This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

It's none of her business. Tell her to back off, she's being unreasonable.

Oh my goodness my love - you own your own body and decisions. She should respect that! You must stick to your guns. I had a terrible first labour and swore never to have another. I was pressurised by Hubble and MIL to have another and I held out. Even my own mother said no more. So the point is you must be your own person at this point in life. Otherwise you risk making decisions that aren’t your own and that will eat away at you - believe mw I know - good luck and be strong. Remember our patents aren’t always automatically wise just because they are our parents ❤️❤️❤️

Are you an only child by choice or circumstance? Do you think your mum might have wanted another and couldn’t for wherever reason so is now trying to live vicariously through you?

I agree!

None of her damn business.
And id tell her so.

My mum kept banging on about grandchildren, despite having 2 from my brother. I basically told her she was asking if we were having sex. She stopped asking.

With hindsight you all could have handled this a lot better.

You got your mum all excited by saying you and hubby were trying for a child.

In the meantime you want a child, you don't want a child, you want to explore life, then you want a child again, you're moving house and getting a new job. All of which are stressful events, which inhibit you getting pregnant, but you're going to run through the pinball machine of life and see what it throws at you. (Good for you.)

And secretly you don't really want to become pregnant in the first 6 months of your new job.

And are you moving further away from wannabee excited granny? (Of course she knows cousin announced she's having a baby after 1 month of marriage. If your father knows, she knows.)

With hindsight, you would have told mum that the first 18 months of your marriage was going to be hectic, because there might be career changes and house moves, but children is a goal of yours.

But you didn't. You leapt straight in there and announced you were trying for a child.

And now instead of respecting her, and telling her, you're putting children on hold for a year (whether true or not) you're being evasive and keeping her at arm's length.

Give her a story. Let her go wail to her friends that her beautiful daughter is wasting the first 18 months of her marriage on a career. And get her off your back for 18 months.

But a little bit cruel and stupid to tell her you were trying for a child and now not telling her anything - and defending your right to privacy.

Should have asked for privacy at the outset. You are playing with her emotions, in a non-nice way.

Your mum sounds a “bit” controlling” and I think you may be a pleaser. I, too, am an only child and can resonate with your feelings. It’s hard, but you need to stick to your guns and don’t let emotions and sentiments creep in. Your mum should be proud of you and your choices, rather than everything being on her terms. Sorry, I don’t think your Dad helps matters either. So sorry, but you are 30, not 13. You and your husband need to do your own thing and hope your Mum sees this as a “no - win” for her. Only way to change her attitude. Good luck!

Not normal, very petulant, self obsessed and controlling. Much like my mother but when I was expecting my 3rd she refused to speak to me are all. Loads of distance and give bland and minimum information. Strict boundaries or you'll find your baby becomes "her" baby.

The poor woman’s ‘broody by proxy’. Not uncommon, I believe. Live through it.

Your mother needs to live her own life and let you live yours. She put far too much weight on how people might perceive your wedding and now, on how she will look as a grandmother. Instead of being proud of you and your life she is making an issue when things don't follow the plan in her head. I think you need to set boundaries, it's up to you whether you let her know those boundaries.

I'm glad your moving I feel like she would be a nightmare if you did get pregnant and want to co trim everything and have the Abby on her terms.

Your business, your life tell her to butt out x

Yeesh. No, not normal. My mum only found out we wanted kids when I told her I was 12 weeks and had had my first scan. I'd always said we wouldn't!

Despite DS being the only one on both sides there was no pressure.

I'm a mum of 3 adult children. I love them to the moon and back and they are wonderful. Two are married and I would absolutely never have asked them of their plans to have children pr anything personal. It looks like our third adult child may decide to get married to her boyfriend soon, but I will never ask her about her plans unless she drops elephant sized hints that she'd like my input. It's up to her to tell us. One raises children to be independent adults. It's completely their decision to tell you what they want you to know.

Good grief! She is not normal and none of this is any of her business!
It sounds like she has problems with boundaries, so if and when you have a baby, you'll need to anticipate how you want the relationship to go with your mum. And jump on any infractions straight away.
Btw, congrats on your new job! You'll do the right thing re mum when the time comes x

She sounds like my mother. Desperate for grandchildren. No interest in them once they arrived apart from showing photos and boasting about their achievements to her friends at the Over 60s Club.

None of her business, tell her to pull herself together and stop being so fucking wet. Good job you’re moving to the other side of the country because she sounds like she’d be an absolute nightmare of an entitled grandparent. Run away!!!

Exactly my thoughts. You often don't realise how messed up a relationship is when you're in this dynamic. At some point you will see it with absolute clarity. She is not treating you well with all this one bit!

It’s absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her and she has no business asking you. Sounds like she would be a very meddling GM if you did have a child. You need to be firm with her from now on.

Absolutely baffling behaviour. Not normal and a worrying overidentification in that she seems to think this situation is about her. It sounds like the move will be really good for you to get some distance from her. I'd refuse to give her any information about ttc and when/if you do get pregnant I'd be very vague, because it sounds like she has a real issue with boundaries and should there be any complications she'd be a nightmare (I imagine a miscarriage would also be about her). Really feeling for you OP, and your dad having to tiptoe around it. She's allowed to feel what she feels, but it's not OK that she's made it a problem for you and others.

You are right, it is not normal.

In my experience this is perfectly normal.

Unfortunately it's also totally unacceptable behaviour.

Congratulations on your new flash job and well done for moving well away ftom her. She's going to need to be kept on a short leash, that one.

Whatever you decide and whatever happens your fertility is none of her beeswax.

Coming out of the FOG is really hard, so go easy on yourself as you process things. It is great that you have a loving and supportive DH. The job opportunity sounds great too and moving further away from your parents could be seen as a bonus in many many ways. If/when you do have children, the last thing you need is your mum on the doorstep criticising your parenting! Getting married puts a distance between you and her, gives her less power. Likewise you moving away. She won’t like that and will layer on the guilt. Do whatever you can to resist it - agree boundaries with your DH, get some therapy (can’t tell you how incredibly helpful I’ve found it), post on MN for support - these early stages of realisation are the hardest both for you and for her, so expect her to keep pushing back hard for a while. Stand firm OP!

Obviously it's none of her business (or your Dad's), I don't really understand why she feels so invested, is she planning to be full time childcare?

It doesn't matter if you have battalions of cousins having babies it's still none of their business.
Your relationship with your Mum obviously means it would be best to tell her as little as possible.
Good luck with the career move- Your baby plans will happen on their own schedule, stop worrying and that will help.

This is way too intrusive, even from a close family member.
I'd been married a couple of years when l met an acquaintance in the street.
Her first words were "No family YET?"
I was so taken aback, l just said no. If she hadn't caught me on the back foot, l'd have replied with something like "No, not yet, Christine. We've been at it like rabbits for months, but no joy so far."
For all she knew l could have been desperate to get pregnant, but hadn't, or we could have been having problems, and was extremely sensitive and upset about what she said.

It's beyond crass and unbelievably rude. No one's business but yours.