situation, I continued to moan at her for not answering, and she went back to bed upset at me and left the house angry at her.

we were meant to see a house today but she doesn’t want to go.
its not the first time she has ignored a question when she thinks i should know the answer.
was I being reason?

IMO she was rude to ignore you

I think it's bad manners not to reply.

A quick "I'm in the middle of doing the dishes" or whatever would have been better than leaving you not knowing if she'd even heard you or not.

If she doesn't reply a lot if times is it because it becomes a tit for tat 'well I'm too busy" "no I'm the one that's busy' type thing while you try to get out of doing something and she can't be arsed helping yet again?

Perhaps the who does what and when rules need looked at again?

I hope you're not one of these parents that seems to think the home maker mother should be responsible for the kids 24/7 as you have a Big Important Job monday to Friday and that somehow means you can do nowt on evenings and weekends!? She needs time off too. You need to share the chores at those times.

Apologies if you're a good person and I'm bang out of line and it's your wife that's unhelpful.

In our house this would go "Can you sort him I'm just out of the shower"
"Ok" or "No I'm doing A, B or C" if the second "OK DS hang on a minute" from one or other of us. No drama, no taking to bed in a huff. Just a normal few minutes family interaction. If your life regularly looks like you describe, then you need to take steps to change it as it must be exhausting for you both. Not to mention upsetting for DS when he's old enough to see the fall out that a request from him leads to.

Was the agreement that it was you in charge of your DS and she was having a morning off? Many women's complaint is that they never get to do that because the other parent can't get on with things themselves. You tried to delegate, she was having none if it. I can't help feeling that if she had said no, a strop/moan would have happened. Do you have to help your wife every morning so she can have a shower without seeing to your son?

Never, ever, ever, ever ever ask someone to do something if you can do it yourself.

So what if you just got out of the shower - you had a towel didn't you?

Stop barking orders at your wife from another room and step up and parent your kid. Is it your wifes kid too?

instead of descalating the situation, I continued to moan at her for not answering

Why? This sounds like a reverse

"I hope you're not one of these parents that seems to think the home maker mother should be responsible for the kids 24/7 as you have a Big Important Job monday to Friday and that somehow means you can do nowt on evenings and weekends!? She needs time off too. You need to share the chores at those times."

Seeing as he's the one taking the kid out and ages the one ignoring her spouse and child and flouncing off to bed without a care for childcare, I doubt it

Yes she was rude not to answer

But they were. You thought getting dressed was more urgent than whatever your wife was doing, which you admit you didn’t know. You could have interrupted your own activity and seen to your child.

Thank you for my daily reminder to be sooooooo grateful I am single and all this kind of silly passive aggressive / controlling / opty-outy behaviour is behind me forever.

What stands out to me is that you were "getting yourself ready" and therefore deemed it your wives job to help your son, even though you didn't know what she was currently doing.

I never have the luxury of "getting myself ready" uninterrupted. Many mums don't.

I suspect it's this that pissed her off. Instead of delegating to her and shouting from another room for her to do it, just go and do it yourself.

This ^^

and then to continue to moan at her after !

It depends a lot on your relationship. For years I wouldn’t have answered because you are taking ds out- WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NEED TO ASK ME TO HELP GET HIM READY WHEN ITS NEVER EVER CROSSED YOUR MIND TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL ALL OF THOSE MORNINGS WHEN I TOOK HIM OUT?? So just asking me would make me want to stab you with a fork and I definitely wouldn’t be talking to you. Except to remind you he’s your child too. Now, I would answer, as he does a lot more. But I might answer no you’re the parent this morning, you will just have to navigate the endless challenge of getting yourself ready and getting your child ready.on the bright side, it is so much easier for you as you don’t have to do your hair or do your makeup or put contact lenses in, so I’m sure you can handle it.

On the face of it she's fed up of being shouted at to do something while in the middle of another thankless boring task.

But she might just be lazy & super rude.

And you leaving the house angry might be a bit of a sulky huff, or might be storming out banging doors & raging.

So her not wanting to see the house might be because she's not sure she wants to carry on living with you, or might be a massive huffy overreaction to nothing.

Who knows?
Nobody can judge unless they were there.

Yes on the face of it she was rude not to reply. That's just manners. She could've said she was busy etc.
but there's obviously a back story

I agree with you!

This is bizarre.

Why interrupt your wife? Unless your DC is very young and needed help urgently, couldn't you have asked them to wait a minute?

You made an assumption that whatever your wife was doing in the kitchen was probably less important than you getting ready and definitely unimportant enough that she should immediately take time out to consider and answer your request.

Personally I would have told the DC to wait (unless in danger of life and limb) and finished getting ready, then attended to them. But then I'm used to balancing a 1yo and a 6yo everyday and getting us all ready very quickly and out of the house in time for school most mornings. I'd ask the other parent to help if they were around and on the scene, but not if doing something in the kitchen.

Maybe you need more practice?

Why didn't you do it yourself or was it too much to ask?

And also if you were meant to be taking your DC out by yourself and she was meant to be having some time "off", there is nothing more fucking irritating than a parent who can't get their child ready and so is constantly bothering the other parent. I know a few parents (well, fathers tbh) who view themselves as doing "A GREAT THING" if they take their DC to the playground at the weekend, but expect to be presented with fully-dressed, coated and booted children and a fully-packed buggy bag to do this, so the other parent has to get up to organise the DC. Whereas when it's their turn for a lie in, they simply don't emerge or give the kids a thought until midday.

Tbf, expecting a simple yes or no answer isn't unreasonable. Ignoring someone is rude.

However, I suspect there is probably a back story?

I am sick to the back teeth of being bellowed for from another room when I'm in the middle of doing something.

(Unless it's an emergency) if you want me, come and speak to me. Do not yodel from the bedroom to get me to assist you. I'm not your dog or lackey. I don't enjoy yelling across the house as a form of communication.

Asking people not to do that was ineffective. Now I just ignore it, on the grounds that if they do want to speak to me, they will come to the kitchen to talk to me rather than hollering like they're in a farmyard. It took a bit of time but it works now.

I suspect the OP's wife was in a similar mindset.

I don't understand why my post was deleted but anyway - I would like to know why OP didn't let it go. Is this part of a bigger issue between them?

There's so much detail and background missing that it's impossible to answer who was BU.

I have been known to ignore questions in this way when he's basically relying on me to do all the thinking and I've had enough. However, that might not be what was happening in this situation.

The lack of detail means that lots of posters are projecting massively and responding to the scenario as it played out in their own head which is unlikely to be anything like reality. Some will just be enjoying joining in the pile-on.

If you really want to know if you're BU, set out what actually happened in more detail.

I agree. Yelling at someone in a different room is rude. Usually they can't hear you and so your expectation is that they will stop what they're doing and come to YOU to find out what you want.

I don't bother now - I just ignore the yeller.