DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

[Pony67]

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

Sometimes it's absolutely no wonder at all as to why a man has an ex-wife.

I would be livid if my husband were ever this rude to my parent. Honestly, how fucking dare he be so entitled and selfish?

You need to have a huge conversation about this, and if he refuses to apologise and grasp how completely wrong he is, you've got massive problems.

You're obviously invested in this so you can, but make sure you actually post the opposite of this thread, not a different scenario as above. If you want to accuse people of being sexist you need to do an accurate comparison.

Yes but that is being asked ...just as I would be for my grandchildren. I would never leave a SS out of asked. I would make suitable plans for the day knowing how many children and what ages I was dealing with. The way this was done shows no regard whatsoever for the people looking after all of the children. Even a nanny who is a paid employee expects to be asked if arrangements are changed leaving her with extra kids.

Exactly this.
Bet his ex wife is well rid of him and that the reasons he gives for the split are utter bullshit.

Of course he should have bloody asked, and I have no patience with the posters who are trying to make this into a poor unloved stepchild scenario. When you ask someone to do you a favour you don't just add on a favour for someone they don't even know (daughter's stepchild's mother) without asking or even warning them! Hell, if it was their own grandchild who wasn't expected to be round that day (plus friend they may or may not know), they should still be asked beforehand.

They would PROBABLY have said yes with a bit of briefing, and it will PROBABLY all work out smoothly, but if anyone can't see why this was totally the wrong way to approach things, I don't know how to help you 😕

Why would I post the exact opposite of it? I've been very clear about finding the random friend element of it incredibly rude. In fact that was my first contribution to thread.

He knows exactly how rude it is and doesn’t give a shit. He’s happier to upset your parent and you then say no to his ex. Pathetic.

Your DH should be leaving work and going home to look after his son and friend since he has committed to being responsible for their care today.

If your dh and his ex need childcare, they can't just nominate someone to do it without asking.

The key question for me is whether he would have said yes if there was no one home. So my 12 year old is allowed to be at home alone so if someone is there to look after dd, I would genuinely not consider it an issue for ds to be there too, even unexpectedly. But a year or two ago, when he wasn't allowed at home alone, him unexpectedly being home would have been ride without discussing it with any pre- agreed babysitter.

The key question for me is whether he would have said yes if there was no one home

I take that point - but with a 12 year old, a present adult would be deemed “responsible” for them if anything went wrong. So it’s bloody rude to impose that on the parent without so much as a word of warning.

@WimpoleHat I agree. Also, if the presence of the extra two children hasn't even been discussed with the babysitter, they might assume they need more keeping an eye on and 'input' than their parents would deem necessary. Especially with a child they presumably don't know (the step-son's friend)

If I’d been asked to look after 1 child and 2 extra 12 yr olds turned up I’d be really annoyed. I’d have no issue with it if I’d been asked, but not just turning up without me knowing.

I hope you are wrong about the situation you have conjured, @mrsdineen2 In any case you have no evidence for it, and it would not be a good idea to leave OP’s small child with older adults they did not know

Did he discuss and agree it with the parent doing the childcare?

OP, your husband’s behaviour was shocking. He owes both you and your parent a massive and material apology.

Extremely rude without even speaking to them. They signed up for a day looking after their little grandchild, not supervising 2 preteens on top of that.

He needs to apologise. That's really weird to do.

You're right, there's absolutely no history on here of posters insisting that a woman's in laws treat her children from previous relationships like family. I've hallucinated all those posts over the years. I'm away to get that looked about.

All of this. They're often so predicable.

You need to tell your partner that he’s fucked things, because this will make your parents less likely to want to babysit in the future. There goes your free childcare….

tell him in a bigger picture way why this is a problem, cause he seems too focused on the moment

I'm going against the grain here, is he not considered part of your family unit? My 15 year old goes between mine and my exs house and has been there when sm parents have been babysitting, he's even had a friend over and its been a none issue. He has two homes. It comes across like you don't view him as part of your unit but a stranger.

Me too! I’d have made him go back and do his own childcare. Rude and incredibly entitled.

But he’s absolutely nothing to do with op’s parents!

I don’t recall PPs suggesting that small children be left with adults they don’t know well. I agree that stepmums cone in for a lot of abuse