Wedding rings and DD/DSD

[TheCheekyKob]

I recently had my wedding/Engagement & eternity ring valued at a jewellers for insurance purposes.

A discussion happened after and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

I made a passing comment that it was nice they were valued at more then what we realised but it didn’t really matter as I wouldn’t ever sale them and plan to pass them down to our daughter anyway eventually.

DH was confused and presumed I would pass one to his DSD and I corrected him and said no, I planned to pass all 3 to our daughter as they are my rings. We had a minor ding dong about it in which he said he didn’t think it was fair and as he paid for them he should get to decide where they go after.

I completely disagree with this as yes he may have bought them but he gave them to me! They are the rings that signify our relationship and DSD would probably flog is straight away to get a few quid.

Just for background proposes DH and DSD mum were never married or engaged.

So should I be sharing the rings?

No. I put the laughing emoji next to the sentence ‘il have one too while he’s at it’

To make it clear it’s said in jest. It’s a joke, a bit of humour chucked in considering this thread really isn’t that deep.

Declaring that the ring will be going to your daughter could be seen to undermine the part your husband's daughter is in your family unit. I think this needs to be discussed sensitively to minimise misunderstandings.

Some of the replies on this are insane lol

Ex jewellery shop worker here.
An insurance valuation is no indication of what an item will fetch when sold.
It's always the highest valuation you can get, as in order to get these things replaced they may need to be hand made etc.

If your dsd was to take the ring to a shop to sell, she'd most likely get a price based on the metal price of the day, unless the jeweller was particularly looking to sell a secondhand ring of that type (.50 carat solitaire for example ). She'd get 1/4 of the current retail price of such a ring if she were lucky.
The only way she'd get anywhere near a decent amount for it was if she sold it privately.

All that said, if you have a close relationship with DSD and wanted to make her feel special, you could leave her a ring. If you have no relationship with her then why would you?

My Dad's wife has been weird with me my entire life and I wouldn't want a ring from her.

I don’t think it would be fair to pass jewellery from you to your dsd because she will inherit from her own mum. Is your dh going to make her share with your daughter? No he isn’t. You daughter would lose part of her inheritance and your dsd would inherit twice.

Agree with you op, your rings your decision and I would definitely pass to my DD not DSD. Although I did give my DSD all my jewellery from my Ex-H I didn’t want it, it wasn’t valuable but her and I get on well and I asked if she wanted it and she did. None of it shes be able to wear as the rings in particular were too small but she said it reminds her of me. I’m obviously not with her Dad any more and she never liked any of his other partners. I actually think she took it all just to piss her current stepmother off.

My own DDs will get jewellery from me, with the exception of a watch I’ve said is for my oldest, it belonged to my grandmother who she is named after. They can decide themselves who gets what. I’ve started to buy a new piece every couple of years to make sure they all get a roughly equal share.

The reason why is because OP regards her kids far more implrtant than DSD.

Her attitude stinks towards her. She has told her DH that his DD will get his watch. Knowig she has a son who will more likely wear hisa DF watch, the wedding ring of DF should go to DSD. But this won't happen.

yup it's totally reasonable for him to earmark something of equal value / significance for DSD but no he doesn't get to say who gets your rings.

Her own kids are more important to her than her stepchild, sure.

I imagine she spoke to him about it and he agreed, rather than ‘she told him’ - as if he’s not a grown ass man capable of making his own decision. I also imagine he wants his wedding ring to go to his son, given that it symbolises the marriage of his parents. The DSD isn’t more somehow more worthy of it than his son is.

Honestly 🙄 Iv already said DH made the choice to give his wedding ring to our son. THAT WAS HIS CHOICE AND NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

He thought I’d give one of my rings to DSD, Iv said no and pointed out he has a watch that he can give to DSD and he is now happy with this.

and yes… stated the obvious there but of course my own children come first to me. They are my children and if I don’t put them first then who will? I care for DSD very much but I would be lying if I said I had a bond with her like I do my own daughter and son.
She has a mother, she doesn’t need me to pretend to be hers too.
Its DH who has to treat them all equally. I however am allowed to give my children my belongings if I want.

Why don't you put the money in a savings account for them instead?
My DM died 2 years ago, with it all being shared between myself and my step-sister. My step-dad died the year before. No jewellery was specified in the will, as assets like that are generally only written down as a special addendum, unless there was an item of individual particular value. I had all the jewellery. I gave some to my Aunts and some to my Step-Sister but nobody wanted much. I need to sell some but every time I open the case where it all is I can't bear to.

Unless you get something like sovereigns, jewellery doesn't hold it's value.

I have, but I want them to have something personal from me.

Nothing wrong with that x

My DH is also like this, I've lost count of the number of times I've had to tell him over 42 years of marriage that anything given as a gift ( especially jewellery) becomes the property of the recipient. I wouldn't dream of telling him to whom he should leave anything I've bought him such as watches etc., they are his to do with as he wishes .
I'm also like the OP I've no intention of going any time soon , so the boot may be on the other foot !

Agree with you, There your rings now, do want you want with your possessions… your husband is out of order!

Also, is OP’s stepdaughter’s mother going to give one of her rings to OP’s daughter? If not, why is OP expected to give one of her rings to her stepdaughter?

Tell him she would have no sentimental attachment to it.
Also, once he gave you those rings, they are your property. You can't give someone a gift and then tell the receiver it's yours because you paid.

OP sorry but speaking truthfully, you don't sound very kind at all

Bit weird you have 3 rings to give and won't even entertain the idea that DSD might be given one of them.

You are massively over-stating the importance you seem to be placing on these rings, they aren't terribly expensive and have no other sentimental value (eg they didn't belong to your DM for example).
You seem very immature, like marriage is some kind of achievement and these rings are a symbol of that achievement rather just token jewellery. I'm not bashing engagement rings etc, I just don't understand the reverence around them you seem to have, and the idea that they mustn't be sold after your death. Who gives a shit?

You also seem to be massively over-stating your importance in the world, your DSD is in your life as long as your DH is, and not to acknowledge that and fully embrace your children's half-sibling is very churlish.
Is it because she represents the life and love DH had before he went on to meet you and have additional children with you?

Honestly. I don't think either of them would be fighting over them and probably don't even want them. You're literally fighting Iver something that they probably don't even care about.

So your SD inherits off her mother and you? No.
Your husband can leave what he wants to her but I’m with you. My son isn’t getting any of my jewellery. I loved the bloody bones of him - he’ll get his dads watches.

If I was close to my SD though and brought her up as my own then I think that’s different as you haven’t specified. I would potentially even give her another item of jewellery if she was close.

I’d actually argue that ages do matter and the relationship dynamics is important. I was a step daughter and lived with step mother from young age full time - I was very much a second class citizen and my not so dear step mother would have had the same opinion as you in regards to this type of thing.

If you married DH with children of a young age, they are a whole package and you should be prepared to treat his child as your own. If roles were reversed and your children had a step parent, you’d want that child to be loved and treated equally in the other family.

Also, none of us plan to die soon. But we don’t get a choice in that. You and your DH need to come up with something that’s fair to all children.

This seems contradictory. If the rings are mere trinkets with little sentimental value, and the OP herself is unimportant (weird leap BTW), why does it matter so much if her stepdaughter doesn’t get one?

I would leave one to DSD.

So the rings your husband bought you can only go to your daughter and not your step daughter but if he buys HIS daughter one then he has to buy YOUR daughter one too?

Is that not double standards??