Should I have expected my wife to answer?

[Reddca]

Getting ready to take DS out; I am down stairs getting ready and wife is in the kitchen, we are in separate but adjoining rooms. DS, who is up stairs, calls as he needs help with something.

I ask my wife if she can go upstairs and help DS but she doesn’t answer. I wait and then ask again and still no answer. I go upstairs and help DS.
Then I have a moan at DW for not answering my question. She claims that I should have know that she was busy and shouldn’t have asked.

I said, I didn’t know how long she was going to be and a simple yes or no would have been enough.

instead of descalating the situation, I continued to moan at her for not answering, and she went back to bed upset at me and left the house angry at her.

we were meant to see a house today but she doesn’t want to go.
its not the first time she has ignored a question when she thinks i should know the answer.
was I being reason?

Our son was asking us for help. I asked her if she could help him because I was doing something; a simple yes or no would have been sufficient.
I have apologised to her repeatedly, but nothing.

I do my fair share around the house from childcare to housework, as does she. I guess was tired of being ignored.

Your wife is right; you should have answered your DS yourself given you heard him, instead of telling your wife to.

You were both busy so not sure why your busyness trumped hers, and it comes across as if you think you're the boss of her.

Maybe she’s tired of your questions. Maybe she’s tired of you faffing round the kids when she knows they are capable of the task themselves? My kids could do so much more than their dad gave them credit for. I was pushing them for independence and he was running round after them making the transition harder than it should have been.

You’ve apologised, now just leave it. Over apologising can be another way of demanding. She sounds like she wanted some time without demands.

Yes getting dressed is probably more difficult to drop than other activities but she will have heard him too and chose not to react. You chose to react by delegating to her, overriding her decision and telling her what to do, not by taking action yourself. The underlying message/criticism that could be taken from this is “your son needs you, why aren’t you going to him?”

I think the consensus is clear but I'll add that I have a rule that no one shouts questions or requests to me from another room. I think it's so rude. If you want to talk to me you have to be in the same room. Exceptions apply for emergencies or illness. Being shouted to from another room is unacceptable in my house

Mine too!!! DH does it to me. I’ll ask him something. He doesn’t answer. I ask him again and he’ll say I heard you the first time. Well fucking reply then you rude twat!!

She was rude to ignore you when a simple "I'm busy can you go?" Was all that was needed.

Generally speaking if a person is in the kitchen, it means they’re busy. It’s not usually somewhere people go to relax. Also you heard your son, you should have responded to him.

You’ve raised some fair points here. I’ll now get a week of the silent treatment. 😟

@Reddca I'm afraid I voted that YABU. I am a man, and although I see your point that it wouldn't have hurt to have an answer, it seems to have escalated out of all proportion.

I realise that the written word can come across differently to how it might have been intended, however if the tone to your wife comes across to her in the same way the tone in your message comes across to me, I suspect there are deeper issues and that this instance isn't actually about whether she answered you or not, but is about something deeper, as is her lack of response.

Generally, I approach life on the basis of "don't sweat the small stuff", and this is really small stuff. Nobody died, nobody was going to die, and to wait a few minutes isn't going to hurt anybody. For this to get to the point where you are irate (it sounds like you are), and she isn't talking to you is crazy.

In the nicest possible way, you need to get some perspective.

I do my fair share around the house from childcare to housework, as does she. I guess was tired of being ignored.

If you want to make this situation better, you need to unpack this sentence ^
What is your fair share? Do you mean you help out with the housework or do you mean you take on 50% or the responsibility for monitoring, planning and carrying out all of the tasks involved in running a family? That includes a multitude of things like:

• Knowing when your child will need new shoes or if their uniform fits; not just putting them on him on a school morning.
• Making sure you have stock of bags for the vacuum cleaner and that the filter is clean; not just using it for a quick whizz round on a Saturday morning.
• Planning and resourcing meals that work for the whole family, including making sure there is oil, herbs, the ingredients are defrosted, taking into account everyone's schedule, preferences, etc; not just cooking what she tells you needs cooking.
• Knowing whose birthday is coming up and making sure there is a card, present, wrapping paper, sticky tape, a stamp, party clothes ready; not just agreeing to take the child and the present to the party.
• Keeping tabs on whether the bin has been cleaned recently and whether you have bin bags; not just emptying the bin.

I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture. The mental load required to run a family home is phenomenal. Only if you are taking 50% of that huge load, as well as doing 50% of the labour,, while also being available to look after your child (this includes being interested in him, keeping him safe, keeping him occupied, etc) all the time he is at home, is it reasonable for you to perceive your time as more valuable than hers. Only then is her extra time off work free for her to use as leisure time.

Only you know whether what you do falls in the descriptors above. and only you know whether being sick of having to do all the thinking was the reason your wife refused to answer you.

You've been given lots of food for thought so you should now be able to work out for yourself whether you or your DW was being unreasonable when she refused to answer you.

Does anyone really think it OK when a partner is asked if they can help a child to just ignore it ? The OP is not saying he has the arse because she could not or would not help but that she did not answer, surely it’s common manners to answer when spoken to even to say “sorry hun I am busy”.

Would the responses have been the same if the Mum has asked the Dad and he had ignored her ?

You are focusing on this one incident when it sounds like there is a backstory here and ongoing problems in your relationship in terms of communication and expectations. You're not going to improve your marriage by getting strangers to vote and make you feel better that you were right. You're going to do it by open and honest communication.
"When you... I feel... because..."
Not "You always..." "I was right and you were wrong about..."

If you’re getting silent treatment I think you’ve probably got more issues than her ignoring you.
if this had been posted with the sexes reversed you would have been given some very different responses.

ignoring you is abusive behaviour.

Please can we have a floor plan of your house?

Nobody really knows who is the one being unreasonable here but from what you have said in your subsequent posts, if you were a woman and your husband behaved this way, you would be told you are in a abusive relationship and should be getting divorced and fleecing him for everything he's got.

Your wife was completely unreasonable and rude. Any form of ignoring is rude. It takes no effort at all to say I am busy right now can you go but the silence is not useful at all

The fact that so many posters seem to think it is tells a lot about relationships on MN

I bet if this was a “I was getting ready, DS was shouting out so I asked if DH to go and help and he ignored me” the responses would be very different.

But this is MN so not surprised of the double standards for a minute

I am focusing on the question asked and not trying to second guess anything about the OP’s relationship. Assumption is a dangerous thing !

If someone's getting strangers on mumsnet to vote about whether they were right in an argument with their wife, you can definitely make some assumptions about the state of the relationship.

Regardless of the situation, giving you the silent treatment is abusive.

Yep.
You are not her boss. If you were unable (or unwilling) to help your child go to where your wife is and ask her if she can?

You should have helped. If you think you're the boss of her she won't stay long (if she's got any sense)

OP I am with you . You have been attacke don here .
If the female posted that she was not dressed abs just out the shower abs child called abs dh ignored her as usual . The dh would be calle small sorts .
dh then storms of to bed so he doesn’t have to parent .
wife apologises but she still gets silent treatment for a week and feels she just do better .
The husband would be ripped to shreds. .

It would be abuse.

I think it’s time you told your wife you need an adult conversation about your relationship .

It’s time she stopped dis respecting you and that you both work as a team and both parent your child and house equally.

Only apologise to f you feel you are in the wrong and mean it . Never for an easy life as you don’t like the silent treatment
Maybe there is more to the story but what I get from your post is your wife used silent treatment to control getting things her way .
This is wrong

Indeed but they will most likely be wrong. So would you say that if a wife asked a husband something twice and he ignored her that he had acted in a good and fair way ?

succinctly put.

I was beginning to think I was going a bit mad for a moment. And as for the comment above of:

she won't stay long (if she's got any sense)

What is going on in your head? Seriously?

yep