Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

Yep, l can imagine your brother will want it both ways. I would just remind him that’s he’s been freeloading off them for years so it’s him and his wife doing the caring responsibilities for your parents. Dig your heels in and remind him you’ve akways stood on your own two feet

It is great that they are all benefiting from multi generational living socially. Helping with childcare, seeing their grandson every day etc and that they are all happy with this arrangement.
What is not good is that your DB & SIL are not contributing financially.
Could you have a quiet word with them that your Dad is worried about money but won't say anything?
Do you think that would be a wake up call for them?
An alternative way would be to sell the 5 bed house and buy a pair of New Build semis ( from a reputable builder ) using the proceeds and some of your DB savings.
They could then have a combined garden and benefits of multi generation living. But their own bills and privacy. There would also be starting a clean sheet in terms of maintainance, no new kitchens, bathrooms, roof repairs etc needed as your parents get older.
If you go with a good builder with good insulation even the combined heating bills etc could be less than heating a big house.

Sounds good, but this will be difficult to achieve in practice as my parents house is quite central and close to everything. They have their friends etc living near by. I doubt we’ll find 2 new build semis in a 3mile radius from here, and I doubt their current house can get them 2 properties.

Also, who will pay for DB,s cleaners, bills etc? He never paid for any of those in life, I don’t think they’ll be jumping with joy with this proposal - why would DB even disturb the current set up ?

This is not a pension problem.
This is not even a lazy, entitled DB problem.

This is a parent problem.

i’m sorry op that you parents treat you so unfairly. It wouldn’t surprise me in this situation if your DB ends up inheriting the entire house either.

Have your parents ever acknowledged how unfairly they treat their children (you and your DB)??

Did they always favour him, even when you were children?

This must be so painful for you.

It is super-toxic.

The sheer audacity and lack of self awareness or care for you, for your DF to bankroll his son and not you, then complain to you about his lack of funds, would be enough to make me seriously distance myself from them and tell them how unfair they have been.

They have not treated us differently growing up.

Would you distance yourself because of how unfairly they treat you as adults?

What do you want from this thread op?

Are your SIL’s parents still around?

What will happen if/when they need care? Shes more likely to want to care for her own parents than her in laws

Perhaps they think your husband's family should support you now @Bluesky91

To say parents have 2 pensions is to tell us nothing. 2 state pensions? So about £20k a year total? 2 occupational pensions from high roller jobs in the city? So £100k plus their SPs?

That said B&SiL should be paying rent and helping around the house. SiL should pull her finger out and tell off her OH for being a lazy git. I've no problem if they want to share accommodation but if mom is doing all the cooking that's not really fair on her. DB could cook on the weekends after doing a decent shop for the household. And they could be paying half or even 3/5s of the bills given there's 3 of them.

I was wondering the same. What would actually help you@Bluesky91? Is there something useful that you could take away from other peoples' opinions?

I don’t know.

I don't think that was what was meant at all.

I read it that it was indeed ruing the stark contrast between being a dependent child going to school (as a pupil) and a grown-up adult going to school (as a teacher) - i.e. both spend their day in the same place, but that's the only thing that's meant to be the same within the two vastly different roles.

What gives you this impression? I haven't seen any suggestion that this her expectation at all. She's been working full time for years in a demanding job, living independently with her DH and DC and paying her own bills.

My husband’s family is busy supporting SIL. Similar story there, but not financially as much - her husband earns a lot. It’s just constant stories of “poor SIL”. It only recently dawned upon me that we are probably really stupid for standing up on our own early on. In-laws are very comfortable financially but we never saw a penny come our way. SIL asks and takes “gifts” from them regularly. DH doesn’t ask.

We have something similar-ish with my inlaws. It stems really from my MIL's identity being fully wrapped up with being a mum. She has struggled to transition to a parent of adult children. My DH grew up, moved away, got a career. His brother funked out of uni and has lived at home ever since. Happy to be mothered and his mum is happy to oblige. It's a very co-dependent relationship.

Ultimately we've moved away as it was just too upsetting to have our noses rubbed in it all the time. DH has accepted that most things will be left to his brother after his parents pass. They have made their beds and the consequences are theirs alone. This has been very freeing but has taken several years to get there.

A teachers salary isn't so small that it's impossible to live independently on! I know many teachers with children and none live with their parents because they will struggle to cope.
Parents helping adult children is understandable but it's odd that your parents seem to pay for everything for your brother and his family

I don't actually see anything wrong with their living setup, if it works for them. However, the elephant in the room is the not paying their share.

I would have thought that the parents' contribution should largely be in providing the paid-for home for them all, with their DS and DIL picking up most of the regular running/living expenses for all of them in return.

I agree with others that there's no question other than that the house will be going straight to him on the parents' deaths. It won't be treated as an inheritance, because it's already 'his family home', so he 'can't be kicked out of it'. If anything, upon inheriting it, I wouldn't put it past him still complaining about having to pay the bills for such a large house that he got free, including getting his sister's half as well.

It obviously serves the family narrative well to paint him as perpetually poor, when he's not even struggling but must be very well off, with huge savings. Teachers really do earn their money in a horrible, thankless job, but they don't have a bad income at all.

Having read some more of this you do sound really resentful of DB. And I quite get that.

My parents financed DB2 to completely rebuild his home so he wouldn't have to move. A few years later after DB3's 3rd divorce my mom bought him a house. DB1 is a wealthy business person has never needed anything from them. I've been struggling in low paying jobs and my parents gave me a small amount towards a deposit on a house. Difference between what DB2 & DB3 have got and DB1 & me is nearly £200k. And now that my mom is nearly out of money to pay for care there's talk about how we "all" have to kick in to help pay for this. Well no, frankly. DB2&3 can pay for the next £400k before I feel I need to put in a penny. Oh and DB3 is being paid £1500 a month, tax free, to live in mom's house while she lives in a care home. Yes I'm resentful.

Family unfairness is really soul destroying and doesn't seem to end. MIL gave dh a 20 quid gift voucher when we got married, his sister, her dd, got 1k. No explanation, just it is what it is. Then she got the house when mil died. We got an old chair.

It really angered me but they aren't my family so it didn't actually hurt.

I suspect you are really hurting @Bluesky91 , and looking for answers to help but theres none really, apart from your parents seeing sense and your brother stopping taking the piss.

Which will probably never happen.

Personally id be giving them all a wide berth from now on in.

Yes but my understanding was that it was that the dad was complaining that it was the fault of the government for pensions being too low, they can't afford to support 5 people on them.

Then when OP essentially made the same point as you (that the pensions were supposed to be enough to support 2 retired people, not 3 dependents as well), he got annoyed. So of course he is being U.

I completely agree with you OP. It pisses me off when people refer to anything from 'the government' as some sort of magic money tree whereas it's actually coming from working people. What your dad was essentially saying is he thinks YOU should pay more in tax so HE would have more money which he would use to further support your brother.

Teaching isn't particularly low paid, ffs, most teacher's earn over the average wage by their third or fourth year and there are so many opportunities to earn more by taking leadership positions or doing extra tutoring or holiday clubs etc. His wife could also try to get a better paying job if needed, or as you say just cut their cloth appropriately. There are millions of families on a single wage or two minimum wages that manage to support themselves without staying with mummy and daddy!

Your parents are of course entitled to support your brother if they want but it's totally unreasonable to expect anyone other than themselves to fund it, and quite frankly stupid and inconsiderate to decide to moan about it to the child they AREN'T supporting!

And sorry @Bluesky91 , your dad sounds like an old bugger.

That house will be gifted straight to your freeloading, lazy cunt of a brother, by the way. You’ll see nothing.

Perhaps tell your parents you have no money and that you need to move back in with DH and DC???

Honestly, all you can do is distance yourself in this situation because nothing will change. It's too damaging for you to be so close. Just be 'busy', move further away if necessary and concentrate on your own nuclear family so that your own children don't suffer. Be unable to help with care later on and make it clear to your brother that this is his responsibility.