DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

[Pony67]

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

100% he's wrong and needs to apologise

Very rude when your parent refuses next time to help out because they feel taken the piss out of he can take
the time off to babysit

Yes it was rude of your husband to volunteer your parents for babysitting your SS and his friend without even asking him. However if your DH thinks he is old enough to not need a sitter why couldn't he have stayed home while the Ex was out?

In my book you don't offer to look after children (even 12 year olds) if you are not going to be around. Why didn't he just say he was working so SS should stay with his mum as arranged?

OP your husband is in the wrong and his refusal to acknowledge this means he is likely to repeat the behaviour. If I were childminding I would likely plan activities/outings and pre-cook meals, two hungry teens would totally throw this out.
It is not acceptable to just offer anyone else’s services for anything under any circumstances; it is in fact presumptive and the height of rudeness.
I just checked out age to be left alone and see there isn’t one however the advice adds :
“but it's an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk. Use your judgement on how mature your child is before you decide to leave them alone” how are the OPs parents to know how mature the SS and friend are? Particularly if SS is not deemed able to be left alone in the house. I personally would also want contact details for the parents of the additional child because you never know what can happen. It’s easy to say how little trouble they are, can fend for themselves etc but it’s a very different story if anything goes wrong.

DH doesn’t think it’s appropriate for him to be left alone though. OP says it never happens so there is clearly a back story. I agree with you though - DH wasn’t there himself so shouldn’t have offered someone elses’ services.

Sounds like your partner/spouse is socially unknowing or socially incompetent. This is way over the bounds of decency in what to expect of others.

He should have asked . That’s not ok . I would do it without much thinking but would still warn my parents but they know my SS very well

He should have asked, I wouldn’t be impressed to have two children dropped off without me knowing. Agreeing to watch one is very different to three and since your parent doesn’t really know SS I can imagine they feel very uncomfortable. Your parent has no idea what kind of child SS or their friend are, some kids their age are very independent and others less so. It’s a very awkward situation.

I imagine your partner didn’t ask because if he did run it by you then he knows the answer would have been no, it’s not appropriate or fair.

Have you any idea how tiring it is to babysit when you get older? . Also you don't want the responsibility of looking after two additional children.

Above all, it's very disrespectful just to expect it!

I would say that too, but OP said "I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12)."
So DSS parents don't believe he is capable of being home alone or his mum wouldnt have needed to drop him off at OPs house (saying OPs house for clarity only).

But OP’s parents are in HIS home. He’s not the “outsider”, they are,

So op's parents should have other kids foisted on them with no warning because it's not their home?

But you don’t ask your childs gp’s to child mind their one gc, ( all bloody day ) then add 2 more children they aren’t even related to, or know well, without even asking?
What a fucking nerve!

Where the step son lives isn’t the issue, though, @Tandora - even if he lived there full time, it still wouldn’t be right for the OP to arrange for her parent to babysit just the little one, only to have the stepson and his friend (who is a stranger to the babysitter) added at the last minute, without asking them first.

No of course not but that poster was saying this kid is “nothing to do with Gp” as if he has no right to be there.

DH should have told them son would be there.

it should be the same situation if they are full siblings. GP should know how many children they are expected to babysit. But all this stuff about how he’s a step child and GP don’t know him is out of order. It’s his house, if they come round they shouldn’t be offended he’s there.

I read it as that the grandparent isn’t involved with SS and doesn’t have a grandparent/grandchild relationship and since they have from the way it reads never looked after him they shouldn’t be expected to do so without being asking first.

It is his house as is where he lives with his mum. Her DH should have either said no to his ex, ask OP’s parent if they would be ok to do this favour for him and keep an ear on SS and his friend ,or came home himself.

I don’t understand this. I took ‘Nothing to do with GP’ to mean that DSS doesn’t have a relationship with them , and to be fair, they are not his grandparents. He’s not at a disadvantage - all things being equal, all the children have two sets of grandparents of their own. The OP and her DH chose to blend their families - doesn’t mean OP’s parents have to engage with it any more than DH’s parents would if the OP had a child of her own.

And no one has said, or even hinted that the GP are ‘offended’ if DSS is there when they visit. The issue here is that OP’s DM was asked to babysit for the younger child and had two older children dumped on her by complete surprise - one of whom was DSS who she hardly knows, and the other a complete stranger she was expected to take responsibility for.

You absolutely need to show him this thread and advise him of the error of his ways.
A bunch of flowers or bottle of wine by way of apology to your DP is in order here.
I'd have roasted his butt!!

He should have asked your parents because if anything went wrong they would be responsible for the child and his friend.