DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

[Pony67]

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

It's her parents babysitting. Not OP. At the very least, they should have been asked. Anything else is CF.

sorry opposite sex step parent with same scenario.

This thread is about adding an extra child UNASKED at the last minute. If you want to make a valid comparison then you need to post the same scenario with a male step parent. Your comparison will not achieve a valid outcome because you're changing the scenario significantly. HTH

Where have you gotten "small children" from? I'm talking about the common scenario where an older child from a previous relationship is ostracised by in laws.

Unacceptable when it's her child, perfectly fine when it's his.

I'm breaking the post down into two issues: The stepson, and the stepson's friend.

Op has bundled both issues into the same unacceptable problem.

I'm saying she's 100% right to be upset at the friend coming along, but out of order to be shouting loud and clear that stepson is not in the family unit.

OK, @mrsdineen2 if you are talking about in laws who don’t give the DSC Christmas presents, include them in family celebrations, etc, then yes they are criticised. And I am one who feels it is sometimes but not always wrong. It depends on the circumstances. Often the problem seems to amount to sheer minginess by people who can afford to behave better, never a good look

And all a far cry from the ‘turnabout scenario’ of leaving OP’s child with someone they don’t know well

There is a history of that, though SM also come in for a lot of critism too. This scenario wouldn't attract that bias because its completely different. Saying that the comments in this particular scenario would not change with the sex of the step parent doesn't equate to posters saying step mum's and step dad's are treated the same. You're conflating two different issues.

You suggested reversing the scenario. OP’s child is very young, so the reverse would involve what I described.

If you are focusing on gendered aspects of the reversal, I find them irrelevant. OP’s scenario would be equally appalling if she were a man, or in a same sex relationship

Her parents weren't ASKED. Why are you ignoring this? You don't just dump 1 extra child full or step or half on someone or ask very last minute when they're pressured unless its an emergency. That's it.

Dumping stepson's friend on her parents last minute was absolutely out of order.

But complaining about a sibling going to their own home is completely different.

I'd be absolutely fuming he didn't ask my parent first if it was ok not just to look after his son but a friend as well. I'd be telling your parent to send them both back home and I'd be telling your partner to get back to look after them. If he wants to tell his ex he will look after SS then he should do just that and bloody look after him. 2 parents so one of them should be dealing with the DC.

A sibling that isnt old enough to be completely responsible for themselves, yes you should absolutely ask and take time off to look after them yourself if your parents felt it was too much for them. It's entitled to think doing this is ok. If SS parents thought he was able to be completely independent he could have stayed at his Mum's house.

Sorry for the detail OP. Done tilting at windmills, going back to my book.

It is not so much the care but the partner not asking OP's parent first that is the main problem. Don't you think that it is rude to just tell a DC to go and they can take a random friend OP's parent has never even met before without even speaking to OP's parent to check they are ok with this? The SS's friend is literally a random child off the street.

Give it a week or so then make a post "my parents in law offer to babysit my two youngest, who I had with DH, but won't accept my elder son". You'll see the responses. I'll donate a tenner to a charity of your choice if I'm wrong.

Rather than moving the goalposts, let's properly reverse this:

It's the man's parents who are babysitting his child with his current wife. The wife has an older child from a previous relationship and it is her day to have said DC but she wants to go out. She sends her older child and a friend to her PILs without asking or consulting her DH or her PILs. Her DH is unhappy, to put it mildly. She posts complaining about him saying it's rude.

You'd better believe I'd tell her she's bang out of order. And so would most posters. In fact I'd like to bet she'd get her arse handed to her on a plate.

Don't forget the SS's random friend who OP's parent has never met before.

I didn't forget, the rudeness of that is very first thing I've said in this thread. There are two issues, that's one of them.

Funny how your attempt at a "proper" reverse has replaced working with the trivial "going out".

Not in this scenario. This boy is not the op's grandchild, the op wasn't home, and they weren't even asked if they would watch him. Even if the boy were their grandchild, they should still be asked if they are willing to babysit.

Funny how your attempt at a "proper" reverse has replaced working with the trivial "going out".

From the OP:

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12).

Nowhere since has she said that it's for work. It's the OP and her DH who are working.

I would also agree that the wife is completely out of order in this scenario. Even without sending along the friend.

If it happens that the extended family all get along well (including the PILs and the DSC) and the PILs can genuinely tell the wife ‘No’ I think it s acceptable for the wife to ask ahead about doing this, but only if she proposes to return early and give everyone a nice treat. Perhaps a favourite pastry or bottle of wine for the PILs, or everyone out to afternoon tea, etc

@Pony67

Yeah cheeky. Your mum should have been informed.

Yes, so a proper reverse would be "It's the man's parents who are babysitting his child with his current wife. The wife has an older child from a previous relationship and it is her ex's day to have said DC but he wants to go out."

If a useless ex imposed childcare onto a woman for the day, 99% of posters would expect the in laws, already babysitting one kid for the day, to step up and watch the second kid so she could work.

Askimg your dp to watch dss is fine (but ok for them to say no). Not asking and just assuming is ridiculously cheeky. What happens if your dp now says they wont watch your child again as they don't want to end up with dss and all his pals too!!

That's outrageous!

Awful behaviour and your parents may be less inclined to babysit in future.

Yes, so a proper reverse would be "It's the man's parents who are babysitting his child with his current wife. The wife has an older child from a previous relationship and it is her ex'sday to have said DC buthewants to go out."

Sorry, yes you're right. I got lost in the different relationships and omitted this further degree of separation.