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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

319 replies

Pony67 · 13/04/2024 10:17

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

OP posts:
Reallyneedsaholiday · 14/04/2024 16:45

RocketsMagnificent7 · 14/04/2024 16:02

Well, if it is 'perfectly normal' in your world, then your world is a bit sad.

Are you saying that it's sad for a child to have their relationship with their own family prioritised? That it's better for them to miss out on time with their own grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins to spend time with their stepmum's family?

No

Mumoftwins78 · 14/04/2024 17:41

Pony67 · 13/04/2024 10:17

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

Dp should have told dh's ex that sorry she knows nothing about him being there and that she couldn't leave him. That is totally out of order

Johna69 · 14/04/2024 17:45

Pony67 · 13/04/2024 10:17

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

There should on be 1 button there,you are not being unreasonable.

Bayleighp · 14/04/2024 17:57

I think it’s more the point that he didn’t ask the grandparent first and invited a friend on top of that. I wouldn’t expect my parents to look after my children’s friends too.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 14/04/2024 17:58

I don’t think you ABU but YABU to keep saying my parent. Why?

Sennelier1 · 14/04/2024 18:15

Be it your parent(s)(in law), a neighbour, a babysitter or a friend, you don't invite other children on top of those you agreed on they should take care of. Of course it's perfectly fine if you have talked about and agreed on, but it's very rude if you have not. I have been in the situation I agreed on having a friend of my daughter all day (no school that day) and the stepdad brought me not only the girl but her two brothers as well. No asking at all. "They wanted to come because their sister always has a good time here." From then on I always warned the boys were not included in the deal. Yes it spoiled my relationship with their mom - who looked down on me something horrible because I was a SAHM. No big loss.

OldPerson · 14/04/2024 18:28

I'm absolutely shocked. Husband is an arrogant pig.

And just awful to dump a child she knows nothing about on your mum.

If I was mum, I would not have accepted responsibility for either SS or his friend without prior notification, discussion and agreement.

Clarabell77 · 14/04/2024 18:28

RedHelenB · 13/04/2024 10:31

A 12 year old is old enough to be home alone so I don't think he's being unreasonable. Its dsc home too

I agree with this. He’s 12 ffs, if he needs a snack or something he can get it himself. Your parents aren’t being put out in the slightest.

Scarletttulips · 14/04/2024 18:54

Your parents aren’t being put out in the slightest

Happy to drop my teens to your house, don’t worry they can get snacks themselves and keep themselves amused all day.

I won’t leave any contact details, you know like medical conditions, allergies or even any rules.

No need to thank me, you’ll have a fab day.

JournalistEmily · 14/04/2024 19:05

This is insanely rude!! Who dumps more kids on grandparents without asking them? Completely mad!!

Needmorelego · 14/04/2024 19:06

@Scarletttulips but as this relationship isn't new (marriage plus a having a baby has already happened) then this is why it's important that the step grandparents have a relationship with the step son.
By marrying a man with a child that child has become part of the family. Family is more than biology.
Edit : I do believe the husband should have asked - but other than an apology from him and a "don't do it again" there is no need for all this drama.

NoraBattysCurlers · 14/04/2024 19:08

Scarletttulips · 14/04/2024 18:54

Your parents aren’t being put out in the slightest

Happy to drop my teens to your house, don’t worry they can get snacks themselves and keep themselves amused all day.

I won’t leave any contact details, you know like medical conditions, allergies or even any rules.

No need to thank me, you’ll have a fab day.

The OP's husband was a cheeky fucker.

However, the above is a nonsense, @Scarletttulips. It seems that you expect that in future years the teen stepson should clear out of his own home, and make himself scarce, any time his half-siblings grandparent come to babysit.

CantFindMyMarbles · 14/04/2024 19:16

Beyond rude.

Toptops · 14/04/2024 19:19

It's not the thinking about doing it (by your partner), it's actually involving your parents in it WITHOUT ASKING FIRST!)
I'm sure you'll put him straight about pulling this one again

Royaly82 · 14/04/2024 19:38

Am I reading this wrong? Two secondary school aged kids don't need babysitting in the middle of the day? Why would making them a snack be such a big deal? I am so confused with all the outrage? I have step children that my parents wouldn't have cared less about turning up at our house to hang out with or without another secondary aged friend? I feel like I am missing something? Is this relationship with your husband very new still? How long have been a step mother to your stepson?

LalaPaloosa · 14/04/2024 19:38

RedHelenB · 13/04/2024 10:31

A 12 year old is old enough to be home alone so I don't think he's being unreasonable. Its dsc home too

Seriously? For a whole day? Doesn’t the NCPCC have guidelines about this? Is it not neglect?

Needmorelego · 14/04/2024 19:43

@LalaPaloosa during the school holidays I expect half the country's population of 12 year olds are probably home alone.

LalaPaloosa · 14/04/2024 19:44

bows101 · 13/04/2024 15:16

Ah, another classic step child thread.
Your husbands child.
Should be accepted into your household regardless.
Like your DH said, he is 12 and going out with a friend, self sufficient for a few hours. I don't see an issue. Yes it would have been polite to make your parent aware he was going to be dropped off, but it's not like your parent needs to watch him.
I would say YABU.

I think it would also be unfair and rude to a grandparent to arrange with them to mind one child, and then on the day tell them it will be (or rather have them confronted with) two children, plus a friend. Step relationships aside, it’s rude to change arrangements without the other person’s consent.

MumTeacherofMany · 14/04/2024 19:48

I've obviously in the minority but I really don't see it as a problem. This is your SS & they are your parents. You are all family.

RedHelenB · 14/04/2024 19:49

LalaPaloosa · 14/04/2024 19:38

Seriously? For a whole day? Doesn’t the NCPCC have guidelines about this? Is it not neglect?

Show quote history

No. All my dc ( no SEN) were more than capable of being at home at that age while I was at work. Govt see 12 as a cut off age because that's when help with childcare/NI contributions with CB end

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/04/2024 20:36

MumTeacherofMany · 14/04/2024 19:48

I've obviously in the minority but I really don't see it as a problem. This is your SS & they are your parents. You are all family.

Why does this mean the parents don’t deserve the courtesy of being asked if they mind looking after two more children, @MumTeacherofMany?

I cannot see why it is OK to add extra children to those the sitter has agreed to look after, without asking first - even if the sitter is family.

Mumof3confused · 14/04/2024 21:28

The ex and the parents of the mate (if they know) and your DH are all off their heads.

Angrywife · 14/04/2024 21:36

My mum would have hit the roof if I'd asked her to baby sit 1 grandchild and had 2nd of my own there when she arrived, let alone a step child and their friend!!

Your husband needs telling never to do that again

startingagain202 · 14/04/2024 21:43

It's incredibly rude and entitled of your dp.
The weather is so beautiful now, DPs presumably will want to take your child out for a walk/the park/cafe/soft play/garden centre etc and spend quality time with them. Are they now supposed to take the 2 x 12 year olds with them? Cos I doubt they will want to go to the park and feed the ducks or whatever the DPs plans were

Lavenderblue11 · 14/04/2024 23:06

Pony67 · 13/04/2024 10:17

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

Aside from the issues, I'm just wondering why you keep referring to the person looking after your child/SS as your 'parent'? Why can't just say your mum or dad? Just find it odd.

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