DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

[Pony67]

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit
I disagree, he has not 'taken advantage a bit', no husband was taking the pi$$ like it's going out of fashion!!
And then tried to minimise it😡

I agree with this too - OP is not saying that DSS was not welcome nor that her parent’s wouldn’t have been happy to have looked after him/friend - the fact is they did, and didn’t make a fuss other than to check OP knew. It’s that they were not asked and he assumed they’d not mind - and no matter how great DSS/friend are, the OPs parent’s were forced to became responsible for them.

I am surprised that some people think that 12 year olds can be left alone all day with no care involved.
What about lunch and snacks? Entertainment? There is quite a lot involved or do 12 years these days prepare lunch for themselves now and no longer complain about being bored?
It would be just as rude to the grandparents if they had turned up only expecting to care for one younger kid but then having the twelve year old twins unexpectedly dumped on them as well because the parents wanted “to go out” (as per the SS’s mother). For older people they generally like to be prepared and know what they are dealing with. It’s respectful to give advance notice and ask if the changed care was OK.

The grandparents thought they were helping out two working parents. The SS was at his mother’s home during her time with him. It was a blind side.

But he doesn’t does he. So they would have known what they were signing up to and planned accordingly. And could have set their own boundaries re mate over etc.

I wouldn't want to leave a 12yr old all day, but I would think that they would be capable of making toast/sandwiches/getting snacks out of the cupboard & putting the tv on!

@Otherstories2002 I just find it odd that the (step) grandparents haven't got to know the 12 year old.
The OP has been with her husband long enough for him to become her husband and have a child.
Plenty of time to get to know the 12 year old.
He is the actual grandchild's half sibling. They should know him.
(in my humble personal opinion)

But if his parents were comfortable with SS being left home alone he would have been home alone - at his Mum's as planned. He was brought over expressly to allow the Mum to go out i.e. he is not old enough to be home alone, therefore his Dad is assuming op's parents will take responsibility for him.

Absolutely not ok without checking with them first.

OP your DH owes your parents a big apology. And don't be surprised if they refuse to babysit at your house again

If your DH truly thought it wasn't a problem, then he should have asked her if she minded if his son and friend were at the house, too, while she was babysitting.

He didn't, though, so he knows deep down he was taking advantage of your mum's good nature.

When your husband married you and had a child with you, he clearly overestimated how much family reciprocity he can expect for himself and your child's brother.

You need to be clear to him about just how much he can expect from his wife and MIL.

Then he can also set some clear boundaries about how much time, effort and money he is willing to give.

Then you'll both be happy.

It’s not odd - lots of kids don’t meet step grandparents. If you’re not living with the parent when you see them you want quality time. Not hanging out with step family. I would have been really annoyed as a child if my dad had forced me to spend time as a 12 year old with old people I had no connection to.

So his ex could go out? Why on earth should the OP’s parents (no relation!) babysit the stepson for her convenience?! Bonkers!

@Otherstories2002 but they do have a connection to each other. They have become family through marriage.

So?

Nope, what if DSS doesn’t want a relationship with his half siblings grandparents?

These are unrelated people who only know each other through someone else’s decision to remarry and blend a family. It’s up to the step Gps and DSS if they want a relationship.

it’s then up to the parents of the children involved to navigate and help facilitate relationships and expectations, OPs DH has fucked up and owes his ILs an apology

@boozeclues that's what I meant though - this isn't a brand new relationship if there has been a wedding and a child born. It's got to be at least a few years. There should have been some type of relationship formed in that time - it's a bit sad if there hasn't been.
Obviously different if the grandparents lived on the other side of the country or something but they must live close enough if they can do a day of babysitting.

You’re right OP.

he’s taking the absolute bloody piss and if it were me I’d drop my LOs off at my parents on the way to work and be home well after DH. And if the house is a shit tip, or the kids have badly behaved then that is on him to resolve.

if all is well, then great 🤨

Surely though even if he was their biological grandson it is still rude. They turned up expecting to look after one child, adding another without asking is rude. Adding a child they have never met and know nothing about is completely out of order

this should have been arranged with enough notice so they had a chance to say yes or no

Very rude not to ask first. If you had two biological children and a grandparent had agreed to watch one of them, then arrived to find both and a friend without anyone asking if that was alright, that would be rude, too.

Your husband needs to accept that the general consensus is that it's never okay to just dump more duties on someone without at least asking first. He owes your parent a favour or a small thank-you gift of some sort.

I think there’s give and take on both sides here tbh.. you have chosen to be with someone who has a child.. this is one of them situations where the responsibility is on you and your husband to try a gauge a relationship with your parents with this child.. your parents should also get to know him..

yea he should have asked, but your making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s a one off.. you simply say to him in future to make sure he asks, you also mention to your parents it would be nice for them to get to know SS a bit so they are familiar with him.. the adults in this situation need to start acting like it.

the mum is well within her rights to ask him to have his son, your husband should have asked but this is also SS home so he has every right to say yes in this situation.. your parents could have chose to leave if they felt that uncomfortable about the situation.. I would personally let this go it’s really not the end of the world.

@CinnamonJellyBeans - do you think it is OK to dump not one, but two extra children on a babysitter without so much as asking? Because I don’t. I don’t think it matters what relation the sitter is to the extra children - it is a matter of manners and consideration, pure and simple.

It is rude and inconsiderate to expect any babysitter to look after two extra children, one of whom is a total stranger to them without the basic courtesy of asking first.

1. the OP’s parents don’t HAVE to do anything. They chose none of this
2. The child sees his dad EOW. What usually happens is that the priority during that time is spending time with his dad and his paternal family. That’s why it so often comes up that the SM’s family have limited contact and no great relationship with the SC.
3. The ex wanted to go out - it was her job to find a babysitter.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

"Family" clearly has different meanings to different people.

I think OP and her DH should have established what this means to them both before they decided to marry and whether they consider themselves to be a one-child family or a two-child family and how this fits in with the other family members.

DH was foolish to assume his son would be treated the same as a 100% pure-blood grandchild. DH needs to be made to understand this by his wife.

Yeah right.. so if he wouldn't have cared, then how come his son had to be dropped off instead of staying alone at his mum's???
Call his BS now OP and show him this thread if needed! He is rude AF and such a CF.

Not without asking your parent no. It's rude. A similar analogy would be me babysitting my friend's DC and another sibling turns up and their friend and I'm supposed to be responsible for them too. Rude expectation.

Absolutely out of order. Would be cheeky if he’d asked your parent but to just tell him to turn up is unacceptable. Show him this thread.If I was your parent I’d take your child out next time rather than look after them at your house.