Wedding rings and DD/DSD

[TheCheekyKob]

I recently had my wedding/Engagement & eternity ring valued at a jewellers for insurance purposes.

A discussion happened after and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

I made a passing comment that it was nice they were valued at more then what we realised but it didn’t really matter as I wouldn’t ever sale them and plan to pass them down to our daughter anyway eventually.

DH was confused and presumed I would pass one to his DSD and I corrected him and said no, I planned to pass all 3 to our daughter as they are my rings. We had a minor ding dong about it in which he said he didn’t think it was fair and as he paid for them he should get to decide where they go after.

I completely disagree with this as yes he may have bought them but he gave them to me! They are the rings that signify our relationship and DSD would probably flog is straight away to get a few quid.

Just for background proposes DH and DSD mum were never married or engaged.

So should I be sharing the rings?

In my Will, my personal jewellery has all been left to DD - wedding ring etc.

I’ve left other bits to my DIL.

You don't like your DSD much, do you?

What happened to us: My mum had 3 rings, one from my paternal grandmother and two of her own. She had them valued and they had similar values. I was given one, my sister was given one and the third was given to my SIL. She wasn't interested in the ring, not her side of the family -but she and my brother are skint so they got the value of the ring (we doubled it to help). In all cases, to sell got £2-300 (so not life changing money) but to insure, value £2-3000.

OP please include your DSD. Families shatter over these things. Just read the edit, yes, a watch would be great. It doesn't matter what it is but please be fair. And please put it all in your will.

Why does anyone have to be “first?” Would you feel that way about two bio children? A bio child and an adopted child? Children should be treated equally as far as possible within their own family.

@TheCheekyKob

Think of it another way... If you had your DD first with someone else, then married this man and had a daughter together, would you be happy if the wedding and engagement ring went to the one daughter that you had together, and not your older DD from a previous relationship?

If yes, then fair enough and stick to your argument that your own DD should have both.

If you feel it would be unfair to give one to your older DD, then perhaps you should see your DH's point of view...

That’s hardly analogous as both would be OP’s children. The scenario with the roles reversed would be “would you expect your DH to leave his jewellery to his stepchild?”.

OP’s stepdaughter is potentially going to inherit from her two parents, same as OP’s daughter.

But both children are her husband's children.

The rings are assets of the family. He paid for them with their money, she wears them.

If you get married then any children of the other partner become part of that family. You can't just go excluding one.

No, they’re her rings.

Not leaving her stepdaughter the rings doesn’t mean she isn’t part of the family, and I’m not sure why that always gets trotted out. She isn’t however OP’s daughter, and as such isn’t going to inherit from OP.

I've got it in my will that my DSD is to have my jewellery, after my family have picked out significant pieces they may want back (I have wedding and engagement rings of grandmothers and great grandmothers in my collection for example) and my engagement and wedding rings will go to my boys.
Whether they decide to reset the diamonds for their own future wife or pass on to their granddaughters in time is up to them, point is that these are the symbols of the marriage of their parents, not DSD.
I'd not be impressed if DH started willy waving about how they actually belong to him either. I don't consider gifts given to anyone else on the planet as still belonging to me so not sure why I'd be the exception here.
Nor are they "assets of the family", it's not the Koh I Noor we are talking about FFS. 🙄

I don’t think your DH has any right to tell you what to do with your property.

BUT I think it would be a lovely gesture for you to give one ring to your DSD, especially since your DD will get 2 anyway. I’m sure it would make her feel loved by you and included.

Why is it bitchy if the OP thinks this is what her SD might do? SD might just not be a sentimental person; or maybe she’s more likely to treasure something from her own mother than a symbol of her father’s marriage to another woman.

You leave them to your daughter , end of.

MN hates stepmothers so you’ll have to ignore most of the people on here!

They were given to you. They are your rings and you can leave them to whomever you want. Just make sure it is in your will.

they are your rings you can do what you want with them but chances are that your daughter won’t be as sentimental about them as you think.

they will go in a box somewhere gathering dust or be sold.

Then surely it doesn’t matter if the OP’s stepdaughter doesn’t get one?

The insurance value bears absolutely no relation to the resale value.

a ring insured for £2k is most likely only worth £500 if sold.

Again, no one is saying the OP can guarantee her daughter won’t sell them. She just thinks it’s more likely her stepdaughter will sell them. If you’re suggesting they won’t necessarily be of sentimental value to OP’s daughter, surely it’s even less likely they will be to her stepdaughter?

It's always a bit dumb to expect someone who isn't your child's parent to feel for them as they do their own children imo.

I think if all of your kids are getting a ring, then it's mean to exclude your SD. Why is your DH leaving his ring to his son? You could leave one of your rings to your son, and your DH leave his to his daughter. Unless you're expecting your son to wear DH's wedding ring? Because that wouldn't happen in my family, it would be weird.

your marriage to her father isn't an important part of her life really

On what basis can you assume this?! As a child who her dad is married to affects her life a great deal.

Plenty of people do. Those that can’t shouldn’t marry people with existing children, in my opinion. It always shows one way or another.

I always find it fascinating that this view is so widely held on here and yet I've never come across a poster stating that a step child should love and treat a step parent exactly the same as their own mother or father.
So we are left with this weird, lopsided expectation instead of everyone just being honest about the actual relationships at play.

I would imagine those are the exception rather than the rule, notable because it is unusual.

If a parent wants their partner to view their child ‘as their own’ then they should make their expectations clear from the very beginning, or you know, not split from the other parent. Ultimately though, it’s not something that can be demanded.

I get that. Iv already said this.

Hence saying they could be sold for a ‘few pounds’ and not a few grand as I understand the resale value is much lower.

Im not sure why people keep saying it.

Have you considered that the resale value would be less than the insurance value OP? You really should think about that 😉

I'm a step child and I would think it was incredibly weird if my step mum left me her wedding/engagement/eternity ring and not my step sister.

Her mum might have other jewellery to pass down to her and her dad could think about any sentimental items he might like to pass down.

It is honest for lots of people 🤷🏻‍♀️

People need to recognise the different set ups - obviously if you marry for a second time when your kids are adults this might not be realistic. Or when you’ve only seen your stepkids EOW. But in situations where you have raised a child since a young age like they are yours, it’s absolutely possible to say you love them like your own and mean it.

As to your second point, I’ve got two adult friends from two different families who say they have four parents having been raised by Mum and SD/Dad and SM from young ages and they do love them all. I’ve also got a relative who went NC with her mum as a teen but her SM is a much loved mum to her and granny to her child.

Families come in all shapes and sizes - it might be unusual but it’s possible and not dishonest!