DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

[Pony67]

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

YANBU

All it would have taken was for him to call and ask your parent if it was all right especially when there was another child in tow.

Not everyone is comfortable watching a child they don’t know and never met without warning and not having met the friend’s parents. That leaves your parent liable if something had gone wrong under their watch with SS’s friend.

How would your DH feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he went from watching one to three children with no warning?

If the OP and/or her DH invited the OP's parents to visit then went out leaving them to look after their shared DC without asking if it would be okay they would be unreasonable. So it's equally unreasonable to expect the OP's parents to look after the OP's DSS without asking them.

It's even more rude to expect them to look after another unrelated child but really it's the not having the manners to ask for st that makes the DH unreasonable/rude. It doesn't matter who the extra child/rent is.

It’s fine presumably your mother knows u married into a step family stop making him feel unwelcome it’s a honour for teens to feel like they can bring friends over

@mrsdineen2 - as @Pony67‘s dh didn’t ASK his in-law if they would be happy to look after his older child, you can’t frame this as the grandparent rejecting their step grandchild, because you have no evidence either way.

The issue is that the OP’s dh didn’t bother to ask if it would be OK for his son to be there too - frankly, it doesn’t matter who the babysitter is, who the extra children are, or what sort of relationship the sitter has with the older child - if someone - anyone - is asked to look after one child, it is cheeky fuckery to add two more children without asking!

Really really bad form, very presumptuous and rude.

That’s beside the point. Surely your DH can see that your parent will be responsible for 1, probably 2, children she doesn’t know well plus your child? It’s not just feeding the kids it’s the responsibility should they have an accident, decide to take themselves off somewhere and so on. And looking after 12 year olds is totally different to looking after a small child. Your DH wildly overstepped.

Out of order and I hope he is encouraged to apologise to your parent.
Bit bemused by all these step children who still need constant supervision at 12 though. I've noticed it in real life too. Is due to over compensating?

I think it’s really rude to do this to ANYONE and he owes your parent a sincere apology.
on another note though, why does your parent not have a good relationship with your SS? I find that really sad.

It might be his home, but his actual parent - his dad - isn’t there to supervise and OP had only organised her parent to babysit their younger child. It’s not the fact that DH said yes to his ex dropping off his son, it’s that he didn’t make sure it was OK with OP’s parent first. It’s just rude.

How patronising can you get !! Yes OP’s mum knows she married into a step family. That’s absolutely no excuse for DH to drop two extra, much older children on her with no notice and without even asking if it was OK. Different if OP or DH were at home, but totally rude to expect someone else to just step up.

should have at least asked first-an why does ehe need supervision at 12

Where does it say he’s ostracised ? OP says her parent doesn’t know him well and they don’t have a grandparent/grandchild relationship. That could be for a variety of reasons - the opportunity to build a relationship may not arise depending on contact arrangements. Doesn’t mean they deliberately shun him.

If I was asked to have 1 child and ended up with three - you can bet I’d say NO to any future babysitting.

It’s unfair and not how we treat each other.

Dunno really.

YANBU insofar as your parent is there and (from your perspective) is now being hustled into additional babysitting.

YABU though in that the house should be as much your stepsons home as it is your biological child’s, and a 12 year old could be left home alone without need for babysitting- so would/could be there anyway, IYSWIM?

So no easy answer really. But I think it’s a pertinent reminder of why blended/step families are a lot more complicated than people often imagine they will be, and why creating one successfully isn’t easy.

Surely it's basic that you don't offer up someone else as a free babysitter without asking them first? Especially if they are already doing you a favour?

I'm sure your husband will deny that it would bother him if someone did it to him, but for sure it would.

This is utterly irrelevant. If SS lived with OP, the chances are her parents would already know him quite well. Plus when asked if they could babysit they would know that he was likely to be present and could take that into account when deciding whether to agree. It would still be wrong to invite his friend round without asking them, though.

I am cringing for your incredibly rude husband. What a prize CF.

Absolutely taking the piss… DH should have returned home immediately and apologized to your DM @Pony67. Typical selfish, entitled man. I’d lose my shit over this!

This is so rude! It suggests he doesn’t respect your parent at all or value the support they provide to enable you both to work. How would he feel if your parent decides they won’t help anymore because of this? I hope your husband sees the error of his ways quickly and apologises to your parent. Out of interest, do you think he would behave this way if it was his parent looking after the kids, or do you think he’d check with them first?

OP, let us know when your husband is next looking after your child on his own. We'll drop our kids round for him to look after too. After all, according to him it's perfectly normal and polite.

I don't think they did anything wrong really and having the friend there will keep ss occupied. Is it not his house also. Step-parents can act really weird.

If I were the OP and it were my mum babysitting my child/her grandchild, and DH’s ex-wife wanted to go out today so dropped her kid and his friend at my house - I GUARANTEE that would be the last time my mum would do childcare for me. She’d expect me to take her grandchild to her house for fun times/ Sunday lunch, do day trips etc, just generally enjoy her grandchild. She has more dignity than to be treated as unpaid, not-even-consulted childcare for two children she’s not related to and one child she’s never even seen before.

And, she would make it very clear to my DH exactly what she thought of him taking advantage of her in this way. My dad would probably tell him as well. They wouldn’t hold back, and they’d be cross with me too, for not sorting it out.

This is shockingly rude and presumptuous. Nothing to do with the step-relationship. It’s making plans for another adult without even consulting them, let alone asking them. I mean, in what circumstance can anyone expect that that’s ok? When I’m every day life does one adult ever so this to another?

Volunteering other people's time without asking them is always rude and ill advised!

I wouldn't be at all happy if I were the parents of the 12 year old's friend, either. If something happened, no-one's clearly in charge.

He’s a dick. I would be furious if he dumped his child on my parent without their consent.

In fact if the child hasn’t been dropped off yet, I’d say he needs to ring his ex back and say no, he made a mistake and it won’t be possible for her to drop off after all.

OP married into a step-family, not her mum!!