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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

319 replies

Pony67 · 13/04/2024 10:17

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

OP posts:
followmyflow · 13/04/2024 23:51

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/04/2024 23:46

As I asked a previous poster - if you have organised a babysitter for one child, do you think it is OK to add two extra children (one a total stranger to the sitter) without actually asking the sitter if they mind?

That’s the issue here - not whether the older child should be welcomed in his dad’s home, which of course he should - but whether it is rude to triple the number of kids a babysitter is minding WITHOUT the courtesy of asking them first.

Show quote history

it's not a random babysitter though, they are family members, technically, although they dont know him well. im sure the 12 year old ss and his friend stayed out of the way of the step-grandparents, i somehow doubt they wanted to hang out with them and bother them. op's dh should apologise for not sending a courtesy message but i dont think it was a big enough deal to be apoplectic with rage

CinnamonJellyBeans · 13/04/2024 23:53

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I do believe that this is a step-family (and ex-wife) issue.

If the grandmother had been given two extra children to look after without notice, maybe a few raised eyebrows and "next time check first". Job done

However, being a step child on mumsnet means they're entitled to breathe the same air as you. Anything else is a F*ing libertyyyyyyy. Situation was made worse by the fact DH was accommodating his ex-partner, so she could go out (can we assume it was to have her nails done or a bottomless brunch?)

There's so much antipathy towards step-children and ex-partners on mumsnet.

Divebar2021 · 14/04/2024 00:07

There's so much antipathy towards step-children and ex-partners on mumsnet

While everyone absolutely adores a step-mum.

Astariel · 14/04/2024 07:45

It’s so weird. If this were not a stepfamily and not being justified on the manipulative basis of ‘it’s faaamly’ (add the exaggerated accent for full effect), absolutely everyone would be saying that the children’s parents are beings CFs. They’re just expecting to do their kid off without asking and have other people look after him.

I’d never do that to my own mum, never mind someone else’s mum. She’s got a life and autonomy. Even if she’s looking after my nephews, it doesn’t mean I get to unilaterally decide to add more kids to the mix. I cannot imagine having the audacity to do that.

I can’t even imagine unilaterally deciding that a child’s other parent will just look after them so I can do something I’d rather do. If the arrangement had been that I was going to be the parent looking after the child at that time, then a change to that would require a conversation with the other parent.

As for ‘poor kid. Where he is has to be agreed in triplicate’. Blame his parents for divorcing. That’s why they have to agree things with each other - and properly consult the other adults affected and particularly the adults who will be expected to be responsible for their child.

Absolutely none of that is a stepmum’s fault. And it helps no one to insist that she (and her entire family) signed up to be a nanny-on-demand suit the SC’s parents. She didn’t.

Same with the emotive nonsense of ‘it’s his home’. Firstly, his parents don’t want him left home alone so that means he doesn’t have a right to be ‘at home’ whenever he likes. A parent or a babysitter who has agreed to look after him needs to be there.

Secondly, it’s not just the SC’s home and what the other people are doing makes a difference to his comings and goings. All the ‘oh he can just watch tv’ etc just assume that it’s fine if he takes over the living room and displaces the OP’s parents and the child they’ve actually agreed to look after. This is not ok. What if they’d planned to watch a film with their (younger) grandchild? What if they just wanted to watch the tv during nap time

The actual, root problem here is that the ex wanted someone to look after her son on her contact time. So she asked the child’s father who, rather than saying he wasn’t in and couldn’t do it, just decided his indentured childcare resources would do it without any need for him to ask them.

That kind of nonsense is definitely something to address with your partner or husband. He can’t just decide you or your parents are going to look after his child (and friends). He does have to check. And he does have to accept the answer will be no sometimes.

diddl · 14/04/2024 07:47

TheHateIsNotGood · 13/04/2024 23:42

Poor kid, where he goes for a few hours has to be agreed in triplicate first; with all the adults doing a little dance around courtesy and etiquette first.

Nice.

Well unless he has a key to get in then of course it has to be agreed that someone is there & of course it's manners to check!

Astariel · 14/04/2024 07:53

diddl · 14/04/2024 07:47

Well unless he has a key to get in then of course it has to be agreed that someone is there & of course it's manners to check!

Show quote history

Even if he has a key… the adult who will need to be responsible for him needs to have agreed to him being there. In advance.

I’ve got a key to my parents’ house. That doesn’t mean I get to turn up whenever I like without checking it’s ok with them. They might have plans. They might just want some peace and quiet.

Scarletttulips · 14/04/2024 08:16

They need to have a chat and he needs to apologise to his inLaws, but beyond that this should just be marked down as a learning opportunity and both move on.

So a grown man, who has fathered a now 12 year old, need to accept this as a learning opportunity? Seriously, he’s an idiot not to realize how rude this is to assume he can offer favour a to his ex wife and dump his child on his new MIL?

Would he have done this to OPs father? I very much doubt it.

phoenixrosehere · 14/04/2024 08:30

Astariel · 14/04/2024 07:45

It’s so weird. If this were not a stepfamily and not being justified on the manipulative basis of ‘it’s faaamly’ (add the exaggerated accent for full effect), absolutely everyone would be saying that the children’s parents are beings CFs. They’re just expecting to do their kid off without asking and have other people look after him.

I’d never do that to my own mum, never mind someone else’s mum. She’s got a life and autonomy. Even if she’s looking after my nephews, it doesn’t mean I get to unilaterally decide to add more kids to the mix. I cannot imagine having the audacity to do that.

I can’t even imagine unilaterally deciding that a child’s other parent will just look after them so I can do something I’d rather do. If the arrangement had been that I was going to be the parent looking after the child at that time, then a change to that would require a conversation with the other parent.

As for ‘poor kid. Where he is has to be agreed in triplicate’. Blame his parents for divorcing. That’s why they have to agree things with each other - and properly consult the other adults affected and particularly the adults who will be expected to be responsible for their child.

Absolutely none of that is a stepmum’s fault. And it helps no one to insist that she (and her entire family) signed up to be a nanny-on-demand suit the SC’s parents. She didn’t.

Same with the emotive nonsense of ‘it’s his home’. Firstly, his parents don’t want him left home alone so that means he doesn’t have a right to be ‘at home’ whenever he likes. A parent or a babysitter who has agreed to look after him needs to be there.

Secondly, it’s not just the SC’s home and what the other people are doing makes a difference to his comings and goings. All the ‘oh he can just watch tv’ etc just assume that it’s fine if he takes over the living room and displaces the OP’s parents and the child they’ve actually agreed to look after. This is not ok. What if they’d planned to watch a film with their (younger) grandchild? What if they just wanted to watch the tv during nap time

The actual, root problem here is that the ex wanted someone to look after her son on her contact time. So she asked the child’s father who, rather than saying he wasn’t in and couldn’t do it, just decided his indentured childcare resources would do it without any need for him to ask them.

That kind of nonsense is definitely something to address with your partner or husband. He can’t just decide you or your parents are going to look after his child (and friends). He does have to check. And he does have to accept the answer will be no sometimes.

Edited

Well said.

I’d also add since OP said she just found out in her first post it reads to me he didn’t tell OP about this in the first place and she found out through her mother which is another issue.

Thinking about it, I wonder what the parents of SS’s friend thinks about having a stranger watch their child or did the mum just say his father was watching him. I wouldn’t be impressed if my child came home and told me they were watched by someone I never met. Wonder what SS’s mum told the parents.

Astariel · 14/04/2024 10:19

@phoenixrosehere that is a good point about the friend’s parents. They have arranged with the SS’s mother for their child to go to her house - where she will be supervising.

It is weird to decide to just move that to another house entirely, to be looked after by an entirely different adult (not even the child’s father - although the parents may not have met him either) the other child’s parents have never met. Even more so without speaking to the adult who will be overseeing things.

WimpoleHat · 14/04/2024 10:29

The child sees his dad EOW. What usually happens is that the priority during that time is spending time with his dad and his paternal family.

Exactly! This always comes up on these threads - why don’t the stepmother’s parents think of the step kids like their grandchildren? Kids go to spend time with their dad - and presumably if grandparents are visited in this time, then it will be his parents and wider family. Kids do not go for contact with their father to spend time with their stepmother’s parents; in an EOW situation, surely that’s done on the weekend that the step kids aren’t there.

Astariel · 14/04/2024 11:01

@WimpoleHat its one of those ridiculous comments and judgements that demonstrates the person insisting that it’s a travesty that the SM’s family barely know the child simply has not thought things through at all.

There are all kinds of scenarios in step parenting where, even though the entire thing is centred around what is in the SC’s best interests (sometimes to the detriment of any other children), people on MNers are just desperate to come in and blame the SM and cry ‘poor children’ without engaging their brains.

pinkyredrose · 14/04/2024 12:00

TheHateIsNotGood · 13/04/2024 23:42

Poor kid, where he goes for a few hours has to be agreed in triplicate first; with all the adults doing a little dance around courtesy and etiquette first.

Nice.

How is he a 'poor kid'?

NoraBattysCurlers · 14/04/2024 13:27

It certainly is cheeky of your DH to assume your parent should keep an eye on his DS and friend. If DSS and friend could be left alone for the day, why didn't they remain in his mum's home.

Normally speaking, it should be possible to leave a sensible 12 year-old on their own own at home. I presume that he is in secondary school and I would not expect a secondary school student to need babysitting.

Either way, your DSS is likely to soon be independent and you will probably find that he will start coming and going as he pleases. When this happens, you and your parent will need to realise that this is his home as well. He has as much right to be there as your children. It is a pity that your parent has such a distant relationship with your stepson.

Scarletttulips · 14/04/2024 13:39

It is a pity that your parent has such a distant relationship with your stepson

Well the dads assumption she should be a free babysitter won’t who will it?

Reallyneedsaholiday · 14/04/2024 13:53

RocketsMagnificent7 · 13/04/2024 15:48

It's not sad, it's quite obvious to work out.

OP and her husband don't have the stepson full-time, so the OP very likely sees her family on the occasions they don't have her stepson in order to use the time they do to see his family. It's perfect normal.

Show quote history

If that’s “normal” in your house, then I’m sad for your children, as well. It’s not “normal” in any family that I know of.

pinkyredrose · 14/04/2024 14:00

It is a pity that your parent has such a distant relationship with your stepson

Why is it a pity? Presumably he has grandparents who he has a relationship with.

Astariel · 14/04/2024 14:05

Reallyneedsaholiday · 14/04/2024 13:53

If that’s “normal” in your house, then I’m sad for your children, as well. It’s not “normal” in any family that I know of.

Show quote history

yet, if the SM spent most contact weekends with her family and dragged the SC along, people would be berating her for being ‘selfish’ and denying the SC a relationship with their paternal family etc.

It is totally normal to prioritise seeing the SC’s extended family during the EOW contact time their father has with them. It’s acting in the children’s best interests and putting them first.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 14/04/2024 15:03

It is a pity that your parent has such a distant relationship with your stepson.

It really isn't. It's perfectly normal, as the priority is the stepson's relationship with his dad (along with SM and sibling(s)) and his paternal family. His stepmum's family should be an occasional meeting, maybe in his sibling's birthday or an odd pop in, but with limited time his own family and those relationships are more important to maintain.

I honestly don't get why this is so difficult for people to comprehend.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 14/04/2024 15:06

If that’s “normal” in your house, then I’m sad for your children, as well. It’s not “normal” in any family that I know of.

So, the families that you know prioritise relationships with the child's stepfamily over their own family?

mamajong · 14/04/2024 15:15

Imo a 12 yo is old enough to be home alone, so if he would have said yes regardless of your parents being there then I see no issue, but if he only said yes because your parents were there and he didn't ask them or let them know that's unreasonable

NoraBattysCurlers · 14/04/2024 15:45

RocketsMagnificent7 · 14/04/2024 15:03

It is a pity that your parent has such a distant relationship with your stepson.

It really isn't. It's perfectly normal, as the priority is the stepson's relationship with his dad (along with SM and sibling(s)) and his paternal family. His stepmum's family should be an occasional meeting, maybe in his sibling's birthday or an odd pop in, but with limited time his own family and those relationships are more important to maintain.

I honestly don't get why this is so difficult for people to comprehend.

Well, if it is 'perfectly normal' in your world, then your world is a bit sad.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 14/04/2024 16:02

Well, if it is 'perfectly normal' in your world, then your world is a bit sad.

Are you saying that it's sad for a child to have their relationship with their own family prioritised? That it's better for them to miss out on time with their own grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins to spend time with their stepmum's family?

HuminaHuminaHumina · 14/04/2024 16:13

I’d love to know if op showed her DH this thread.

Concannon88 · 14/04/2024 16:42

So so unbelievably cheeky to offer up someone else as a babysitter. So cheeky!!!!!!!

Reallyneedsaholiday · 14/04/2024 16:44

Astariel · 14/04/2024 14:05

yet, if the SM spent most contact weekends with her family and dragged the SC along, people would be berating her for being ‘selfish’ and denying the SC a relationship with their paternal family etc.

It is totally normal to prioritise seeing the SC’s extended family during the EOW contact time their father has with them. It’s acting in the children’s best interests and putting them first.

Show quote history

As I said, I find that sad, and it’s not normal in any family that I know, where there are stepchildren.