This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

Then she needs to get a life of her own, not interfere with her daughter's life. Living your life vicariously through your children and imposing your ideas on them is not loving, it's smothering.

That is not what a good parent does.

I've had a very busy day so haven't had a chance to reply as individually as I would have liked. I feel like this has been so therapeutic and helpful. Thank you to everyone for all of the support! It has been so helpful. Thank you.

Its got absolutely nithing to do with her. I n future tell her nothing. She needs to live her own life not yours. Mum to 2x 30years old plus children here.

What a nightmare for you. She has no right to any information. Don’t tell her anything you don’t want to.

She sounds rather controlling. This is why she'd be a difficult grandma. Clear boundaries are needed.

My MIL phoned me twice a week for 2years + and the first thing she would say in a loud voice was ‘any news’ which really meant ‘are you pregnant yet’? I was over 30 with a good job but I got loads of vague remarks about this person (that I never met) has had a baby girl and that person (that I was introduced once to at a wedding) had a premature baby boy. She was relentless. So I feel your pain and I’m sorry but your mother is only thinking about herself and needs to cop herself on. If you don’t have a close relationship with her then you would think that now is the time for her to build bridges. Try to ignore her behaviour.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds hard.

Tbh, I think you would be as well to take the job and move far away, and that will give your DM the clarity that she needs. She can then do what she needs to do to get her head straight. Good luck.

FWIW, I am a mother of a very much loved only child. One downside of being a Mum to an only child is that the parents a lot of the time have to act as playmate, sibling and friend as well as parent. That means that they have to work very very hard and walk a number of extremely fine lines. I could well imagine they they could end up a bit knackered and failing to separate at the end of it. I think that unhooking your Mum for a bit and leaving her to gently steam could be a good idea.

The new company I'm moving to has offices/links all over the world and there is an option to move abroad down the line, depending. Before all this happened, I wouldn't have entertained the thought of moving away but now I'm starting to wonder why am I staying when the world is my oyster? I've been researching some of the destinations and think maybe it's time to spread my wings a bit, who knows. This whole episode has left a sour taste in my mouth and this year I have constantly felt like I keep doing something wrong by just living my life and being me. Every time there is a self pitying comment which paints me as the bad guy, it goes straight into my heart. I feel like a bystander walking along the street and getting attacked while minding my own business. Does that make sense?

Gosh OP, I feel for you! Well done for looking into the research that has been sent your way! I was just wondering about your dad as I feel sorry for him being married to your mum! Do you think he’s okay?

I'd love to be a grandparent one day and my children probably know it but I wouldn't be demanding them to tell me their plans. You only get to choose how many of your own children you have (biology issues aside) you can't demand the next generation to work to your time scale or wants.

You need to be strong and set some boundaries with your mum. This is really unfair.

Of course you don’t need to tell her when you’re ttc. It’s ‘normal’ to tell family members once you are pregnant.

Did your mum want more children? Is she keen for you to have a baby to fill a void she had? Or is she competitive and wants to as she might see it ‘keep up’ with relatives?

Yeah I do, thank you. I don't want to go into to it too much, but yes, he's fine. He isn't a wilting wallflower, let put it that way!

This is absolutely NOT normal! Your mum needs to back off.

Mother sounds like a classic narcissist- fact is she has no right or say in how you live your life, you’ve been an adult for over a decade and she needs to stop thinking she has any right to tell you what to do or try and make you feel bad and guilt trip you if you don’t do what she wants- no wonder you have not been close since you were a teenager, she sounds extremely trying. Only way to manage people like this is impose strong boundaries and be firm when she pressures you that it’s your life and your decision and your not responsible for how she feels and your not obliged to live your life to suit her.

I'm amazed that you're so balanced and sensible with a mother like that! I would take a look at this site: https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Some tough reading on there, but when I referred my cousin to it (because her late mother, my aunt, was a raging narc) she found it helpful and it made sense of a lot of stuff. She had a weak enabling dad so it was a tough road.

But honestly, keep those eyes open now that you know it's not you, it's her!

She is DEFINITELY out of order. I'm longing to be a grandma, I feel so left out when all my friends are talking about their grandchildren. But I also know it is absolutely none of my business, and I wouldn't dream of asking about it or put any pressure on my kids. You must do whatever is right for you and your husband, and do your best to ignore your mother, however difficult that might be.

I've read OP posts only, but I'm sure I'll be adding to a chorus saying please move as far away as you can!
If she's like this about TTC then she's going to be grandmother-zilla when you do have kids. I hope the advice here can help you set boundaries. Good luck with everything 💐 The world is your oyster!

‘Where she stood’?

As far away as bloody possible!

"She wanted to know where she stood..."

She knew perfectly well where she stood. She was demanding you reveal intimate information between you and your new husband, backed by an uncomfortable level of entitlement in the way she continued to push you. No, it's not normal and it's time to enforce some boundaries.

Your mum is fortunate that you continue to engage with her about it, but move forward by managing her expectations asap. Setting the behaviour standards now will also save you having to deal with entitled grandparent through pregnancy and beyond. Trust me, you want to cross that headache off your list right now. Examples include wanting to come to every scan, decorate your nursery, be in the delivery room, be the first to hold your baby, etc. Most of us get tearful and overwhelmed in the early days but "homicidal" is definitely a comment you don't want in your red baby record book.

Reset the situation by saying this is putting you in a difficult position in relation to your DH. You feel it's a personal matter between the two of you, and you won't discuss it from now on unless there is information you both decide to share.

She'll turn emotional to get you to talk, but stand firm and remember the headache I mentioned earlier. It's an investment in your motherhood.

OP a lot of your posts really resonated with me and my relationship with my mother. I had some counselling sessions in my early 30s initially for what I thought was work related stress and ended up unpacking all the FOG, narcissism and parentification I had experienced. It was a lot and I'm still working through it now. If you can afford counselling or have free access via work I really recommend this to help you with boundaries and you'll feel so much lighter.

This flip side is I've found that having someone in your life like this has left me with super powers at work reading clients and staff emotional states and fantastic intuition to help create good relationships and drive performance.

Remember you are not responsible for her reactions to decisions you make about your life. You are not selfish or wrong for placing your needs and wants above hers.

That is beyond weird. My daughter also recently married and I know wants to try for children pretty soon. I don’t ask if they are trying as it just seems like over stepping! I’m also not really desperate to be a grandmother. I never think about it. How old is your mum? I’m 54 and DH is 51. Our main focus is travel and exploring far flung places. Is your mum quite old?

Your mom is controlling psycho. Asking you where SHE stands in regards to YOU staring a family?

create distance NOW. And keep it that way. It will only get worse.

It's not normal. I'm an only child and decided long ago I didn't want children. Neither of my parents (who were divorced) ever mentioned children to me, not even once. The decision when, or indeed if, to have children is yours and your DH's, nothing to do with anyone else.

Not at all normal! She seems to be a control freak and no wonder trying to control your life and decisions; getting visibly upset when things don't go her way.. also she would be the similar controlling gm to your kids..

I have seen mother in laws behaving like this ( my own dear mil is exactly like your DM), not mums. You need to have boundaries set as to what she can force upon you and what not. It's not going to be a pleasant talk but it needs to be done. It's your personal life and you and your dp are the only concerned parties. All the best x