Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

Bluesky91 then they need to move out, live within their means/budget. Live in the real world not some pampered spoilt bit

Where has @Bluesky91 said she’s looking down on his career? It doesn’t matter whether he’s the school cook, caretaker or headteacher, he’s a freeloader taking the piss out of his retired parents.

Prepare for your DB and his wife to be gifted the house in the future.

It’s not your problem OP.
Living like this either suits your parents and the arrangement is mutually beneficial.
It would be a big change to go from a busy family household to the two of them rattling round a 5 bed house.
They have to heat the house anyway, I don’t understand why they are paying the child care though.

I’d keep out of it. Just agree with him “yes cost of living has shot up” and move conversation on.
If you wanted to make a point you could say “I’d love to get a cleaner for a few hours” or “I’d love a bigger house/more children” or “I’d love to take DH and DD to restaurant DB is at”. Then end with “but I can’t afford it because my mortgage/bills/childcare costs so much”.
Just moan along with them. That’s all this is, a moan, as you’ve already said your parents want your DBs family living with them and seem to think it is right thing to pay for them.
Just make sure when they do need help it comes from DB and he doesn’t worm out of it or worse gets you look after them and him!

That's funny. Your DB and SIL are rarely home now with work and "other things". But, your parents hope they will magically appear and be around more if they need it or if their costs go up as they age? Don't be surprised if your NVDB talks your parents into signing the house over to him, promising them care as long as they need it and then not providing it. After all, your NVDB knows you'll step up.

Yes, I do not have a high opinion of any CFers, no matter "how" they explain away their freeloading.

Just be up front with your brother.

“Dad is too proud to say anything but you need to contribute financially to the household”

Well, you’ve pointed it out now. Maybe your dad will reflect on some of what you’ve said.
At the end of the day, it’s between them.

I was thinking this. Be prepared not to receive anything in the future

DB and SIL don’t cry poverty at all. If anything, my DB thinks he is loaded! They are nice, esp SIL. She is a nice person and is quite tolerant of my parents and DB. In return, my parents gave her my place (which I have no problem with, it’s nice that they all get along well). She is a happy person, she pays for her own stuff etc.

if they were to move out, nothing would change for my Db, except the size of the house. He would 100% dump all chores and admin on SIL and continue to live an entitied life.

Why?

Hes an adult who didn't need lecturing off his offspring
Hes a pensioner that had 2 pensions. Most pensioners do. That doesn't mean he has cash

How he choses to spend thar has nothing to do with you. It still doesn't stop gik being skint at the end of the month
You sound jealous of your brother and thars the issue

Yep they will leave everything to DB as “he cared for them” and poor boy can’t afford his own place otherwise. Exactly this happened in my family, the DC did nearly no caring but the DP provided food, childcare, meals, car and petrol for 20 years.

I have a feeling that when it comes down to it, Daddy and Mommy will expect OP to do the biggest load of caring because how dare their poor, misunderstood, church-mouse poor NVDS be bogged down with such tasks. That would be cruel to him!

I loved my parents to no end but if they had pulled this stuff, I would have gone "low contact" because it would have driven me crazy.

I also still think it's a form of abuse from their NVDS. Sure, the parents are going along with it but what all have they been told? What story keeps them so sure that NVDS and his DW and DD could not make it on their own? When people get older (here and coping best I can), we don't always see the forest for the trees. That's why older people are the ones most likely to fall for scams and con men (including investment scams!).

I would also agree with your Dad but either way a slight twist.

"Yes the cost of living is scary but I'm sure with 4 adults in the house with an income you will manage better than we are"

I would continually point out when her raises it that there are 4 incomes in the household versus you only having 2.

Op, you don't seem to have talked to your brother. Is it really impossible to have a conversation with him?

That sounds very frustrating, OP. Where does all of your brother's/SIL's money go when they're not paying rent, utilities, food, and at least some childcare? Not that anyone should count on an inheritance, but I think PP are right that your parents will probably give him the house.

If she’s that nice, maybe talk directly to her and tell her your dad’s complained they’re running out of money each month?

DB won’t take a betteR paying job or a role with more responsibility

I agree with you but it still reads to me like OP things DB should be earning more

I always had a feeling they didn’t like the fact that DH and I earned our way. Even my in-laws are like this! They are constantly helping “poor SIL”, (DHs sister) she is a housewife with a wealthy husband. We have a house and a nice car, BUT, it’s all on mortgage/ debt. Our kids go to state schools and I always worked full time, even when children were babies. it was bloody hard. We paid for childcare. Not once did anyone offer to help - neither with childcare, nor with money.

Yes, I think one needs to find ways to earn enough to meet their own lifestyle expectations.

I think the problem is the lifestyle expectations not the job

On reflection I don’t think it’s financial as such, seen this before (I’m asian, this sounds very familiar). It’s about keeping sons close and helping them build up family lineage wealth by preserving the sons money (some sort of contribution is the norm though in asian households). Also comes with the expectation that the DIL will care for them in old age and they won’t end up in a care home. Many want to set up their sons but think their daughters will basically be added onto someoneelses family tree so no longer counts.

So utterly stupid. Head tilt “what do you think you should do dad” and leave it at that.

I'd be having a word with my brother. He's taking the piss. Your parents shouldn't need to ask, he earns a wage as does his wife - probably >£55k between them so why can't thry afford anything? It's complete BS yet he's watching your parents struggle. What an entitled AH he is.

Savings (investments), DNs school fees (my parents pay for activities I think), eating out, hobbies, commute.

He isn’t watching my parents struggle. I’m sure my parents didn’t even tell him, too proud to tell him they are struggling!!