Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

So what are they expecting him to do after they have gone.

I mean willing the house to him is only going to put him in penury as he won’t be able to afford to run it

I have lived in a multi generational house and not one individual lived their bill free.

If anything everyday at dinner everyone put what they earned that day into the middle of the table. (a bit like the tv series Bread but we had a plate instead of a chicken)
We as a family could then move forward quicker and with less expenses

Think brother needs to grow up and stop thinking he is hard done by and your parents should stop enabling them

This is 100% your parents doing. It was their job to guide their children to independence. I suspect your parents still like having your brother and co around.

When you give your adult children free accommodation, meals, clean house and bills paid you are basically making it very uncomfortable for them to move.

They need to become independent for their own well-being as this situation will be keeping them under their parents thumb. Is their an unspoken obligation in the pipeline...like caring for them rather than sending them into a care home?

They must have saved up enough for a deposit by now.

I have a few friends who have moved into 1 bed flats with 1 child as it is all they could afford and a few years and a few moves later they were buying bigger houses

It might not be ideal but it beats what db and his wife are doing which is quite frankly embarrassing

OP, as outrageous as your brother is being, I don’t think there’s much you can do other than come to terms with this mad situation. You won’t win because your parents have decided that your brother and his family are somehow helpless and in need. If you try to challenge that ridiculous idea (which is what you did) then YOU become the problem. You’ve had your say, they now know how you feel, and maybe what you’ve said will actually get them thinking a bit. But you can’t push it any further.

I say this from my own experience. Over the years I’ve come to terms with how my parents want things to be, because they have (mental) capacity and have decided that my freeloading brother is a helpless victim whose money issues are never his own fault. But I literally walk out of the room if they talk about their worries over their rapidly dwindling savings, and they know exactly why because I told them what I think. I don’t speak to my brother at all, and I won’t be his next source of money once my parents are finally out of savings.

@buswankerz had it right, if your dad mentions this again then cut him off and remind him that he didn’t like how the conversation went the last time.

One thing to look out for is your parents’ welfare, mental capacity and any care needs as they get older. If you have concerns over your parents’ ability to make financial decisions, or to access enough care in future then you may need to get involved with social services. Your brother has probably not factored in that the home will likely be sold at some point if one or both of them have to go into a home. Watch out for any financial control or exploitation and arm yourself with knowledge about what you can do, from outside the household, if you see signs of this. There are some good source of info online.

Sorry OP, it’s so hard to see it happening.

Given your answers, I’d just tell him it’s self inflicted problems and if he gets angry when pointed out to him, you don’t want to waste your time talking about it.

Because you (as a woman) will eventually marry a man and be ‘taken care of’. Once you are married off, you aren’t their problem any more. Whereas your brother (as a man) needs to be ‘set up’ to attract a wife that he will then have to take care of. It’s medieval but that’s the underlying belief I suspect, even if it’s not spelled out.

my aunt bankrupted herself buying a farm for her eldest son: it was very important to her that she ‘set him up’ properly, so that he could attract a good wife, have lots of lovely children, and look after her in her old age. Unf he took the farm, then married an older woman who already had children and didn’t want any more. So that didn’t work out 🤷‍♀️.

Sit back and watch your brother and sil put your parents in a care home as soon as they can.

I suspect they’ve told your parents that they will look after them in proper old age and your parents believe it.

They basically don’t like the girl in the family doing better than their son I think. It’s a weird kind of misogyny. Have they always favoured your brother? I think the fact that you cracked on and sorted yourself out makes it worse for them because it highlights how much he hasn’t been able to get on his own two feet. Such disordered thinking.

Honestly, I’d just say grey rock it every time he brings it up. Or maybe just say “what do you think you should do?” And bat it back to him, otherwise you’ll just be the bad guy.

I am Asian. This is how many Asians live. ( not me). It's really odd to see multigenerational living spread to others. I hope this is not me in ten years, given the CoL.

I also think there's not much you can do beyond removing yourself.

Wow, with the greatest of respect to your parents, are they mad? Why on earth are they supporting them to this extent? But why are your db and sil such blood sucking leeches on a combined income of at least 50k?
I bet they make sure your dp’s will is totally in their favour too.

I don’t think it’s the living together it’s the not paying a fair contribution. That’s what needs sorting somehow.

but I know someone else doing something similar and getting into debt but it’s like talking to a brick wall. Some people are just stupid .

Absolutely, have they NO shame?

😆

Your parents have created this situation. Maybe your dad venting is because your mum is the driver behind enabling it.

It's clear you're looking down on your brother's career choice. I'd leave that out of it.

Or perhaps he's just really worried about how they will cope financially in the future, but is being over-ruled by a wife who wants to keep her grandchild living with her and is therefore allowing them to have the royal mickey taken out of them by her free-loading son and DIL?

Even just a class teacher can earn more than 50k+ on UPS. Your brother is taking the mick if he’s earning anywhere near that and not contributing. But it’s your parents’ fault for enabling. Instead of talking to your parents, have you tried telling your brother that you are worried your dad’s said they are struggling to cope financially?

I’d bet you any money your DB stands to inherit their house entirely. He won’t move because if he gets his own place your parents might decide he doesn’t need it all and splits it with you. He’s doing his poor relation act to financially abuse your parents.

Well yes this but its not the Op’s problem.

He’s not a poor man, he has very odd ideas about paying everything for a couple earning at least 50k, then getting angry at his dd when she points this out.

This.

This is financial abuse and your parents-especially your dad-seem codependent. Your brother/sil are taking full advantage of the fact your parents want to feel needed and to keep family close. What an awful situation. Can you speak to parents and maybe show them this thread so they can see what everyone is saying aswell as you? The fact he gets angry tells me deep down he knows it’s not right. Your brother is disgusting in my opinion and for someone working as a teacher-a position of responsibility- I think this is absolutely shocking and disturbing. He’s an abuser.

Yup. Db and sil aren’t stupid, are they?

Can you chat casually to your brother and SIL, drop in that you didn't realise your dad struggled so much financially with nothing left by the 20th of each month. Just see how they react to this news? Perhaps they have no idea of this. Maybe your dad is too proud to have ever made this knowledge to them.

My brother emigrated to China after marriage. He taught at a university there. Little Emperors the male students were called because they were so entitled, money showered on them. Whereas generations before had struggled.

Our international students who shared halls with my other son. Refused to clean the shared kitchen, wash up etc preferring to pay the university fines. My son and others got really fed up taking down their rubbish all the time to avoid maggots, flies so they reported them.

My friend with an Airbnb a three day stay of four asians OMG the mess . I'd given her a lift there. Not a pot, pan, cup or glass was clean. They left an hour past checkout time after phone call, text and me having a quiet word with one in the garden.

They were very polite but god, entitled or incapable, hard to tell. BUT it's their parents fault when you think about it.

Nope. They’re deliberately making themselves appear helpless and homeless. If SIL works full time too they could be pulling in 80k between them.

There’s no way, I couldn’t say something to DB and SIL, like even causally drop in, how much rent do you pay living with Mum and Dad or to DIL say parents are struggling to pay for everything. Cannot understand how SIL is doing shopping but not paying for it herself. If your Dad is moaning that they have no money spare each month, ask him what he intends to do about it, sorry but your DB and SIL are taking them for granted, but they may have offered to pay and I expect your parents have said they can manage. It’s not good enough.