Wedding rings and DD/DSD

[TheCheekyKob]

I recently had my wedding/Engagement & eternity ring valued at a jewellers for insurance purposes.

A discussion happened after and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

I made a passing comment that it was nice they were valued at more then what we realised but it didn’t really matter as I wouldn’t ever sale them and plan to pass them down to our daughter anyway eventually.

DH was confused and presumed I would pass one to his DSD and I corrected him and said no, I planned to pass all 3 to our daughter as they are my rings. We had a minor ding dong about it in which he said he didn’t think it was fair and as he paid for them he should get to decide where they go after.

I completely disagree with this as yes he may have bought them but he gave them to me! They are the rings that signify our relationship and DSD would probably flog is straight away to get a few quid.

Just for background proposes DH and DSD mum were never married or engaged.

So should I be sharing the rings?

They are your rings to do as you want with. However, if you were in a situation where you had a good relationship with DSD and had been in her life for many years, I would want to pass on something. Could your DH buy you another item of jewellery for a significant event or anniversary with the intention of that being passed on to your DSD?

I think passing on jewellery is lovely but it gets tricky when there are more children involved. I’m still trying to figure out how to split mine between my children.

I’d leave them one each but my DSD is treated equally to a biological child and always will be. My DH and his sister were raised by a stepmum who then had a bio child and didn’t treat them equally at all - both are still in therapy in their forties. I’ve seen the pain creating diversity in a family can cause first hand. Luckily we’re all on the same page, 50/50 custody, and her Mum’s DH, her stepdad, also treats her like his own.

I know it’s not very mumsnetty though and over here we’re supposed to treat our stepkids like the child of a neighbour who has wandered in accidentally 😆.

Why is it a shame and a waste? The rings were loved by the person who wore them in life. They had meaning to that person. My gran for example met my grandad at 13 and they were never apart -when they married at 18 she never took her rings off again. Why should she be parted from them just so they can be sold or given to someone else? She had plenty of other possessions left to family members but she wanted to keep her rings and she did so. I'll be keeping mine too.

Because replacement value will always be higher then the actual value due to retail costs/profits/marketing verses gold or diamond value

But as for where the rings should go. I'd imagine the children of your relationship aswell ??

Yanbu op. Whether you like her or not is immaterial of the point (though you've written nothing that would suggest you don't like her imo!)
The point is you are not her mother and of course it's neither a given nor should it be expected that you leave her anything in your will. It is generally expected that you leave your daughter your inheritance.
Dsd will inherit from her mother. Dd will inherit from you. They presumably will each inherit equally from their father. That's fair and reasonable.

Same here, but I am the child.
My DSS is treated equally to my DS, it's not their fault the parents didn't stay together/get married etc.
MY children (bio/non bio) get equal shares after our deaths.
I would hate any child whose life I'd been significant in to think I didn't love them, certainly don't want to cause harm.

Why would his daughter want YOUR rings? You're not her mum, your marriage to her father isn't an important part of her life really, you pass them down to your daughter because they were her mothers and signify her parents love and marriage.

You've given your feelings away by saying: 'DSD would probably flog is straight away to get a few quid. ' doesn't sound like your relationship is that great...

Wouldn't your own daughters think about selling them too?

Devils advocate - How do you know it’s not important? I married my DSDs Dad when she was 5. Been with him since she was 2. Our marriage makes up half of her family and is very important to her. Ditto her mum and stepdads marriage when she was 6. The second marriages of her parents is all she will remember, literally the fabric of her childhood.

Both children have 2 parents to leave them personal processions.

Nd DSD might also inherit from her own mother too.

The rings were gifts to you, and you want to give them to your daughter/the child born out of this union, which makes sense to me. They are from the marriage of DD’s mother and father. DSD is entitled to any jewellery passed down from her mother. Would DH expect DSD to share half of her mother’s jewellery with DD? If he’s concerned about cash disparities, he should give DSD some other form of compensation, bearing in mind that the rings won’t be worth £8k—if you try to sell them on the secondhand jewellery market, you won’t get anywhere near that. For insurance purposes, insurance companies value our jewellery at what it would cost to replace a lost/stolen item with a BRAND NEW piece, from a jeweller, not replacing it with a piece from the secondhand market.

not to sound morbid but could you be buried in one, give the nicer one to your daughter and the other one to DSD?

Yes, that's how I'd see it too. Even though I have a DD and 2 DS's I wouldn't leave female jewellery to my DS's. I'd leave them something else of similar value

But the rings don’t belong to the OH. They belong to the OP. They aren’t jointly owned.

Why on earth would dsd want YOUR wedding rings. Bizarre

OP I totally 100% agree with you. It's your jewellery as they were given to you as a gift. It doesn't matter who bought it.

I wouldn't be interested in any of my stepmothers jewellery.

Your step daughter can inherit any jewellery from her own mum.

My mum has already told me I am having all of her jewellery. I imagine my brother will inherit my dad's watch collection.

You should give them to your DD. They are rings belonging to HER mother signifying HER mother and fathers marriage. Why would they go to DSD?

As a stepchild myself…my mum’s ring from my dad’s marriage was stolen when our house was burgled, so it is no longer around.

I wouldn’t dream of laying claim to my mum’s ring with my stepdad. We haven’t had the conversation, but my expectation is that it will 100% go to my younger half-sister. In fact, if it was offered to me, I would say to my half-sister that I don’t want it, as it is from the marriage of her parents. (Nor would I expect cash/something else to equal the value of the ring to ‘even us out’.)

I know. I think you've misread my post.

You can be a fan of your stepchildren AND want to put your own children first at times. In fact I would say it would be abnormal for a mum to never put her own child first when she has step children. In this case, OP wants to leave HER rings to her daughters. I don’t see how that means she doesn’t like her stepdaughter?

All the foot stomping on here and cries of “You’re not a fan” is really unhelpful and if said in real life by her DH/the ex/the in laws it would actually be a really manipulative and immature thing to say.

Yeah it would be really weird to give them to dsd

They're not his rings to give. If he feels so strongly he can give his daughter his watch, as you say.

The rings are a red herring. Your DH is upset that you view his daughter differently to your own. Unfortunately this is a perfect example of why blended families can be really difficult - step parents inevitably rarely feel the same way about step children as they do about their own, but their spouses can find that very upsetting.

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong to feel as you do.

Why on earth would your DSD want one of them? She should have her dad's wedding ring if she wants it. Your rings should go to your daughter.