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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have expected my wife to answer?

164 replies

Reddca · 13/04/2024 10:41

Getting ready to take DS out; I am down stairs getting ready and wife is in the kitchen, we are in separate but adjoining rooms. DS, who is up stairs, calls as he needs help with something.

I ask my wife if she can go upstairs and help DS but she doesn’t answer. I wait and then ask again and still no answer. I go upstairs and help DS.
Then I have a moan at DW for not answering my question. She claims that I should have know that she was busy and shouldn’t have asked.

I said, I didn’t know how long she was going to be and a simple yes or no would have been enough.

instead of descalating the situation, I continued to moan at her for not answering, and she went back to bed upset at me and left the house angry at her.

we were meant to see a house today but she doesn’t want to go.
its not the first time she has ignored a question when she thinks i should know the answer.
was I being reason?

OP posts:
Original poster
Reddca · 13/04/2024 15:25

Goldbar · 13/04/2024 13:45

And also if you were meant to be taking your DC out by yourself and she was meant to be having some time "off", there is nothing more fucking irritating than a parent who can't get their child ready and so is constantly bothering the other parent. I know a few parents (well, fathers tbh) who view themselves as doing "A GREAT THING" if they take their DC to the playground at the weekend, but expect to be presented with fully-dressed, coated and booted children and a fully-packed buggy bag to do this, so the other parent has to get up to organise the DC. Whereas when it's their turn for a lie in, they simply don't emerge or give the kids a thought until midday.

that isn’t me, I get them ready and take them to school.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2024 15:29

"I ask my wife if she can go upstairs and help DS but she doesn’t answer. I wait and then ask again and still no answer. I go upstairs and help DS."

I'm going to take a wild guess that conversations have been had about this, before this specific incident. These conversations have been along the lines that your time is no more valuable than hers, your parental responsibility is no less than hers, and that you really need to stop expecting her to ask 'how high?' when you say 'jump!'.

A normal husband (i.e. mine), had he shouted for my attention from the other room (you did shout, you know - you'd have had to, to be heard from another room) and I had not answered, would have poked his head round the doorway to see what I was doing/was I okay. That you did not do so, but instead got on with doing what you'd tried to abdicate to her, is what tells me that conversations have been had.

I think you need to ask yourself, 'how often do I just expect my wife to pick up the drudge-work of parenthood, rather than spontaneously do it myself?' Answer yourself honestly.

SavBlancTonight · 13/04/2024 15:30

Why are you being so vague? It's like talking to exBIL - you can never get a straight answer to the actual question, just responses to tangental questions that are supposed to show why you're the reasonable one and she's not.

  1. what was your wife doing at the time?
  2. Is this the first time you have had this sort of argument? Has she been annoyed at you shouting from another room in the past? Does she complain you don't help with the getting ready? She said you should have known she was busy - did you?
  3. Had she asked you to manage the child (or was that the usual expectation)? Or was there anything else going on such as you were late to shower/you'd had a previous argument earlier in the day etc?
  4. How old is your child?
  5. Why didn't you let it go after the argument?

SOOO many variables that you've been carefully ignoring.

Mischance · 13/04/2024 15:34

Do you often fall out over such trivia?

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2024 15:44

"instead of descalating the situation, I continued to moan at her for not answering, and she went back to bed upset at me and left the house angry at her."
At least you know you should have handled it differently, I suppose that's something. Not much. Not enough, on it's own. But something.

"its not the first time she has ignored a question when she thinks i should know the answer."
There's a saying - 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. In this case, I expect she has always answered you in the past, resulting in you always asking more questions that you should know the answer to. In an effort to stop this, she has changed tack; in the hope that it will prompt you to ask yourself the question and not ask her.

It is quite infuriating for a competent adult to behave as if they know nothing, remember nothing, think nothing. Think, adult mewling 'darling where are my car keys?' to which the only logical response is 'I expect they're where you left them' and not 'Oh let me find them for you'. You are a competent adult, aren't you?

Have a read at this. See if it strikes a chord.

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink

It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it was a big deal to her.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2024 16:09

Reddca · 13/04/2024 11:28

I will always answer if she asks me a question. Ignoring someone is in my opinion cruel, even if you think their question is stupid.

Show quote history

I hate it when my DH shouts at me from another room as usually I can't hear and I have to go to him. I find that rude. If he wants to speak to me, he should be the one coming.

GingerPirate · 13/04/2024 16:12

Nocturna · 13/04/2024 10:44

Sounds like she's fed up of being the one expected to always drop what she's doing, and being berated if she doesn't comply

Yes this 👆

GingerPirate · 13/04/2024 16:14

Whataretalkingabout · 13/04/2024 11:26

You shouldn't "expect" anything from your DW. That is taking her for granted.
Sounds like you treat her as your servant. Why is what you are doing more important than what she is?

You heard your son; you should respond yourself.

As for moaning instead of deescalating the situation you caused, you already know the answer. You are behaving as a sulking childish twat. Grow up and be an adult. Model better behavior to your child. Be respectful and kind to your dear wife.

And this. Jesus.👆🙄

Original poster
Reddca · 13/04/2024 18:30

I get it, it’s my fault. I’ll do better next time. I have apologised to her but she isn’t interested.

i do think on balance my wife has more free time than me because she works part time in the mornings and I work full time. Perhaps on some level i value my time more than hers.

thanks for offering a different perspective.

OP posts:
PinkStarAtNight · 13/04/2024 18:39

I think its rude to refuse to answer someone. She may have issues with you shouting from another room, delegating tasks and thinking that you are always more busy than she is, but if that's the case she needs to sit you down and have an adult conversation about how she feels, not just decide to ignore you.

And as for 'going back to bed' because she's angry, that is a massive overreaction and imo very unhealthy behaviour. I only know one person who takes themselves off to bed when things go wrong or an argument happens and they have clinical depression, which of course is an illness and not their fault. Could this be a possibility for your wife? Otherwise it just comes across as very dramatic and petty. I'm also assuming it meant that your son didn't get his day out?

It sounds like there might be underlying issues going on that you both need to talk about. If you had just got out of the bath I think its reasonable that you asked her if she could see to the DC, and personally I don't see the problem with shouting through to another room, but maybe you need to investigate whether your wife feels undervalued or overworked.

I do ultimately think she was rude not to answer you though, that's a very childish way of dealing with an issue. And the going back to bed isn't normal imo so I think that needs a conversation too.

Goldbar · 13/04/2024 19:41

Reddca · 13/04/2024 18:30

I get it, it’s my fault. I’ll do better next time. I have apologised to her but she isn’t interested.

i do think on balance my wife has more free time than me because she works part time in the mornings and I work full time. Perhaps on some level i value my time more than hers.

thanks for offering a different perspective.

Do you have childcare for your child during the time she has "off"? If so, then maybe there is an imbalance. If not, then it's not really free time, is it?

SavBlancTonight · 13/04/2024 19:44

You still haven't answerd key questions. And in light of your most recent update, the most important question is - how old is your DC and what childcare is needed? Because when you say she works part time, do you mean that she works part time and then has time to do nothing, or is she working part time and then taking your DC out of nursery/school and doing childcare? During term time, Dh, who works part time, has more time off than me and a lot of that time is spent doing the various chores etc that need doing. Come the holidays, that shifts and inevitably I'm either doing more childcare, or I'm doing more chores (or the house just gets a whole lot dirtier eyes ginormous pile of washing that has built up this week) because his part time hours give him SOME flexiblity, but only a limited amount as he still has to do all the term time school collection/post school acticities/ early dinners etc.

And when you say apologise, have you said it wont' happen againm/ you\ll change?

I think if you feel like she gets lots more free time than you and you're resentful, there's a much bigger issue. if you're right, then at some pooint you need to agree what can be done to address this so that you're both happier. If you're wrong, you will need to figure out why you are wrong and how you can change your mindset.

pastypirate · 13/04/2024 21:10

Goldbar · 13/04/2024 13:45

And also if you were meant to be taking your DC out by yourself and she was meant to be having some time "off", there is nothing more fucking irritating than a parent who can't get their child ready and so is constantly bothering the other parent. I know a few parents (well, fathers tbh) who view themselves as doing "A GREAT THING" if they take their DC to the playground at the weekend, but expect to be presented with fully-dressed, coated and booted children and a fully-packed buggy bag to do this, so the other parent has to get up to organise the DC. Whereas when it's their turn for a lie in, they simply don't emerge or give the kids a thought until midday.

See also fuck arsing around for half an hour before they actually leave the house with the children. I don't really care if I have to get the kid ready but if I do then please just fuck the fuck off and give me some peace. Dp does this (and it includes going to the loo 70 times) to the point that by the time the front door shuts my blood pressure is through the roof.

SavBlancTonight · 13/04/2024 22:30

Oh my, I had missed that you were taking DC out without her all along. Honestly, is there ANYTHING more annoying than your OH saying he will take the DC out but the sheer effort preparing for that moment is so overwhelming it seems pointless.

Original poster
Reddca · 14/04/2024 06:49

Goldbar · 13/04/2024 19:41

Do you have childcare for your child during the time she has "off"? If so, then maybe there is an imbalance. If not, then it's not really free time, is it?

Show quote history

No, the children will be at school.

OP posts:
ditzzy · 14/04/2024 07:01

Goldbar · 13/04/2024 13:45

And also if you were meant to be taking your DC out by yourself and she was meant to be having some time "off", there is nothing more fucking irritating than a parent who can't get their child ready and so is constantly bothering the other parent. I know a few parents (well, fathers tbh) who view themselves as doing "A GREAT THING" if they take their DC to the playground at the weekend, but expect to be presented with fully-dressed, coated and booted children and a fully-packed buggy bag to do this, so the other parent has to get up to organise the DC. Whereas when it's their turn for a lie in, they simply don't emerge or give the kids a thought until midday.

I was so definitely just reading this thread for entertainment and not piling in - but can I add to the “expecting fully dressed coated and booted children” line to and expecting to be able to come home and have children “unpacked” by parent who’s enjoying the “free time” while the one who took them out then collapses on the sofa, phone scrolls and refuses to engage for the rest of the day “because you had a break earlier”….

Posypointshoes · 14/04/2024 07:02

Is this a reverse?

EmilyTheCriminal · 14/04/2024 07:33

Reddca · 13/04/2024 18:30

I get it, it’s my fault. I’ll do better next time. I have apologised to her but she isn’t interested.

i do think on balance my wife has more free time than me because she works part time in the mornings and I work full time. Perhaps on some level i value my time more than hers.

thanks for offering a different perspective.

You value your time more than hers?

Wow.

AnxiousRabbit · 14/04/2024 07:51

What was she doing in the kitchen?
What exactly did "getting ready" entail?

BusterGonad · 14/04/2024 08:13

AnxiousRabbit · 14/04/2024 07:51

What was she doing in the kitchen?
What exactly did "getting ready" entail?

Probably something to benefit the whole family, like washing up, making dinner, putting the food shopping away. I very much doubt she was doing her nails, having a face mask or anything thing else only beneficial to her. I fucking hate being hollered at. Like I'm some kind of working dog.

Eddielizzard · 14/04/2024 08:29

Reddca · 13/04/2024 18:30

I get it, it’s my fault. I’ll do better next time. I have apologised to her but she isn’t interested.

i do think on balance my wife has more free time than me because she works part time in the mornings and I work full time. Perhaps on some level i value my time more than hers.

thanks for offering a different perspective.

No I don't think you do get it if in the next para you write you value your time more than hers!!

She's clearly fucking fed up of you valuing your time more than hers.

Thriving30 · 14/04/2024 08:30

I think I'm in the minority when I say I think her response was unreasonable. Fine, she's busy but it doesn't mean your husband can't ask you a question or for help with something.
But at the same time, I also hate being shouted from another room by my other half because I can't hear him and I always have to go and find out what he wants, which is really frustrating if you're busy doing something else. You both need to talk about this and find another way to communicate better, it sounds like the issue hasn't been properly resolved but you're both just carrying on like nothing has happened? So a similar disagreement will inevitably happen again

Goldbar · 14/04/2024 08:34

ditzzy · 14/04/2024 07:01

I was so definitely just reading this thread for entertainment and not piling in - but can I add to the “expecting fully dressed coated and booted children” line to and expecting to be able to come home and have children “unpacked” by parent who’s enjoying the “free time” while the one who took them out then collapses on the sofa, phone scrolls and refuses to engage for the rest of the day “because you had a break earlier”….

Show quote history

Yes, it's very annoying if one parent regularly manages to take them out without making a huge song and dance about it as if it's some sort of incredible sacrifice. And points indignantly to this - "see, I already did something!" - when expected to be an adult and pull their weight the rest of the time.

Comtesse · 14/04/2024 08:42

My DH keeps asking me to do something when I’m already doing something else. I tell him I’m busy and to do it himself. I am not really surprised by your wife’s initial reaction (but having a full blown row and going back to bed is a bit much).

Why is the job he wants me to do automatically more important than the job I am already doing? I’ll tell you why : male privilege.

I don’t need instructions when I’m already busy and neither does your wife.

101Nutella · 14/04/2024 08:48

She works part time.
she does childcare work other times.

so during the time the kids are at school and she isn’t working do you really think she does nothing toward the house management, washing, cooking, cleaning, organising children’s appointments, new clothes etc. if this activity is happening then it isn’t free time.

sounds like u expect undisturbed time and possibly she doesn’t get as much undisturbed time so was annoyed. Can’t be a one off to act like that. If u were in charge of son you shouldn’t have been showering during that time.