DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

[Pony67]

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

The question was whether the OP's DH was rude.

She hasn't said that her parent isn't capable of looking after a 12YO.

I'm capable of looking after multiple children of all ages. I'd still expect parents to check with me before dropping their children off for me to look after.

He was treated the same as a bio grandchild by the OP's parent.

It would have been rude to drop off a bio grandchild and friend, just as it was rude to drop off a step-grandchild and friend.

where's the wisdom in any if this????
No wonder there are so many divorces ...
So OP is to lambast her husband over this one event!
Not the calm voice of maturity and reason?
If mumsnetters are to heeded no one would stay married for a minutes!

Minute..

Is marriage all about women being doormats and not being annoyed when their husbands behave shittily?

Better keep the peace and be grateful you’re married.

& I answered that with "partner should have asked first" .... & i still think all parents/adults involved with any kids at their house should have known boundrys & basic skills ....

No question at all about marriage really being hard work, perhaps I'm just a bit older and can see that you can't carry on furiously, enraged about all and everything!😡

No, marriage is about a partnership between flawed individuals who generally both fuck up from time to time. OP’s DH has on this occasion.

They need to have a chat and he needs to apologise to his inLaws, but beyond that this should just be marked down as a learning opportunity and both move on. Perhaps buying inlaws a lovely meal out as a thank you one night, though.

Exactly this.

I can't believe people suggesting that the boy should be sent "home" or asked to leave. It's his home where his dad lives.

He should've run it past your parents though as a matter of courtesy.

How is telling your DH he has been rude to your parent lambasting him?

Very cheeky indeed.

Still nope.

Even if it's 50:50 in terms of care, that 50% will be spent with his dad, SM and sibling. Then they have to factor time with his paternal family, his actual grandparents. That will take priority over seeing his stepmum's family, rightly so. I'm sure OP makes sure her child sees their maternal family during the time they don't have stepson. What do you think is more important for the stepson? Seeing his own family or old (in a 12yo's eyes) people he barely knows?

Not on. He's a cf. How dare he treat your Mum like that.

@RocketsMagnificent7 I suppose (as someone upthread said) everyone has a different definition of what "family" means.
To me a step grandparent is part of his family.

I suppose (as someone upthread said) everyone has a different definition of what "family" means

What’s your definition of asking someone a favour (and then extending their kindness to others)?

@Scarletttulips well yes the husband should have asked - that would have been the polite thing to do.
But this all seems so dramatic. All it needs is the husband being told "next time ask" and him to apologise and everyone just get on with life.

OP has already said her DH wouldn't let his son stay home alone unsupervised. Hence he isn't staying at his Mum's house alone when it is her time to look after him, when she goes out.

i think im going a bit against the grain here....but surely the stepson is allowed to be in his own home...it's his house too

How long have you been with your partner?

but surely the stepson is allowed to be in his own home

With a parent, who’s responsible for him.

@caringcarer yes I had missed that and apologised for saying it about a million posts back 🙂

This doesn’t answer my question, @CinnamonJellyBeans.

This is not a step family issue - it is a manners issue. The OP has organised a babysitter to look after ONE child. The OP’s dh has decided that babysitter can look after two extra children, one of whom is a total stranger to the babysitter - WITHOUT bothering to ask the babysitter if they mind the number of children they’re minding tripling.

Even if all three children were equally loved by the OP, her dh and her babysitting in-law, it is still beyond rude to up the number of children the sitter is looking after, without asking first.

Poor kid, where he goes for a few hours has to be agreed in triplicate first; with all the adults doing a little dance around courtesy and etiquette first.

Nice.

As I said earlier, if I was babysitting one DGC and one of my other kids just dumped their son or daughter on me with no notice I would not be impressed.

I'd be even less impressed if a one of their friends who I didn't know from a hole in the wall came along too

That is very, very rude

As I asked a previous poster - if you have organised a babysitter for one child, do you think it is OK to add two extra children (one a total stranger to the sitter) without actually asking the sitter if they mind?

That’s the issue here - not whether the older child should be welcomed in his dad’s home, which of course he should - but whether it is rude to triple the number of kids a babysitter is minding WITHOUT the courtesy of asking them first.