Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

You haven't been "super dumb" - you have been adults. Your respective siblings remain semi-infantile, looking to mummy and daddy to look after them.

It sounds to me like the penny is dropping with your dad. He's angry, because he knows this situation is of his own making. And like many a person angry with themselves, he turns the anger outwards rather than accept responsibility. Why blame himself when he can blame you or the Government? Even what he shouted at you - “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?” That's a bit of a giveaway to me, it tells me he's (briefly) considered asking your DB to move out, and then realised that your brother isn't equipped to live independently - and that he is responsible for that.

Well the pigeons are coming home to roost. And it's your parents' problem, not yours. They have many, many options; they just don't want to take any of them.<shrugs>

I would just disengage. Make no comments, make no suggestions, offer no advice. As others suggest upthread, restrict your responses to things like '“what do you think you should do?".

Oh, and when they ring you up looking for "help" - my first question would be 'isn't <sibling> better placed to give you a hand with that?'. Do not ask 'how high' just because they've said 'jump'.

I do find a lot of old people moan and groan about their pensions. Their generation often had just one parent working and the women working very part time. Whilst my Mother did work full time (teacher) many of her friends didnt and wonder why they just have the state pension to live on.

What that generation did have is house increases. My parent lived in London and brought in the early 70's. They still moan and moan and constantly remind everyone they are pensioners.

Your brother has got it with jam and cream on... Father knows he has enabled this. I have a relative whose SS lives with their girlfriend's parents for 10 YEARS! Claims they are still keen to buy something but they say they havent found anything suitable yet. Yeah right....

The other thing to watch for is if they are still there when parents need care or want to downsize

A lot of them have cause to. Surviving on a state pension can't be fun. People weren't warned how things were going to pan out for them. Women in particular often paid a lower rate 'stamp' meaning less pension. Fewer women worked outside the home.

The house increases in value just means that they are asset rich, cash poor. Yes, they could downsize, but they still have to live somewhere. There's a lot of costs involved in that too. And maybe people want to live in the community they have always lived in - with neighbours they know that they're close to and who look out for them. It shouldn't be too difficult to live out your days as you wish!

Even when folks had work pensions, they were penalised. My uncle had a work pension, public sector. In the end it only served to reduce his state entitlement!

@Bluesky91 your brother is an entitled twat and I really feel for you. How any parents can treat one child so blatantly favourably, I will never understand! And yes, you can see where it's going - lazy arse brother will get it all when they're gone. I wouldn't blame you one bit for pulling back. Don't do anything for them. Let him work for his inheritance x

You miss the bit about how our pensions weren’t protected. How anyone could asset strip a company and take the pension fund

Or just take the pension fund in order to buy themselves a nice yacht

We really shouldn’t moan about our pensions. After all they must have given someone a nice time.

...and there are no other teachers living (and managing) nearby? Or they could move to a less expensive area, perhaps nearer his school? Why are they irresponsible enough to have a child if they can't take care of themselves? Massive p*ss-takers!

I used to work in local government, good pension provision as anyone who knows about pensions will confirm. One of my colleagues was persuaded to switch to some pension provider by a financial advisor. She withdrew all her pension pot and going forward got no input from employer. This was in the 80s. I often wonder when pensions are discussed how she got on, I fear she has probably lost out on a lot. We all tried to warn her but she was adamant she was going to retire at 50 with a huge pension.

Iwasafool my pension was used to prop up a company on its last legs.

Mine was in the company pension scheme.

Yes I know someone who lost thousands but our scheme was the local government pension which is (or was I don't know if it has changed) a very good scheme.

I also know someone who was in the Standard Life pension, I think the big scandal with them and people losing money was probably 15 to 20 years ago so it can happen with personal pensions. He did eventually get some of his money back but it did take time and a big campaign.

I think it is generally accepted that the public sector schemes take some beating.

But you could only be in the public sector pension fund if you worked for local government etc

If you worked for a company you had no choice not to pay into the company pension scheme, it was taken directly from your salary. You also had no choice if the directors decided to line their own pockets with your money.

It wasn’t a case of choosing where you put your money and if you were sensible you put it into the public centre pension fund.

Yes but I was talking about my colleague, we worked in the public sector, she was talked into leaving an excellent scheme and we warned her not to. I don't think pension advisors can do that now, there was no protection back then and she was taken advanatage of.

Teachers pay isn’t great, but we’re not paid a pittance either. I currently earn a little over £40k. My partner is on a bit more than minimum wage. We bought our first house last year (we do live in the north though) and we’re expecting our first baby this summer.

There was a industry wide review of miss sold pensions in the 90s so your colleague probably was given a guaranteed pension similar to what she would have had from the LGPS.

That's good news, I don't know why it worried me so much but I didn't like her being taken advantage of. She will be coming up to retirement age now so I suppose that has made me think of her. She was a very nice trusting person.

Congratulations, hope you are coping. I can't imagine teaching is easy when pregnant.

I imagine packing shelves in a supermarket, plumbing, bricklaying, providing social care etc etc etc are probably harder when pregnant than teaching!!

Your brother is the enmeshed Golden Child in a narcissistic setting. You are the scapegoat. Awful.

How many pregnant bricklayers or plumbers have you actually encountered?

Having worked in a supermarket, being pregnant and teaching is far harder. I didn’t have a chair thrown at me when working in a supermarket. I didn’t have to work 12+ hours a day in a supermarket. I didnt have to hold my pee for over 3 hours at a time in the supermarket. I didn’t have to work through my lunch break. I also got my duties changed when pregnant in the supermarket, but not in the classroom.

A Pension is meant to cover living costs for 1 person.

2 pensions aren’t meant to cover living costs for adult children, their spouse and a child.

Both your db and sil need to grow up and get their own place.

On their own without your parents income they could then apply for UC to help with housing costs etc instead of expecting your parents to provide everything

The idea of living at home after marriage and expecting parents to put food on the table is just strange and weird

That doesn't mean teaching isn't tough. I've worked in a supermarket when pregnant and I reckon it was easier than teaching.