DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

[Pony67]

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

I would be apoplectic with rage. This is SO not on. Needless to say, YANBU

I asked this and he said he wouldn't have cared and SS could just stay by himself. But even that puts my DP in the position of having to be the one who leaves to go out somewhere without taking SS.

Yeah, that's not a fair position. Also, you don't know if the friend's parents would be happy with them not having adult supervision.

Is it because your house is nicer/bigger then the kids'? A 12 yo plus mate who can go to the park and get their own food should be fine I'd have thought. Tell your parent just to tell them to get own food and tell them if they're going out. Make it plain to the kid parent shouldn't be disturbed and clean up after yourselves etc. The kid can be in communication with his parents if need be. If they cause havoc then you can discipline them or ban it next time, but I'd give them the chance to prove they're old enough not to be burdensome.

He's treating your DP as the default parent, not even you!

Really really fucking rude.

Id be furious.

It is Step son's home too but in no way are the op's parents responsible for step son. He wasn't going to be loving there that day ...he was supposed to be with his mum. Flexibility between the parents is great but that doesn't extend to Op's parents ...especially without asking first. If it was his own parents it is more understandable but even then they could expect to be asked
I am always asked if I am child minding. If it involves extras like pick up from dancing ext I am always asked ...not told ...and that is for my own grandchildren. I like kids and I might well have been amenable to this arrangement if asked. However I may have had plans to take kids out and may have said no for that reason. More responsibility ..no room in car ext. I would certainly not expect to have to take responsibility for sending SS'S friend home or asking permission to take him with me with all the explanations of where and timings involved. It is great to be generous with child care ...but only if you are going to do it. The easiest generosity ever is to volunteer someone else while you go out ..regardless whether it's for work or anything else. Anyone can be generous like that. 😁

@Pony67 if your step son lived with you full time (which could happen for many many reasons) what would you expect to do with him when your parents are babysitting. Make him sit outside because your parents "don't know him very well"?
This is your child's half sibling not some random child off the streets.

Bringing his son's friend over and imposing a stranger's kid is unbelievably rude, yes.

But if it was a husband's parents complaining about babysitting his wife's son, posters here would be frothing at the mouth about how they should treat him like family.

So keep that in mind while you get the validation you're after about your husband's son being lesser.

Hopefully your dps will take your dc for a walk. Dh can deal with the aftermath of 2 near teens left alone when he gets back... Or will he be telling your dps off for leaving him Home Alone I wonder? Maybe tell dh they are going out.....

What's the point of this what if though? The situation as it is right now is that SS doesn't live with us and was supposed to be with his mum.

And if he did live with us, my parents would know that in advance and could choose to say yes or no to babysitting on that basis.

The fact is, they were not expecting SS to be there, were not asked, and certainly were not expecting an extra friend there too!!

But if it was a husband's parents complaining about babysitting his wife's son, posters here would be frothing at the mouth about how they should treat him like family.

Without being asked first? And a mate as well? Just turning up unannounced?

Well let's hope your DH hasn't messed things up as your parent may think twice about looking after your child again because they are also looking after two (near) teenagers.

If I was your parent I would think it was a bloody cheek and may not want to do it again!

Because a second kid your parents don't know is going to make this easier. He's not doing that to make things easier on your parents.
Rude and very entitled behaviour. Outside of an emergency this is in no way ok.

Without being asked first? - They were already babysitting your children. I stand by my assertion that it if it was reversed, the husband and parents would be slaughtered on here for making a difference and implying that the wife's son is not a part of the family group that the parents were already babysitting.

And a mate as well? Just turning up unannounced?

I'll repeat my first sentence - Bringing his son's friend over and imposing a stranger's kid is unbelievably rude, yes. But nothing about your post suggests you'd be be perfectly happy to view your stepson as an equal if his friend hadn't came.

It's beyond rude.

Then why couldn't SS just stay at his Mum's and call HIS parents if he needed them? He doesn't mean this or he wouldn't have done what he did.

No I wouldn't. If someone is babysitting they need to know WHO they are babysitting when they agree

The friend thing totally crossed the line, your parent is expected to be in charge of a 12 year old boy (who are not the easiest) she has never met and has no information about at all, his parents probably assume he is going somewhere they know the adults of rather than a complete stranger (and not everyone would be happy with that) either so puts that in an awkward position and has forced someone to take responsibility for 2 more children without instructions as to whether they need feeding etc.

No they wouldn't. I DGAF what sex the non related parent imposing on the grandparents is, its extremely rude and entitled behaviour and changing the sex makes zero difference.

@Pony67 to be fair your step son and his mate are 12 - other than an emergency happening they can be left to do their own thing.
Your parent and your child can do their thing, the 12 year olds their thing.

Yeah he was out of order and needs to apologise and get a thank you gift for your parent

Give it a week or so then make a post "my parents in law offer to babysit my two youngest, who I had with DH, but won't accept my elder son". You'll see the responses. I'll donate a tenner to a charity of your choice if I'm wrong.

It’s very cheeky!! I would say well until we are clear on this i can’t ask my parents to look after our child again, as it’s a favour and I won’t be rude to them while they are doing it

You organised childcare for one child. The carer has now had two extra children sprung on them without notice. Totally unreasonable.

Adding in the family dynamics- your husband was still unnreasonable. If your step-son doesn't live with you and it isn't a day that you're normally scheduled to have him, your parent would have no reason to anticipate this.

At the very least your husband should have called your parent, apologised and explained the predicament so that they could decide whether they were willing to now watch three children instead of one