Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

This.

I know that teachers' wages in England are lower than those in Scotland (where I live and work) but I've not heard of a teacher starving yet.

I've just looked up the salary scale for England. I was wrong.

Honestly, there's no excuse for your brother's behaviour, OP.

When I was a young teacher, I lived with my parents but I paid them for my digs - and in those days, the wage for a probationer/NQT in Scotland was really low.

I was married to a teacher. We had no trouble buying our own place/paying nursery fees etc ..

We weren’t wealthy by any means but it was comfortable enough.

They're not even being looked after by your DB and SIL now.
Sadly though it doesn't sound like they want to hear it. I can only imagine how hard it is to watch.

The starting salary for a teacher is £30k
You don't say if he's primary or secondary school but £50k after 10years or so is easily achievable

Plus SIL earnings & it sounds like they have no childcare costs - they should be rolling in £ & easily able to afford to live alone

It's not abuse. The parents are adults who are willingly making this decision

This was what I was going to ask...it all points to it: living with in laws and lazy entitled son...

Omg, you cannot say this. How rude!

Op do you know how much teachers actually earn? Do your parents? The starting salary is £30k, a teacher on main scale will be on £40k before too long, with more for upper scale. It’s not unusual to earn £50k plus if a teacher wants more responsibilities/promotions. Of course they can afford to live by themselves, it may just not be the 5 bed house with luxuries such as cleaners they are used to. Having not paid your parents anything for so long I’m surprised they can’t buy something outright by now.

Can you be a bit curious? Find out if your brother and sil have savings, what your brother is on. Will he tell you? Then you can work out what your sil is on if you know how many hours she works. Then you have ammunition to give your parents. I think you need to protect your inheritance. It sounds like your brother will be angling for the house seeing as he is so poor and never managed to buy on his own.

The anger seems to be like “ oh, you have disposable income, I don’t” - he didn’t say it directly, I just felt he is very resentful I have a better income. I always had a feeling they are bank rolling my brother to get him the same standard of living as me.

it was perfectly fine for my parents when I lived in a 1 bed flat, while they lived in a 5 bed house (brother was at uni, but still lived at home). Now when I even utter the sound of him moving out, they both pounce on me crying murder - phrases like “push him to the streets” “cruelty” etc.

I'm a teacher. Whilst it feels that you should get paid more it certainly isn't minimum wage. There are many out there who get by on less.

Exactly.
TBH, SIL seems better than DB. She helps around a little bit, DB does absolutely nothing.

Teaching is an open pay structure - google teaching pay and look at how many years he has done. It is roughly one pay point per year. If he has responsibility that will be an allowance on top.

It’s reasonably easy to work out how much your brother is earning via teacher pay scales on Google. Calculations for your SIL is much easier. Give your dad the facts about their income.
The other niggling worry is that this might be financial abuse / coercion of the elderly.

If they contribute nothing financially, pay nothing for childcare and earn minimum 50k between them they should have plenty for a very hefty deposit or to buy a flat outright! Where is their money going?!

I think dad is too proud to tell my brother.

My parents also have these weird ideas about providing for sons. Can you explain it to me at all? I'm a daughter and have struggled to understand why they get to freeload and I get nothing but criticism and judgment, when I work hard and they don't.

Just to be clear on a few things here:

1. They (mum, dad and DB) all think my brother is very poor because he cannot buy a house like mine - oh wait, even if he can, they think “making him take a mortgage” is “pushing him to debts” “cruelty”
2. when they say DB can’t afford to live on his own, they mean living in a 3/4 bed house + the lifestyle
3. DB won’t move to a cheaper area
4. DB won’t take a betteR paying job or a role with more responsibility

Well then they are going to have to move away. Maybe nearer the school he works in,

If db and sil truly can’t afford to buy or rent anything then that is what benefits are for

I suspect db and sil can afford to buy but why make life difficult when your parents are paying for everything and doing everything for them. Are they expecting the house eventually

Your parents should be a bit more concerned about how their ds is going to cope after they have gone.

I would suggest that parents think about helping in a practical way for their ds and his wife to stand on their own 2 feet.
I would even broach the subject of what will happen after they have gone because if dB cannot afford a 1 bed flat how is he going to run a 5 bed house

Direct parents to look at what a teachers salary pays and a minimum wage job pays and what benefits they would be entitled to if they moved out on their own

I think they could be shocked at how much they are earning.

How do your parents think a family of 3 live on 2 minimum wage salaries
Do they think everyone moves in with their parents?

I did this. My mum and dad know how much DB + SIL earn. I don’t ask, they’d tell me a lower number if I ask.

There is no coercion or abuse. This whole shit show is my parents doing 50%.

Sorry if I’ve missed this but does DB not pay any rent to your parents? This is an incredibly messy setup if so, and it’s not just your parents fault, your DB and SIL are freeloaders

I wouldn’t have any sympathy tbh, they could ask for a contribution but they don’t. They favour your brother massively and to a delusional level.

They will probably leave their house to their son so aren’t worried about how he’ll manage. They are already setting up the narrative that he needs it more.