Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

No, not a ‘my family’ thing
All the adults of my parents generation are the same when we grew up.
All Irish, if that’s relevant.

Telling him that he'll be responsible for any future care will have no impact whatsoever. Brother and his wife either will just not do it or will come up with any number of excuses as to why they can't do it.

Freeloaders don't repay - they simply freeload. OP needs to detach herself from it, as it won't make one iota of difference what she thinks or says. The brother is obviously golden child here.

I agree @DriftingDora . The brother and his wife aren't going to suddenly develop a conscience and put themselves out to care for the ops parents. They will suddenly find enough money to move somewhere miles away from the elderly parents who now expect the op to drop everything for them.

I really hope she doesn't.

i think it must be a thing. PIL here constantly driving up and down the country to help our SIL and BIL. Constant tearful commentary “poor them” “they’ve got nothing” (they have!) I’m just glad I live independently and have my weekends to myself. Life is too short!!!

Thinking @Bluesky91 had better move away first.

Shut down your Dad any time he tries to talk about it with a clear message - talk to my brother not me. He's the one on the take. And despite your nice comments, so if you SIL. Entitled fuckers. But essentially, your parents have enabled this and if it is causing them drama, that's one them

You don't need to say anything about caring into the future - just know you 'do it. End of.

I am not speaking to my DB today. As someone rightly said, DB will throw everything at me to keep the lifestyle. I feel my parents are in a way scared of saying anything to DB. He was a difficult child growing up. Getting into wrong company, troubles etc. I think they are just grateful he is on a “good” path with a partner who is very subservient.

He refers to my parents house and car as “mine”. So things have already gone too far while I was busy with the grind of life.

For example: “let’s watch football at my house”
“Let’s go in my car”

What she is saying is that her parents and her NAADB feel that is what he is entitled to have So, to them, It's what they need, and they have dear mommy and daddy's support. If they had real bills, they would have to be responsible adults, and that will just not do!

I think that might be the most sensible decision and for self-preservation.
I’ve decided the same course of action for the similar event going on in my own family.
You have got to do what is right for you. 💐

I understand why you won't speak to your DB . I would now take a huge step back. If your DDad brings up money worries again simply shut the conversation down " oh I'm sorry that two pensions and two wages don't stretch far enough, maybe adjust your budget " " yes me and DH have had to look at our budget too , but at least you have four sources of income "

This 💯

That is one of the things that needs to change. Tell BOTH sets of parents the honest to goodness truth. That you have not taken any money from them, so it is not right nor fair that they expect you to help them whenever they want. Inform them that you are off the list and since they have been so generous to the daughter and son of the respective parents, they need to go to them for help, as you both feel that people need to make it on their own, as you both have done.

You owe them nothing, nada, zilch. You only owe each other and your family unit the best.

@Bluesky91 this is a good example of grey rocking, it's basically responding without really engaging or getting drawn in. It's being sympathetic while letting them know this is not your problem to solve.

He sounds like an immature grifter. I hope you and your OH step away and go low contact. You both deserve much better than what you get from each of your parents.

@Bluesky91
I don't blame you for not doing it today but I do think a chat needs to be had at some point otherwise you're just kicking it into the long grass.

If you don't say anything, I bet he will still get in touch with you if your parents need any care.

Wow, your brother and sisyer in law are living the life of luxury in a house thry could never afford with a live in maid, chef, nanny service and no bills. Thats insane.

Your B & SIL are spongers. And your parents enable them. There’s not a lot you can do about it. It has nothing to do with you. Tell your Dad that.

I am aware that the house + significant private pensions will go to my brother.

Surely private pensions will die with them eventually, I believe it's only a surviving spouse who can claim a percentage after the pensioner's death.

If your brother is a teacher and has been for a while, he's not a huge earner but he earns a comfortable wage. I've been teaching 13 years and am on £46,525. I'm not in London or the fringe, and if I was, I'd get more. Annoying as it is, men are in demand in teaching as there's less of them so he could easily progress and earn more. Minimum wage and child benefit will amount probably to another £20k. They are not on the breadline.
They are spongers and taking advantage. I'd have to say something to my brother.
What's happening with the house in your parents' will? I'm assuming it will be left entirely to your brother and his wife??
Where does that leave you?

I agree you parents pensions are stretching to cover a family of 4 adults and a child. Most people would. Does your brother’s partner work?? I’m a teacher and have never truly struggled when part of a couple. When we split and I’ve got one part time salary it has been a struggle and if it wasn’t for some inheritance to pay off my mortgage I’d be very strapped with the mortgage increase. But as a couple with one a teacher I can’t see why they wouldn’t contribute to your parent’s household costs. Depending on where you live and how far up the teachers pay scale he is I can see it could be tricky buying somewhere just now and some rent can be extortionate. But they really should be paying a good chunk to your parents.

Hopefully there isn't any wills and so by law everything will go to the surviving spouse and then when that person dies the assets should be divided up 50/50. Of course that's when the real fun starts and the OP tells DB that he needs to sell the house so she can get her half.

Whether pensions can be inherited or not depends on what type of pensions they are. Not all have any survivors benefits, some do but that's more likely to be spouse only, not children as they're all over 25.

It’s all well & good your Df letting off steam to you but really he needs to talk to your Db who is a free loading lazy arse; who is obviously just waiting for your darling parents to croak, he’s then sitting pretty in a lovely 5 bed house whilst your left with nothing; low salary teachers get a pretty good salary these days it’s not all doom & gloom tell the lazy sod to sort himself out

I’ve been in a similar situation. Basically, your parents or brother won’t change. If you get involved, you’ll be seen as interfering and a trouble causer. But your dad clearly wanted to moan to you about it. And it might just have been a moan rather than wanting actual help. The best you can do is just listen and question things, not give an opinion or tell them how to live their lives. If you just listen and question instead, I.e. oh that’s terrible, where is all the money going? What will you do? How will you cope? Etc etc hopefully they will see the answers for themselves. There’s 4 adults in the house and all should be contributing. If they continue as they are, their pensions will run out and then what? They’ve not even taught their son how to pay the bills or take any household responsibility. I find it quite disgusting though that your brother and sil take such advantage of them but any change needs to be instigated by your parents.

1. Your brother is taking the piss
2. People with massive houses who claim they’re poor are taking the piss.
3. v annoying all round for you, OP

But not your problem, let the two scroungers deal with it!