Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

Surely his sisters can step up and take over from the parents! Tongue firmly wedged in cheek by the way, though it's probably how he see it.

@Bluesky91 a 4 way split at the very least. Must have a good deposit saved. If your parents ask them to pay their way, they'll soon find a place of their own.

Title a bit misleading. The issue is not their pensions per se, but the fact they’re supporting two families in a large house.

I would have whipped my DB's sponging fu#$ing as if he did this. My dad would not get upset because DB would sort it positively for them all.

They should be saving up their money for when that day comes. It sounds like your DB + SIL are too lady and entitled. They don’t contribute financially or otherwise now. Why would they start later? They’ll likely have more children and be ‘too busy’.

Your parents could downsize to release money if/when they need it but not while they have freeloaders living with them.

What’s the status with their Will ?

You have nothing to lose by asking parents about their Will and also telling them that no living costs means db has plenty in the bank or should have.

if they do not make a 50/50 Will, You should absolutely leave them all to it, they are most unfair.

Dn goes to private school- wow, that struck me.

Teachers might not earn much but definitely enough to be paying a decent sum to your poor parents each month. Even if his wife gave them just her salary it would be something. We managed to survive and pay our mortgage on a teaching salary and a low wage. It was tight but doeable. I get that renting/mortgages is currently unaffordable but I'm not sure what their money is going on!

@Bluesky91 has already said that the house and a considerable private pension will go to the brother @coldcallerbaiter and @changeme4this

I'm sure it's easier said than done when it's your relationships at stake, but I think that if my parents were so blindly unfair, supporting one child and seemingly jealous of the other (or even expecting the 'successful' child to give them money while asking nothing of the one they're favouring and supporting)... I'd tell them once and for all that I wasn't happy with this situation and wouldn't be able to give them any more money. If they persisted in asking only me for money or crying to me about how unfair things were, without making the necessary changes to address the problems, I'd stop being available as often.

I don't think there is much you can do, they are all in a codependent situation that even though your df complains it's his own fault he's in that situation. The only thing you get out of this is absolution of guilt at having to look after them in their old age. It's all on your brother

Errr
that it’s no one’s business other than their own

Don't know why he's kicking off at you, he could always sell the big house

Even if they paid zero rent, they should contribute to bills etc.
I wonder why DF complained to you, was he expecting you to talk to DB, DM?

Not your fault, nor the government.

Your brother is an entitled twat - but if you don’t pick him up on it when he says “my house” or “my car”, how is he to know you have a problem with it? I would be correcting him every time he says it - “It’s not your house, it belongs to the DPs and you are just a leech letting them pay for everything.”

Im another a bit confused as to why they say they dont earn enough to live in their own home, id guess a basic teachers salary is around £30,000 a year, minimum wage for 37-40 hr week is around £27,500 joint income is more than enough for a family to live on, loads live on less.
But your dads right, pension money does not go far, i know lots of pensioners that have had to go back to work as they can not survive on basic state pension, so to cover your brothers family living cost as well. Think id be having a chat with brother on the quiet, like pay a set amount each month.

Basically your parents are still acting as parents and that they are in charge that means they pick up the tab. What your brother and family

That flew off.. what they are missing is being independent, separate and free, being grown ups. They will have to work it out. No point you getting into a tizz it is their emotional problem. Things will change. Your father both wants to be the alpha male and resents it. Your mother loves not having to face the empty nest. Your brothers family are making the best of it. I suppose your father thought you were jealous that you weren’t being looked after financially. Carefully point out to him that you value your independence and being responsible as that’s what grown ups do. Bit harsh perhaps. Also you say two pensions I assume one private for the state pension is about £10k per person a year at most (maybe up to 20 k for couple?) your brothers family earns about £50K? No wonder you are irritated.

The situation won't change. Dad loves moaning about how hard done by he is, Mum obviously wants 'the leeches' living there, and brother and wife are freeloaders who recognise a good deal when they've got one (and a house thrown in at the end - win, win!). Nothing OP can do will alter that unless the parents suddenly wise up that they're being treated as cash cows and mugs.

All you can do, OP, is to be very frank in telling them all of the above. Then wash your hands of it and maintain distance. If one or both parents become ill, they will look to you, not brother and wife, to provide help and care - this is 100% guaranteed - and they'll try to guilt trip you into doing it. Brother will still be golden child and will do sod all for them.

You can't alter people like this. All you can is to remove yourself from the situation as much as possible and speak your mind if pushed.

Sounds like they are fleecing your parents to be able to save for their own mortgage in the future. Two stable incomes childcare hours available they should be able to live comfortably

Well they're not very bright. They should have quietly bought somewhere and started letting it out.. then while the going is good buy a second property, let that out. And so on

One thing worth checking is if DB has registered a company. That might be interesting. You'd need to check with companies house. Of course your SIL family might be involved.

That's only if you're concerned though

I agree with this➡️ lacking in brains and self-awareness but bursting with entitlement.
➡️ they are highly likely to overreach and fall flat on their faces.
I would refrain from criticising or commenting, just stand back and watch it all unfold.
(Whilst taking notes so that you can anticipate and work things to your advantage as much as possible)

Yes but DN will be a teenager and coming home at all hours and then your parents won’t be quite so desperate to live with her.

I’m really confused why two adults, one in a professional role can’t even get their own flat. Regardless of expensive area. They should be able to save a good deposit not paying anything at the moment. They must be terrible with money.

What are they intending to do when their child becomes an adult and she also wants to live there permanently with her partner and future child(ren). Why does she have to move out yet DB and DSIL got to freeload through life. I think they’re setting a terrible example.

I find your post pretty confusing because I’m not sure who we are commenting on, CF DB or your parents. Seems like they have all set themselves up for a fall out so leave them to it.

Is there a family history to this? Have your parents always regarded your brother as a bit of a non starter, a bit helpless? Is this a habit with them? To feel responsible for him.
Of course there is the massive pull of a grandchild.
Perhaps this is a luxury lifestyle that they can’t really afford, having the little family so close. Are you successful and well off. It would be interesting to approach this from the angle of fairness to you with your parents. Do you have a partner?
Be careful, don’t let this explode into a family feud. You won’t win.