DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

[Pony67]

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

Maybe, but the point here is the way in which it was done. No notice - not even a heads up that he was coming, let alone bringing a friend. As evidenced by parent ringing to check if OP knew he was coming. That’s what’s unacceptable here.

Your parent agreed to look after one child,
That's like my parent agreeing to look after my nephew for my DS and me rocking up with my three for her to look after also without asking them such cf behavoiur.
Has nothing at all to do with if its a step child or biological for those saying that, adding more children than agreed without discussing first should never be assumed is ok to do even in an emergency I would ask first not just leave with someone in the family because they watching another child anyway type of attitude.

YABU though in that the house should be as much your stepsons home as it is your biological child’s, and a 12 year old could be left home alone without need for babysitting- so would/could be there anyway, IYSWIM?

Yes except as I've already said I can't imagine DH letting SS stay there all day alone if my parent wasnt there. I appreciate some 12 yos are left alone all day but SS isn't.

Why do you think he’s not in the family unit ? The point here is that parent was asked to babysit one child, and ended up with three - two of whom are significantly older - without any notice. That’s just rude. Parent is not the childs’ grandparent and doesn’t know him well - could be for any number of reasons, not necessarily that they don’t want him, or don’t consider him family. Without knowing the full set up this is a reach.

In a family where the children were full siblings, it would still be unreasonable to ask a grandparent to look after one small child for the day then arrange for the older child who was meant the be elsewhere to be dropped off with a friend.

The grandparent agreed to care for one child. Adding in two more without warning or consultation is rude full stop. The way those children are or aren't related is irrelevant.

YANBU its rude and it’s not your parents responsibility to look after an unrelated older child. Just because you and your DP decided to blend your immediate family, that decision does not automatically extend to everyone else.

Your SS and your parents don’t need a relationship if they don’t want, it wasn’t either of their decisions to be part of each others lives.

There will always be awkward situations in blended family set ups, but it’s up to the parents (the decision makers) of the shared DC and any SC to ensure that these situations are avoided.

In this instance that would be your DH who is using the OPs DP for free childcare. He is in the wrong. He should have said to ex, sorry can’t do both me at OP are working today.

But you will have posters coming along talking about family units and chastising your parents for not leaving half their possession in their will to SS etc etc

Wouldn't a 12 year old have their own front door key to their home though?
This child has 2 homes.
Surely he could just go there and let himself in? It's his home.

I would read him the bloody riot act to be honest!!
Regardless of whether ss is 'part of the family unit' or not the agreement was your parents were looking after one child!
There have been times when my sister has agreed to look after one of my children, I certainly wouldn't just show up with both of them without asking, even though they are full siblings the agreement was she would only be looking after one of them!!

He completely took advantage of your patent. They don't owe his child any childcare whatsoever. And then to bring another child into that too. Wow I would be furious at him dumping that on your parent.

Ah, so there we have it. It’s OP’s fault. As the step parent she should shoulder full responsibility for not having read her DH’s mind and not preparing her mum for looking after three kids instead of one. Yes, it’s DSS’s home also, but OP and DH were not at home, and at the very least DH should have asked OP’m mum if she was OK looking after the other kids as well. Anything else is rude and entitled.

I am out all day and my cat is lonely can i drop him off too ?. Dont stroke him he is a bitey bugger.

Cat tax paid

In other words yes your dh is a cf and should apologise and he should send ss and his mate to his own ( DHs ) parents

Hes not a little kid that requires care he's a 12 year old boy very much entitled to be in his father home. He's still part of that household and shouldn't be treated ant differently from his sm parents. Many boys that age won't be home alone. I'm thankful my son is treated with kindness and respect from all family members not an unwanted outsider.

It’s just plain rude. Obviously no problem if asked and agreed prior to your parent arriving. There’s a distinct difference between asking if ok and just assuming ok.

Of course it changes the dynamic for the person babysitting and they need to be asked in advance if they’re happy to babysit all three without making the assumption for them.

It's pretty clear that the child's parents are in agreement that he cannot be left alone at home for a day, hence him being dropped off to be cared for by the OP's parent.

It would be exactly the same if the children were full siblings.

Mr McBitey is a very handsome cat SamBeckett !! And inscrutable to boot !!

@Poppinjay the OP never said that though.
It could be that him and his mate wanted to be at that house because that's where the footy goal in the garden or the playstation or the massive Hornby train set happen to be and they wanted to play with it....
Who knows?

Very rude & your DH was totally out of order. So cheeky.

Your DH prefers having an easy life and dislikes confronting parenting issues with his ex. Instead of saying to his ex, "Sorry, I'm not at home to take care of him", he thought it'd be perfect for your parent to give free childcare.

To make it even easier for him, he invited a friend of your step son when your parent a) doesn't know/have a relationship with your SS, b) shouldn't be providing free child care to his friend at all.

You need to have a serious talk with him. It's up to him and his ex to look after their child. Saying your SS is old enough not to need "too much care" is a cope out.

.

Wow! Your DH is an arse. I’d be furious if mine did this.

This thread is rapidly going the way of all step parent related threads. ‘He’s a step kid so he must be mistreated in some way - poor kid’. Did you stop to think that if both his actual parents think he’s not ready to be left at home alone, then, erm, he’s not ready to be left at home alone. In either home. So, given that both OP and DH are out at work and OP has only arranged for her mum to babysit one child, the polite and courteous thing to do would have been for DH to contact her mum to ask if she’s happy to look after three kids instead of one. Would be the same scenario regardless of the relationship to whoever is babysitting.

With regard to the relationship between DSS and OP’s parents, the decision to marry and blend their families was entirely that of OP and her DH. It doesn’t follow that either sets of parents in this kind of scenario would necessarily want a relationship, or be expected to act as GC to children they are not related to and, for whatever reason, don’t know well.

Of course, and I agree, but his dad wasn’t there, and he didn’t have the courtesy to ask two totally unrelated people to his son if they would mind looking after 3 children instead of one. It’s nothing to do with the 12 yr old not being welcome, but his father not bothering to be there for his contact and offloading him. I feel sorry for the lad, but that doesn’t make the dad right.

" my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12)."

Yes she did.

The step child thing is a complete red herring.

If I asked my parents to mind my 5 year old thinking my 12 year old was away for the day and then I was asked to change the plan so 12 year old and his friend were at my house instead, of course I'd call my parents to check in and ask if it was ok. Who wouldn't in those circumstances? They might have made plans to go out with the 5 year old or order lunch or whatever. Most people would pick up the phone and say "sorry about this mum but 12 year old and friend are planning/hoping to come home - is that ok? they'll mind themselves" Then the parents can ask if it is ok to go to the park and leave the 12 year olds on their own/do they need lunch/whatever. It is just common courtesy that OP's DH lacks.

Weaponised infantilisation: how can you even think of leaving our 144 month old to fend for himself

Incredibly bad manners by the husband. He owes the parent a full and unequivocal apology. Plus a solemn commitment to never be as thoughtless again.

Won't happen though. The arrangement suited him so he can't see a problem. You can see why he has an ex wife. I wouldn't want to be married to such a selfish arse.

Actually she did. From her last update:

Yes except as I've already said I can't imagine DH letting SS stay there all day alone if my parent wasnt there. I appreciate some 12 yos are left alone all day but SS isn't.