This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

Tell her to mind her own bloody business!!!

Fucking crazy.

so inappropriate Op.

Run to your new job and then leave the country. She’ll think your baby is hers, will have a room for it and will be trying to induce breast feeding next and allowing you access to see your baby one day a week.

Reading your post resonates with me a lot, infact I felt like I had written it, the gaslighting and the awful impact your mother’s behaviour has on you all feels too similar to my own mother and I really empathise with you, my advice? live your life without feeling like you’ve done something wrong (when you clearly haven’t ) your mum will have to get over it.

I know I wouldn't dream of asking my adult daughters about something that is between them and their respective partners. It is nice when they have shared something though.

Her reaction does seem very strange, so I wondered whether there was something else at play. I haven't read the whole thread, so maybe it's already been covered. Do you know why you are an only child? I ask because my father was raised as an only child but had a severely disabled sister who died as a baby. My grandparents absolutely doted on me because of their earlier loss. I've known other couples who had only one child for less traumatic reasons beyond their control, and they were also desperate to be grandparents, although I think they kept that to themselves in front of their child.

job sounds great, move sounds great, your dh sounds perfect for you. Your mum sounds terrible, and having a baby somewhere else sounds like a good plan. She will hate it but you will hate being closer. Can you tell your dad- you know what you said about mum being down about cousins baby? You know that’s not normal right? And Dh and I having a baby is OUR business, it’s not mums. She doesn’t get to be mad at me for not having a baby yet. She doesn’t own me.

Me too, it's horrendous. It's very manipulative and controlling behaviour op- and it's your life and your business between you and your husband.

Your Mother does not get to choose when or if you start planning your family. It is none of her business. Her being upset by, or try to pressure you to follow Her timetable is way out of line. I would tell her kindly that she should not expect you to have an instant family, that is not your plan. I would discourage all conversations with her about when and if.

It's your life - don't forget that. You do what works for you and your husband alone. I mean, if you do want children, I would keep trying even with the new job, and not worry about what happens if you get pregnant.

Your mum sounds messed up; has she got some kind of weird competition going with her sister/brother?

I think its a bit weird that anyone would be so nosey as to basically grill you on your sex life - its nobodies business but your own and next time she asks tell her. In any case most people don't tell anyone when they are pregnant until they are at least 3 months never mind when they are trying. Surely its for you to enjoy and get used to before others start giving "advice" which may not even be wanted. You're not a child, so you shouldn't be treated like one. You say you're not close so its a bit bizarre her wanting to be involved in something as intimate as a pregnancy. There is only room for two people in any marriage and when friends and family start interfering, that is where things can start to go wrong.

Very abnormal!!! I think you’d be better off putting a lot of miles between yourselves and a very controlling mother
dont be bullied… Run!!!

'Cold, selfish, emotionally immature'.

She described herself.

You can read so many tales of mothers or mils who behave in ways which aren't normal, on here. I think those of us reading your posts are seeing that how your mum is now, is easily the precursor for allyhe threads we have read before.

Keep her at a distance. Don't feel guilty for putting yourself first.

What a load of nonsense - the only manipulation that’s happening here is via the op’s mum! She takes to her bed when people don’t do as she demands. And you’re defending that as reasonable. What a skewed perspective you have on the world 🙄

You ask if it is normal. I’d say it is quite normal ie usual for a mum to want to know about future grandchildren and to be excited about the prospect of being a granny. What puts this on the edge of the normality curve is her thinking she has any influence over what happens or has a right to discuss it with you if you don’t want to discuss it with her.

Agree with everyone else, NOT being unreasonable. Ttc is very personal and you are entitled to your privacy. I feel wary about GM who put the pressure on ttc, sometimes it is in their best interest not in the potential mothers best interest, this does not facilitate best foundation to have children. So ttc when you’re ready, and tell people when you’re ready. Wishing you all the best xxx

She is a pathetic, manipulative narcissist. Sounds like you have turned out brilliantly despite her! Well done. A parent’s job is to prepare children to be independent. She has failed on her end but you have taken the reins yourself and are moving on. Keep going! Life is an adventure, and working abroad will be an amazing experience you will never regret. Do not deny yourself wonderful opportunities because of her psychological and emotional pathologies. Not all of us are lucky enough to have mature, supportive parents. Sounds like you made a marvellous marriage. Put your emotional energy into that instead of feeling guilt about a mother who is impossible to please. Have you tried therapy? It can work wonders.

Utterly creepy. It's like she's there in the bedroom with you.

Very, very intrusive.

<shudder>.

I know what others are saying and you're Mum's behaviour is extreme but I wonder why she is behaving this way.
My Mum behaves odd from time to time but I'm fortunate to have a really close relationship with her and we sit down and chat and normally her behaviour is due to some unresolved past issue.
I think sometimes people think our elderly parents should have it all together and be wise & peaceful but actually that is very rare.

If you get the opportunity I'd just sit down and chat with her try and find out why she reacts this way. Then depending on what you find out and if you feel it's appropriate then why not tell her. After all she's your Mum.

Said in kindness so please ignore if this is unhelpful.

My parents asked me if dh and i intended to have children. I didnt realise that was abnormal? They both said they were excited to become grandparents.

It is a bit ott your mum would be upset at someone else in the family having children but it sounds like she is worried about losing you and not being a part of the babies life if you are far away.

If I had said anything remotely connected to when either of my two daughters were thinking about having kids, I would have been well and truly put in my place - and rightly so. My Mum was a bit pushy too but she had to wait and even didn’t get told until we had confirmation. Let your Mum sulk - I’d tell her you aren’t planning on a family for quite a while…..

What would your parents have said if you had replied that you didn't intend to have children?

Seeing a few comments of 'maybe she's meaning it kindly' etc. Just wanted to point out some differences.

I personally shared with my mum when we were ready to TTC, because i was excited. I don't think that's necessarily the weird bit. But my mum NEVER made it about HER expectations, timeliness etc.

That's the weird bit. Nobody, including OP, can will a baby into being. So why is her mum PERSONALLY offended it hasn't happened yet? Why does she think OP would not be having a baby to spite her mum? Why would she make it a race? All very strange behaviour from a mother - I got pregnant literally the moment I got off the pill, but if we had got to 18 months or sth I might have spoken to my mum about feeling sad or disappointed or scared. But its not for HER to be sad and disappointed WITH ME for something I couldn't control.

Go abroad and live your best life OP, with or without a baby ♡

Basically how dare she!!! This is none of her business and she sounds narcissistic to me. I am a grandmother and adore my GC but know the whole fertility issue is a minefield and would never dream of asking about such a personal issue.

I agree it’s weird. I made it clear to my adult children that all I want is for them to be happy. Whether they have their own babies or not is not my business. I am happy with their decision. It doesn’t even enter my head. If they do it will be wonderful if not it will be wonderful. Can’t understand parents pushing for grandchildren.

It sounds like your mum really wants to be a grandparent, but if you're not that close to her anyway then how involved does she think she'd be?