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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have expected my wife to answer?

164 replies

Reddca · 13/04/2024 10:41

Getting ready to take DS out; I am down stairs getting ready and wife is in the kitchen, we are in separate but adjoining rooms. DS, who is up stairs, calls as he needs help with something.

I ask my wife if she can go upstairs and help DS but she doesn’t answer. I wait and then ask again and still no answer. I go upstairs and help DS.
Then I have a moan at DW for not answering my question. She claims that I should have know that she was busy and shouldn’t have asked.

I said, I didn’t know how long she was going to be and a simple yes or no would have been enough.

instead of descalating the situation, I continued to moan at her for not answering, and she went back to bed upset at me and left the house angry at her.

we were meant to see a house today but she doesn’t want to go.
its not the first time she has ignored a question when she thinks i should know the answer.
was I being reason?

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 14/04/2024 11:33

*allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld
@Reddca so she is in the kitchen? you have had a shower in the downstairs bathroom and are now getting ready? in adjoining rooms? are you dressing in the living room?

No, how did you jump to that? Bedroom.*

But you said you were getting ready downstairs? Is the bedroom downstairs?

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/04/2024 11:35

AsphaltBeach · 14/04/2024 11:29

succinctly put.

I was beginning to think I was going a bit mad for a moment. And as for the comment above of:

she won't stay long (if she's got any sense)

What is going on in your head? Seriously?

Show quote history

Glad you made it through the typos . Didn’t have my glasses on . Apologies.

Yes maybe OP won’t stay long as she will drive him away .

Cromwell1905 · 14/04/2024 11:39

Scarletttulips · 14/04/2024 09:14

Maybe she’s tired of your questions. Maybe she’s tired of you faffing round the kids when she knows they are capable of the task themselves? My kids could do so much more than their dad gave them credit for. I was pushing them for independence and he was running round after them making the transition harder than it should have been.

“Maybe she’s tired of your questions” really ??. So if the child needs help he shouldn’t ask he in case she is tired of his questions lol 😜

Mayorq · 14/04/2024 11:42

Reddca · 14/04/2024 09:01

Our son was asking us for help. I asked her if she could help him because I was doing something; a simple yes or no would have been sufficient.
I have apologised to her repeatedly, but nothing.

I do my fair share around the house from childcare to housework, as does she. I guess was tired of being ignored.

Show quote history

Stop apologising to your adult toddler.

Seriously reconsider committing to a new house with someone who is emotionally abusive

Original poster
Reddca · 14/04/2024 11:45

Poppinjay · 14/04/2024 10:24

I do my fair share around the house from childcare to housework, as does she. I guess was tired of being ignored.

If you want to make this situation better, you need to unpack this sentence ^
What is your fair share? Do you mean you help out with the housework or do you mean you take on 50% or the responsibility for monitoring, planning and carrying out all of the tasks involved in running a family? That includes a multitude of things like:

  • Knowing when your child will need new shoes or if their uniform fits; not just putting them on him on a school morning.
  • Making sure you have stock of bags for the vacuum cleaner and that the filter is clean; not just using it for a quick whizz round on a Saturday morning.
  • Planning and resourcing meals that work for the whole family, including making sure there is oil, herbs, the ingredients are defrosted, taking into account everyone's schedule, preferences, etc; not just cooking what she tells you needs cooking.
  • Knowing whose birthday is coming up and making sure there is a card, present, wrapping paper, sticky tape, a stamp, party clothes ready; not just agreeing to take the child and the present to the party.
  • Keeping tabs on whether the bin has been cleaned recently and whether you have bin bags; not just emptying the bin.
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture. The mental load required to run a family home is phenomenal. Only if you are taking 50% of that huge load, as well as doing 50% of the labour,, while also being available to look after your child (this includes being interested in him, keeping him safe, keeping him occupied, etc) all the time he is at home, is it reasonable for you to perceive your time as more valuable than hers. Only then is her extra time off work free for her to use as leisure time.

Only you know whether what you do falls in the descriptors above. and only you know whether being sick of having to do all the thinking was the reason your wife refused to answer you.

You've been given lots of food for thought so you should now be able to work out for yourself whether you or your DW was being unreasonable when she refused to answer you.

Yes I do lots of these. I take the kids to school, make their lunches, find tutors, speak to the teachers, dentist, organise gifts for birthday parties etc. why do you assume that all of the mental load is with her and none with me.

OP posts:
FusilliNom · 14/04/2024 11:47

CandyLeBonBon · 14/04/2024 11:33

*allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld
@Reddca so she is in the kitchen? you have had a shower in the downstairs bathroom and are now getting ready? in adjoining rooms? are you dressing in the living room?

No, how did you jump to that? Bedroom.*

But you said you were getting ready downstairs? Is the bedroom downstairs?

Yes I need a map with everyone's location on it

ringoffiire · 14/04/2024 11:47

MN is always going to come down on the side of the woman in these threads, OP.

If you reversed the husband and wife in your scenario, everyone would be still be saying that the man was the one being unreasonable.

It's not the best place to ask questions like this really (especially if you're a man!)

Mayorq · 14/04/2024 11:50

Reddca · 14/04/2024 11:45

Yes I do lots of these. I take the kids to school, make their lunches, find tutors, speak to the teachers, dentist, organise gifts for birthday parties etc. why do you assume that all of the mental load is with her and none with me.

Show quote history

I'll give you one guess...

Gameofmoans81 · 14/04/2024 11:52

I’ve been the wife in this scenario and it’s because I get so sick of constantly being asked pointless questions that he could answer/solve himself I just ignore them a lot of the time. Do you think maybe you do this a lot and she’s just fed up?

Cromwell1905 · 14/04/2024 11:58

Gameofmoans81 · 14/04/2024 11:52

I’ve been the wife in this scenario and it’s because I get so sick of constantly being asked pointless questions that he could answer/solve himself I just ignore them a lot of the time. Do you think maybe you do this a lot and she’s just fed up?

So asking if you are able to help your child is pointless ?

Poppinjay · 14/04/2024 12:48

Yes I do lots of these. I take the kids to school, make their lunches, find tutors, speak to the teachers, dentist, organise gifts for birthday parties etc. why do you assume that all of the mental load is with her and none with me.

Please could you point out to me where I have made that assumption? I was just asking which you did.

You could do all those things but still rely on her to carry the majority of the mental load, e.g. by asking her what you should buy for the birthday child. I don't need the answer; it's you who needs to know whether you genuinely pull your own weight or not.

You asked if you were being unreasonable. If you don't expect your wife to take the majority of the mental load and you don't ask her a gazillion daft questions or expect her to be the default carer unless there is a specific arrangement for you to step in, you may not be being unreasonable to be irritated that she didn't answer you. However, if you want to tackle that issue, it might help for you to think about why else she might have done it or sit down with her at a quiet time and ask her. A bunch of strangers can't work it out for you.

MistyBerkowitz · 14/04/2024 12:52

LenaLamont · 13/04/2024 13:48

I am sick to the back teeth of being bellowed for from another room when I'm in the middle of doing something.

(Unless it's an emergency) if you want me, come and speak to me. Do not yodel from the bedroom to get me to assist you. I'm not your dog or lackey. I don't enjoy yelling across the house as a form of communication.

Asking people not to do that was ineffective. Now I just ignore it, on the grounds that if they do want to speak to me, they will come to the kitchen to talk to me rather than hollering like they're in a farmyard. It took a bit of time but it works now.

I suspect the OP's wife was in a similar mindset.

This.

Also our old house has peculiar acoustics. You absolutely cannot hear someone calling from upstairs in all but two downstairs rooms.

Unless your life is endangered, I will not respond to shouts.

Zwicky · 14/04/2024 13:01

why do you assume that all of the mental load is with her and none with me.

Because she is either

A - horrible

or

B - really, really fucked off with you and as the incident which kicked it off is extraordinarily trivial and has been spiralled up by the pair of you then it absolutely does sound like she is sick to the back teeth of the way the burden is split. Also, your entire OP was about how she should stop doing the invisible jobs that you don’t even know she’s doing and do an extra job so you can carry on looking after yourself. You communicate this by shouting at her from another room when you could have just as easily yelled upstairs for your dc to wait a minute.

I honestly think if she is genuinely horrible then that is pertinent information that you should put in your OP. The responses would have been different.

I’m another one who doesn’t respond to bawling from different rooms. It may be rude but not as rude as talking to me like I’m a dog, or expecting me to drop everything and come and find you. If you want good manners then stop yelling from different rooms.

Original poster
Reddca · 14/04/2024 15:15

Zwicky · 14/04/2024 13:01

why do you assume that all of the mental load is with her and none with me.

Because she is either

A - horrible

or

B - really, really fucked off with you and as the incident which kicked it off is extraordinarily trivial and has been spiralled up by the pair of you then it absolutely does sound like she is sick to the back teeth of the way the burden is split. Also, your entire OP was about how she should stop doing the invisible jobs that you don’t even know she’s doing and do an extra job so you can carry on looking after yourself. You communicate this by shouting at her from another room when you could have just as easily yelled upstairs for your dc to wait a minute.

I honestly think if she is genuinely horrible then that is pertinent information that you should put in your OP. The responses would have been different.

I’m another one who doesn’t respond to bawling from different rooms. It may be rude but not as rude as talking to me like I’m a dog, or expecting me to drop everything and come and find you. If you want good manners then stop yelling from different rooms.

I didn’t shout and I don’t order her around like a dog. I don’t know how people are jumping to such conclusions. I am very involved in every aspect of home life.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 15:21

She was being extremely unreasonable. It is bad manners to ignore people.

bozzabollix · 14/04/2024 15:31

Given I’m the person who the children always seek out (sometimes walking past their Dad sitting there) this situation would annoy me. Your wife was doing something in the kitchen and I bet she has to break away from tasks a lot, so to have you getting her to do it this time must’ve annoyed her. So say ‘it’s difficult for me right now, just out of the shower, can you please go up’ as opposed to ‘go and help’.

In this instance I’d say to my husband ‘why couldn’t you do it’ and then had the reply about the shower, and that’d be it dealt with. Why you’ve gone on Mumsnet for something so trivial makes me wonder what else is going on.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/04/2024 18:12

@FusilliNom you know it's not a proper thread unless we have diagram!

Bearbookagainandagain · 14/04/2024 21:17

For what's it worth, if my husband asks me if I can go help our son and I'm busy, I just say "sorry I can't". He does the same. I don't understand how that's controlling, its basic communication.

If, for whatever reason, I'm annoyed he's asked I will probably snap at him, then he will probably snap back, then we both apologise and it's over 5 min later.

What neither of us would do is completely ignore the other one.

Cromwell1905 · 15/04/2024 08:30

Reddca · 14/04/2024 15:15

I didn’t shout and I don’t order her around like a dog. I don’t know how people are jumping to such conclusions. I am very involved in every aspect of home life.

Show quote history

It is because you are a man ! Can't you see that ?

raspberryberet7 · 15/04/2024 08:52

SwingTheMonkey · 13/04/2024 10:46

Why didn’t you just respond to your child’s request for help in the first place? Why was your first reaction to shout for your wife? Was what you were doing more important?

This

Goldbar · 15/04/2024 09:01

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 15:21

She was being extremely unreasonable. It is bad manners to ignore people.

Except if they're yelling at you from another room, in which case it's quite reasonable imo.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 15/04/2024 09:13

Go back to basics about the way you all communicate.

Stop everyone shouting from room to room: encourage your kids to come and ask.

Answer your Dc directly. “I’m getting dressed, wait 5 mins”. Rather than shouting to Dw. Your Dw can do likewise. Kids can wait, unless there is something dangerous.

Don’t go on about things. (“instead of descalating the situation, I continued to moan at her for not answering” ).

Talk openly, away from the incident, about how you both feel, about being ignored, about feeling put upon etc etc. Listen. Decide how to avert and resolve communication clashes.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 15/04/2024 09:18

Cromwell1905 · 15/04/2024 08:30

It is because you are a man ! Can't you see that ?

Show quote history

Nowhere in this thread does the OP indicate whether they are male or female.

Cromwell1905 · 15/04/2024 14:12

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 15/04/2024 09:18

Nowhere in this thread does the OP indicate whether they are male or female.

Show quote history

Its all over it, if you cant see that you must be blind

januaryjan · 16/04/2024 13:29

Bearbookagainandagain · 14/04/2024 21:17

For what's it worth, if my husband asks me if I can go help our son and I'm busy, I just say "sorry I can't". He does the same. I don't understand how that's controlling, its basic communication.

If, for whatever reason, I'm annoyed he's asked I will probably snap at him, then he will probably snap back, then we both apologise and it's over 5 min later.

What neither of us would do is completely ignore the other one.

I agree. It is basic communication.

When reading posts on here sometimes, it is eye opening how many couples just don't like each other/can't stand each other, but spend years in marriages where the norm is a constant passive aggressive type of nit picking/point scoring/constant moodiness type of carry on. ( They don't like anything about the person they are with but don't intend on doing anything about it and they view themselves as the martyr while at the same time punishing their partner for every bee in their bonnet).

I would bet money the OP's wife would not remain petulantly silent and refuse to answer and storm off back to bed if other people were present/or outside of the house - yet it is ok to do this to your partner, behind closed doors when nobody is watching and to make them feel small and not worth answering. It is hurtful behaviour. You would expect this type of behaviour (the ignoring and the tantrum) from a child and not an adult.

Should the OP have expected his wife to answer - Yes! Because that is how grownups act.