Wedding rings and DD/DSD

[TheCheekyKob]

I recently had my wedding/Engagement & eternity ring valued at a jewellers for insurance purposes.

A discussion happened after and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

I made a passing comment that it was nice they were valued at more then what we realised but it didn’t really matter as I wouldn’t ever sale them and plan to pass them down to our daughter anyway eventually.

DH was confused and presumed I would pass one to his DSD and I corrected him and said no, I planned to pass all 3 to our daughter as they are my rings. We had a minor ding dong about it in which he said he didn’t think it was fair and as he paid for them he should get to decide where they go after.

I completely disagree with this as yes he may have bought them but he gave them to me! They are the rings that signify our relationship and DSD would probably flog is straight away to get a few quid.

Just for background proposes DH and DSD mum were never married or engaged.

So should I be sharing the rings?

I wouldn’t over think it OP, you’re quite right to pass your jewellery down to your daughter (or whoever you want to - sister, friend, goddaughter whatever). It’s your choice.

I can however see that he does not want his daughter to feel left out, she is the same to him as your shared daughter, so of course he doesn’t like the idea. Even if you have a very fair point and are not being unreasonable.

I’d simply say “hmm I don’t know if DSD would want a ring from me seeing as I’m not her mum… but anyway I won’t be dying any time soon so….”

also, and I genuinely mean this and not being a dick. Pretty much half of marriages don’t make it to the death bed separation so I REALLY wouldn’t overly worry about it.

Have you spoken to her to know what she’d do with it or are you just shit talking. You don’t seem to like her.

Bitchy bitchy. How do you know she would sell them? Maybe dad can buy her a ring?

No! They were a gift to you thus they are yours.

It would be v odd to give them to your DSD, unless you’ve raised her as your own, as she is not a product of your marriage

What is he on??

Your DD might sell them too.

Really? Will he buy our DD a ring too?

If he’s buying rings for everyone then il have another one while he’s at it 😂

Literally what I said. I’m well aware that no one would get the replacement value for them.

Hence saying a few pounds.

If we don’t make it to the death bed together (which of course is a possibility) then I’m keeping the rings 100% and flogging them to go on holiday with my DD 😂😂

OMG. Let’s not start on the ‘don’t seem to like her’ rubbish.

So the value isn’t really relevant.

I don’t get this. My grandparents weren’t my mum and dad’s marriage and I treasure grandmas jewellery. My aunt was single and I think of her regularly while wearing her earrings. My neighbour was unrelated to me, and I love the tea set I have of hers. Jewellery is very sentimental, but it doesn’t seem relevant it’s not her mum and dad’s marriage and a very odd way to look at it. Basically are you trying to say there is zero affection between you?

i do agree wedding jewellery is very sentimental, but with 3 rings I think it would be very normal for one to go to the dsd, absent other major factors. Look at it another way- you accepting them from your dh was you agreeing to be dsds stepmother.

Sorry - financial value isn’t really relevant.

I think it’s important that your DH understands this.

But you don’t seem to like her? It is clearly inconceivable to you that she might have the sentimental attachment to your jewellery that most women do to jewellery they’ve inherited from family and friends, not just their mum. Your assumption the only possible outcome is her selling them clearly shows that you can’t imagine her having sentimental attachment. I wouldn’t sell anything I’ve been bequeathed. What other explanation is there except that you don’t like her and she doesn’t like you? (Bit of a drop feed if the next post is that she refuses to visit her dad if you’re in the house or similar, or she’s a long term drug addict and would sell a shoelace if you gave her one)

Whats with the bitchy comment regarding sd flogging them?

It's clear you don't see her as part of your family so just tell him that and be done.

Is he an idiot ! or just controlling ?

Your daughter is a product of your marriage to him

his daughter is not a product of your marriage

his daughter can inherit from her mother, and from your husband - her father

your daughter can inherit from you and from your husband - her father

does he really believe anything and everything he has ever bought you / given to you belongs to him

I am speaking from experience. Obviously you know this intellectually- but you can’t actually plan on not dying. You can do your best but you don’t have ultimate control over that. My mother made a huge deal, for decades, about “her rings”. I never wear jewellery, apart from my own wedding ring. It made her feel very powerful. They have disappeared. I believe I know who has or had them. I’m glad. I couldn’t care less. Inheritance comes in all sorts of forms! Having sorted out the mess of my parents’ estate, uncovered reams of letters, , going back to the 70s where she and other family members (female) were contesting wills and accusing attorneys (family is US) - I honestly believe it’s not worth it. Certainly make things fair. But please don’t make a big deal about rings. Let them remember you for more than that.

I don't see how the rings would have any sentimental value to your DSD. They're your rings to do as you wish with.

Though my sister gave her engagement ring from her first husband to her second MIL, so anything goes!

I don't get why you would object to your husband buying her a ring one day. I bought my daughter a diamond ring for her 18th. It's not particularly weird!

Why can’t they possibly be sentimental? Can I also not be sentimental about my aunts jewellery, or is that different? (Noting an aunt married to my mums brother is not any blood relation). Can I not be sentimental about the elderly neighbour of my parents? She was a wonderful woman. What are the rules on sentimental? When some of my friends die if they bequeath me anything am I allowed to be sentimental about that? Or not? I am sure it’s not just you may only be sentimental about your biological mum, could you help explain the rules please?

DD gets your rings. As his other DD doesn’t have a ring to inherit from her Mum (which also would have come out of his money just like yours) he can buy her a ring instead. Then it will have sentimental value too.

He bought your DD’s three rings that you will pass on.

Prove me wrong and say something nice about her.

Not need to be so snarky.

I'm merely saying that, in this situation, it's likely that the rings will have more significance to the daughter from the marriage. The DSD can have something else!

Calm down ffs!!

Yes he can leave his other DD what he wants to buy your rings go to your DD. I'm amazed he expects you to give your personal jewellery to your SD.

Does he see his marriage to you as also including his daughter joining your family/becoming your family together. Therefore the rings symbolise this too. Do you have other pieces you could leave to her ?

This. From OP’s posts I get a big sense of dislike and distrust when it comes to her DSD. When you marry someone you also marry everything that comes along with them, children included. They should be treated as you would with your own kids