DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

[Pony67]

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

Except that it's not, is it?

If' the older child was able to just go out with a friend, he could have done this from his mother's house. He was dropped off with the OP's parent so his mother could go out. Clearly he does need watching.

So much projection about step-parenting on this thread when the situation would be exactly the same if they were full siblings 🙄

It's rude to just expect someone to look after extra DC without asking, if you want childcare you do the decent thing and ask first. I presume your DH didn't because he didn't want to fall out with his Ex and he knew if your DM said no he was out of options, this doesn't make it OK. Why do so many men prefer to piss off their present partner rather than their Ex?

I don't think this is about the step son, not even about his mate, is about the lack of communication between OP husband and the rest of the adults involved in the situation.
Dparents agreed to take care of one kid, no to take care of three.
I'm sure that of they are nice that the seem to be and they knew they just go along with the day, but now everything blew up because OP husband didn't ask, didn't consult, didn't do anything other than the "yeah, it should be fine"
His excuses are terrible btw.
Yes I think he is VU.

Yes that's not acceptable really. He has essentially agreed your parent will provide free childcare for his ex (or him) without even asking her.

Pretty clear the child's actual mum doesn't agree with you. And that's just by himself, not even adding in a friend and the additional potential for havoc!

@Needmorelego what a silly comment

Fuck me but that's so rude!

Is your husband trying to make your parents reluctant to babysit in future?

Do people just see the SC thing and slip straight into statements from the bingo card without thinking?

The OP has arranged babysitting for her child. You don’t just dump two
additional children on a babysitter without checking it’s ok first.

Whoever the babysitter is.

The fact that this is babysitting for the husband’s ex and he’d rather just dump additional work on his ILs without consulting them in any way than disappoint his ex is classic stepfamily toxicity.

@gindreams which comment? I have made a few !

Can't believe you moved in/had kids with somebody & this has never come up

Yes. Your DH should have asked first but your mother should also be capable of responding to questions like 'can I have food' with 'can you make it' & wether its safe for a child to be at a park ect.

You all sound very disconnected

Very unfair on your parents and suggests that he takes their childcare completely for granted. Why didn't he tell his ex he was out and couldn't look after him. Telling him to phone his dad if he needs anything is completely meaningless!

If he didn't need 'loads of care' he could surely have stayed at his mum's. The fact he needed to come to yours shows he needs caring for, which is your DH's job to organise, and certainly not the job of your parent. Very rude and assuming.

I bet he understands fine well why this is rude and unnacceptable and is doing the big innocent eyes "but I don't understaaaaaand" thing. Is he usually as much of a tit as this?

Well out of order. I would be furious.

This really.

DSS may be a fairly independent and lovely child, his friend may also be lovely, but they are minors and now your parents have been forced to be legally responsible for them. Your parents may have planned to take your DC out and now they can’t. Any of the children could be taken ill or have an accident, and as the adults on the premises they are now obligated.

He was absolutely out of order to arrange for them to visit without asking your parents first. I would not be surprised if they are reluctant to help you both out going forward. Nothing short of a sincere, grovelling apology is in order.

So rude, treating your parent worse than a paid babysitter or a nanny!!! You wouldn’t be able to add extra kids into the deal without notice

Your so called "D"H is a massive twat.

As has been said previously, the decision to marry and blend their families was OP and DH’s. It absolutely doesn’t confer any responsibility on OP’s parents to act as grandparents to DSS any more than it would on DH’s parents if OP had a child from a previous relationship. DSS potentially still has two sets of grandparents, the same as their half sibling. Clearly it would be nice if everyone got along but not the end of the world if circumstances mean they’re not close.

I wouldn’t feel ok with this unless he made a huge apology gesture somehow - maybe get them a nice thank you gift or take them out for a meal

Have you actually asked your DH if he would have still told him to go round if the house was empty?

There's also a chance they could have taken DC out not knowing SS was coming. If he's not mature enough to be left alone would he have known what to do if he couldn't get in the house?

Mr McBitey needs to meet our cat - (not so) affectionately nicknamed CatBastard, @SamBeckett - he used to be a very bitey bastard, and he used to pick on the dogs, despite him weighing 10 pounds, wringing wet, and them being great big dogs, and even now, as a senior statescat, he will still bite if he thinks you have stroked him too much or not enough, or it you try to gently unhook his claws from your clothes - hence the name.

He spends most of his time next to me on the couch - everything I knit or crochet comes with added cat fur - and if I am doing something else, he sits at the door of the front room and Sulks at me, until I get the message, and go and sit in the couch with him.

This is him, ‘helping’ me lay out a crochet blanket - aka get in the way because he wants me on the couch, making a fuss of him. The other picture is the two dogs, forced to share one bed, because CatBastard is on the couch, and neither of them dares get up there with him.

It’s not about him not being accepted into the household regardless, @bows101 - it’s about the fact that it is rude to ask someone to look after one child, and then to have someone else add two extra children, one of whom the baby sitter doesn’t know at all, without even the courtesy of asking them if they were OK with this!

It isn’t a step child issue - it is a manners issue.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I completely agree with you- this is a manners issue, not a step child issue. For all we know, OP's mum might not mind watching all three of them (had she been politely asked).

If this is how some people treat those providing them with free childcare, I can see why they struggle to find willing volunteers

This is totally unacceptable behaviour from your DH. If I was your mum I’d not be prepared to look after your DC another time at your house in case it happened again.