Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

@Bluesky91

I’m afraid you either

tell you parents straight how this gross unfairness makes you feel (obviously you think this will cause a huge fallout, but at least they will know the truth)

You back off from your family, as to be honest this complaining to you about Money is toxic

or you put up with it, feel resentful for the rest of your life and likely live with immense emotional pressure in future to look after your parents

Do you see any other options?

Unfortunately, its misogyny. Sorry, but you did ask. I suffered from the same.

Would you tell your brother how unfair you find it?

and that you consider that consequence of him living off his parents for all these years means it is he will be the one to care for them in their old age?

Or a your family thing?

It's not like that in my family

Well that will carry on into your parents' dotage

I hope you won't cave to their expectations

Where do your parents/ DB live?
I suspect SE. Which town?

It annoys me that people feel entitled to live in an area. If you can't afford to buy what you need (not want) in an area, then you need to look further out.

We had to do that on our property journey. In fact, fiscally, it was probably the best decision. We bought a house in an area which was a compromise, we didn't love it but we could see the benefits and that if we had to sell it, it would sell quickly. We stayed there 5 years and made a lot of money on it which enabled us to buy a lovely house in a great area

It sounds like you might have to have a chat with your DB - he might be clueless as to your parents finances

You either talk to your brother or you talk to your dad. ideally, you talk to both about this set up.

Maybe uncouth to mention but it's just so hugely unfair to you in terms of the financial support your brother has had. If you feel unable to talk can you message?

Your brother and his family should be living in their own place - it’s ridiculous. But whilst your parents continue to allow this to happen, there is not much you can do.

It only recently dawned upon me that we are probably really stupid for standing up on our own early on

Actually I don't think you're stupid at all, since by providing for your own family you've freed yourself from unreasonable expectations, cultural or not

I doubt you'll ever be able to do anything about DB's "little prince" status, but if they hope to inherit all DPs' assets, here's hoping your SIL's prepared to do all the caring. Normally I'd suggest it should be shared, but them being so amply compensated changes things and that's something I'd be happy to say if it comes to it

Yes, but given how lazy the brother is, it will be the SIL who will have to do it.

Hope you get something from this thread @Bluesky91 . No one is disagreeing about the unfairness of it all

Could you speak confidentially to your brother and explain your dad is worrying about money to you, don't overstep and make suggestions to your brother at this point about the solution (they cover bills perhaps) just matter of fact that your parents are struggling.

And are your parents putting aside the equivalent amount that they are contributing to your brothers family to yours?

Or leaving you more in their wills as compensation?

I'd be using the term financial abuse every time DF or DM mentioned it.

A good friend of mine is a teacher and a single parent too, they are managing to pay a mortgage and all the other bills of their own home.

This 100%. In the meantime, if the parents develop health issues there will be every reason under the sun why the brother and his wife just cannot look after them. So predictable.

then they should move to a cheaper area or get another job that pays more

dad was renting a place near where he worked in london as we lived up north - we moved to london but we could not afford a house there - i was a kid at the time - so my parents bough a house in a cheaper area of london and he still rented the room there as he worked night and day shits and travel thse days took longer via public transpoert

so get them to get a another better paying job and or move to a cheaper area as thats most people do

If they are not paying and your parents are moaning re money its their fault for letting them live there at zero cost

Thank you. You have to live within your means
Given the coice I'd buy and live in a property opposite Hyde Park but it wont make finacial sense as we'd have to sell all of our properties to get a half decent apartment there

I would resort to gloating. "Yes, we have disposable income because we have worked so hard. Now we reap the rewards." Tempting to add "Holiday in sunny Florida this year!" Then ask where your dowry is.

Your father is probably incandescent with rage because he feels he has fulfilled all the expectations of his family and society and now he looks after another two generations of his family and feels poor. He probably feels very hard done by because not giving you anything is (in his head) harder for him than for you. There's obviously vast amounts of FOG around for everybody except DB and SIL.

There is a deeply enmeshed relationship and your parents like their role in being the centre of it all. Your bro lives like a prince, no wonder he doesn’t want to move out of the bill free home cooked meal gaff

agree it’s fundamentally unfair but not sure you’ll be able to initiate any change, you’ll be branded the troublemaker and ostracised

Well those two can look after your parents as they age then.

I certainly wouldn't stomach your DF moaning about a lack of money. It's nothing to do with you.

It beggars belief that your DB has so little pride.

Weird that your Dad is getting so cross with you as you're the one who's moved out but that's families for you.

Your parents should be charging your brother rent. Even if it's not a fortune, 500 a month would help your parents I'm sure your brother and his family aren't hardly going to get a better deal than that. Have they been saving a lot during this period?

this is probably correct.