This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

I'm still wondering what the saga of Beautiful3's 'friend' has to do with the OP's problem. 😂

Quite sure the OP is capable of making the decision about a child for herself, without scaremongering stories about not being fertile over the age of 30

For the record, I do want kids and we actually are trying again but I can't sit in limbo with no job etc. I do know my mum had a lot of fertility issues so am not taking it for granted that I'll get pregnant easily. At the same time I would like to establish some financial security and find more of a kid friendly place. Whichever comes first, comes first.

Somebody asked about my husband. He is very emotionally safe. Not moody, grumpy, very level headed, friendly and easy going. Kind and no sides to him. He doesn't fall out with me and really pushes me and encourages me out of my comfort zone. I've done so much since I've been with him as he believes in me so much. I don't think mum likes him much.

Somebody said that they would be proud if I was their daughter. Gosh, that hit me! I just don't understand why I seem to annoy her so much. I did well in school and university, and make friends everywhere I go. People often tell me that I'm a good friend to them and all of my friendships are easy, chilled amd rewarding. I just love people and feel like I can relate to nearly everyone. I always do really well in any job I've ever had and I just have a good reputation as a nice person and hard worker. I think I'm a very balanced person and I generally am a very happy person, aside from this.

It's like literally everyone likes me except her! My dad constantly tells me how proud he is of me but she kind of scowls or puts on a v fake uncomfortable smile if anyone says anything to me. Conversely, my mum has told me through the years that I'm cold, selfish and emotionally immature. I'm coming to realise that she just will never accept me fot anything other than what she can get out of me. Not financially but emotionally.

Your mother is not normal. Your father may well know this but has ways of managing.

One of my DC is the same age as you - their reproductive plans are none of my business unless they choose to tell me. There is nothing more stressful than parents and nosy friends constantly half asking about your plans.

The only thing I've ever said to any of them on the subject is "please don't struggle in silence" - if they were struggling I would want to help and have the resources to help.

Unsurprisingly many of my friends have children around this age and take pretty much the same line. Happy to listen, but its not something you demand to know.

Op, I have no doubt you'll resonate with this:

vm.tiktok.com/ZGeuuxfHe/

That looks like a dodgy link but it's a psychologist talking about narcissistic mothers. Promise!

Gosh I really did resonate with that ! Withdrawing love when I'm not doing the right thing stood out.

I am an only child and my mother couldn't have more. She played a long game though. She always said children were a tremendous responsibility and you had to be sure. When she found out she was going to be a grandmother when I was 34 and married for five years, she was overjoyed. But the first thing she knew about it was when she got the phone call - she lived in another city. The same with the second when I was 37. She was a great grandma and the children loved her dearly.

"I just don't understand why I seem to annoy her so much... It's like literally everyone likes me except her!"

because, despite her failure as a nurturing loving mother, you have become everything she is not & more than she ever could be. And it irks her. The problem she has with you are the problems she has with herself.

@Thempolsoltch

Somebody said that they would be proud if I was their daughter. Gosh, that hit me! I just don't understand why I seem to annoy her so much. I did well in school and university, and make friends everywhere I go. People often tell me that I'm a good friend to them and all of my friendships are easy, chilled amd rewarding. I just love people and feel like I can relate to nearly everyone. I always do really well in any job I've ever had and I just have a good reputation as a nice person and hard worker. I think I'm a very balanced person and I generally am a very happy person, aside from this.

She is jealous of you. Who you've developed into, your ambitions and achievements, your friendships, including your friendship and love from your husband who encourages you to reach to be the best person you can be, is supportive, etc.... 🌹

This response really amazed me. Thank you.
I always ask myself this question (having a mother like OP's).
It sounds very possible. They can't be happy for you, it's like they are in a competition with you for anything you achive, academic, friendships, etc and that weird competition started in my early teenage years.

OP I found having my own children is very healing. You are so happy for their achievements, (even more than your own!)
Having a totally different relationship with your children is really rewarding and in a way helps with your past/ present crappy relationship with your mother.

I understood my mother a lot better when I realised that every unpleasant thing she said about me was projection of her own feelings about herself.

It was none of my DP's business 40 years ago so I can't believe a modern couple would discuss it with their DPs!

It’s none of her business!
tell her nothing until late pregnancy or when you have had a baby because she is going to be such an interfering gm and she will stress you out unless you get some distance between you and her as in move far away so you and hubby can enjoy your pregnancy together in peace.
Good luck 🤞 op!

It's no one else's business when you have a baby other than you and your husband! 😁

THIS. Where she stands is that when you and your partner have children she will become a grandmother. Whether she will have an active role in the lives of her grandchildren depends very much on you setting boundaries and her demonstrating she is able to respect them between now and then. This emotional manipulation is completely unacceptable and others pandering to her emotional manipulation of others is also completely unacceptable. Put them all on notice and observe what happens - their behaviour will determine your future choices.

Hmmm i've seen this before. Even more of a nightmare when/if you do get pregnant. Whining why she isn't babysitting or questioning you going out for the evening. Arguing about your choice of baby clothes/childs name etc...

Nip this in the bud. Tell her your family planning agenda is of no concern to her. If/when you do get pregnant she will be the first to know but how the child is raised will be your choice.

She may WISH to be a grandma, but no right to insist upon it or interfere with your decisions. However, not sure we are getting full picture here as you said you DID tell her you were TTc. Depending on your own grandparents’ input/ previous discussions/ the reality of expensive childcare perhaps she thought you would be depending on or expecting her input with childcare/ babysitting etc?? On that basis possible she has made plans around that- only to find( in her view) you are now heading far away and avoiding getting pregnant?? If you genuinely have never implied ( intentionally or otherwise) that you would hope for any support or input from her then yes, she’s being unreasonable; but in that case why did you share with her that you were ttc in the first place?!

That sounds completely mental. What’s going on in your marital bed and marriage in general is no one’s business but you and your spouse.

Parents have children so they can live their own lives, not live ours for us. I have two kids in late teens and I have no life outside of them and their dad because I’ve been his carer since they were toddlers so not had the opportunity.
BUT their life is not my business. Have they picked the education paths I’d have wanted them to? No. Have they picked the hobbies I’d have wanted them to? No. Heck they didn’t even pick the bedroom decorations I’d have chosen but that’s their choice. As long as they are not doing anything harmful to themselves I support them. You sound like a thoughtful, kind, intelligent woman and resourceful to put on a wedding on a shoestring budget in this economy! As long as you’re happy that should be enough for your mother and if it isn’t that is her problem not yours.

You don’t owe your mother a grandchild. She needs to be respectful of your life choices and understand that you will never be close to her while she imposes her desires on you. And the thing with cold shouldering you over someone else being pregnant is really childish. Poor you, she’s being horrible

She’s nuts.

Mum is Batshit!

I think you just need to have a conversation with her or wrongly it she feels she needs to be able to plan she’s made some assumptions that need putting right. No it’s none of her business in many ways but also much more of a shame it’s not something you can have an open conversation about. There’s probably no malice in it annoying as it is she just wants to be a grandma she’s been silly in her reaction though . Obviously stuff has gone on in the past which makes the conversation/ relationship more difficult.

Hi OP, you are not unreasonable for finding this uncomfortable. She is being very invasive and insensitive - what if you were struggling with your own worries about infertility or had found out it wasn't possible?

Definitely would recommend putting some boundaries in place - you don't owe her a grandchild. Children aren't ever guaranteed, even if you're young and healthy, and nobody should act as if they are entitled to them. The only people who matter in the decision to have babies are you and your husband.

Not saying you should do this, but when I was in my early 20s my mum didn't like that I was dating my now-husband and living with him out of wedlock. She made a comment about him 'only being with me for the sex' or something equally as humiliating and degrading. Something snapped in me and I gave as good as I got, replying 'well I must be pretty good in the sack coz he's been with me 6 years!' She blushed and never commented on it again. Might just take one embarrassing comment back to shame her out of commenting again. Incidentally my mum loves my husband now we are married lol.

Is she a bit lonely and desperate to get closer and feel better connected to you? Obviously being a grandmother would be an ideal opportunity for her.