Today's telling off from DH

[Wowohwow88]

DH and I are not in a good place at the moment. I have really tried but everything I say or do is wrong in his eyes.

We are going away for the weekend with the children for 4 days tomorrow. I had to work today in the office, and he the day off. Today I have been moaned at for:

Staying half an hour late at work to handover to the team some work they need to cover for me

Went into the office rather than asking to wfh as we're taking my car and he wanted to load it up (Thuraday is a day I have to be in the office and I wanted to do my handover in person. We're not leaving until 12pm tomorrow)

Got a text message to say I had stacked the cups in the cupboard wrong (they didn't fall out he just didn't like the way it was done)

He has been off all week while I have been working do naturally a few bits for the holiday have fallen to him although I have done all of the clothes washing, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and the general day to day house stuff as well as dropping off and picking up youngest DC from nursery.

It feels like because he has to do a few bits he feels like he is fed up and makes me feel like i don't do enough

Coercive control.

He won’t change. Make a safe plan to leave. This will escalate if he thinks you might leave.

I haven't flippantly said that I'd leave him, as I know how hard that can be, - especially when you have kids - but yes, that is exactly what I did.

@Wowohwow88

Serious question, why do you put up with it? Are you afraid of him, either physically or 'verbally'? I'm not 'victim blaming' you. I just want you to think about why you don't tell him to fuck off (or words to that effect). If my DH criticizes something I do with no justification I tell him "If you don't like the way I do it, then from now on it's your job" and I don't 'fear' his reaction.

Your DH is doing this to keep you 'down' and make you feel unworthy, especially the part about hating your job. Men do this when they know they are not worthy of us in order to keep us from opening our eyes one morning and saying "Oh, hell no!! and walking out". And they 'hate' our jobs because they give us independence. The constant criticism is to wear you down to the point where you quit just to stop his verbal abuse.

You really, really need to think about what you want for your life. Is this the way you want to live the next 10,20, or even 50 years of your life?

DH and I only interupt each other's work days for emergencies like child pick-up arrangements changing. I don't like the wsy my husband does certain chores but many years ago I accepted if he does them then he'll do them his way and I'm lucky I didn't have to do that chore (he does more than his share). Your husband sounds awful and you should leave him. You sound like a happy successful person and a good parent and he is just bringing you down.

This is clearly not a one off and you do not deserve to live like this . He clearly doesn’t value your work .

I am not going to be like everyone else and suggest LTB as the only option . This is due to personal experience and I hope it helps . Obviously - if there is any form of abuse then discount what I say . I am basing it on the premise of him just making digs and I get the impression that you are in a miserable place right now .

My marriage almost ended . I love my husband , I never stopped . But the marriage became draining with constant digs and little arguments. No matter what I did , it was wrong. Everything was my fault . If he opened a cupboard and something fell it was because I hadn’t stacked them properly . If he had no clothes - although he is a grown man capable of washing - it was MY fault because I was only washing my clothes when I washed ( I wasn’t necessarily, but I would look at what was needed for the next day for eg for me and the children and wash it but I didn’t see why I should check with him if he needed anything when we both work ! ) , pretty much just everything was my fault . We weren’t getting on - looking back now I was also doing the same to him in certain ways and I was nagging him but in the moment I didn’t see it as I was miserable and that’s how it was coming out . We were like strangers , didn’t feel like a team at all . We were barely having sex , he never stopped with compliments about my looks or letting me know he was attracted to me - but I felt undervalued as a person and neglected as a person so I did not feel like sex . Again, on reflection after talking to him sex is a way to regain that closeness for him, a way he thinks he can show love to me … without talking about things but that’s not what it is to me .

Anyway - to move on and get to my point . For us , and I think a lot of relationships, this constant bickering was the result of deeper , underlying issues . If there aren’t any other issues at play and he’s just a dick this is irrelevant… but for us there was . Now this is entirely personal to me , there is nothing to suggest this is YOUR ‘catalyst’ for the situation, but for us it was that my husband is an alcoholic. It’s something that really we had both avoided for a long time ( there was no abuse , children weren’t affected , he wasn’t pouring vodka on his cornflakes so he’s not an alcoholic , right ?! ) that gradually progressed . I knew deep down that drink was an issue but I didn’t think he was an alcoholic , I didn’t think he had this opinion of his drinking and I just thought all he’s going to see is me stopping him relaxing in his way ) so I never said anything . But our relationship deteriorated to the point that although I loved him , I was miserable . Later on after talking I found that he felt all I ever did was moan at him - I did moan a lot for me I was resenting him and unhappy and that’s how I showed it - he also later explained that he would be craving alcohol constantly and that every little thing just got to him .

Anyway , it came to a head. We had an argument after both drinking ( I have no issue with alcohol but it just so happened we had been out together, child free , and clearly we weren’t in a good place and in all honesty it was me who started the argument - I just felt angry and I didn’t say anything about his drinking but just kind of , full of emotion, went off at him about how our relationship was crap , why were we even together , i was miserable , he didn’t make me happy etc ) . Ended in a bad argument and us going to different houses . The next morning I woke up and just felt defeated . I didn’t speak to him but in my head I just thought “ I give up “ . I couldn’t carry on living with someone who found fault in everything. When I went home he was waiting and asked for an honest discussion . That’s when he opened up about his drinking , how he felt in its grip and he was addicted . How he knew it was the root of our unhappiness and that all the nagging and moaning etc came as a result of the grip it had on him .

Fast forward 4 months and I am the happiest I have ever been. He’s completely sober . He’s a different person and as a result of that , I am too . We don’t argue , we feel like a team , we spend quality time together . Everything is better and I feel more in love with him than I ever have .

Im not saying your DH is an alcoholic- but I’m saying is there a deeper issue between you ? Because your post - I could have wrote it - I was utterly miserable , but by addressing things and finding that deeper issue and by being open and honest and that goes for now too - we still have to be open and honest - we were able to save our marriage .

What sort of age is this guy? He really does sound like a grumpy old man.

Does he ever try to be affectionate to you, intimate etc?

Does he have a mental health issue, a perfectionist? If he is like this just with you and not anyone else then it's just nasty.

My exh was like this. He once called me losing his mind when I was dealing with an emergency about an hour away, freaking out that he couldn't find a key for the shed - while he was holding the spare key in his hand... I could hear the DC hysterical in the background as he had been screaming at them about losing it. It was awful. Constant criticism about the house, my parenting, my decisions, constantly checking up on me and making passive-aggressive remarks. He was in the military (although even they had enough of him eventually and last I heard he was fired) and I found myself DREADING the weekends he would be coming home, and counting down the seconds until he left again. I was so much happier when he wasn't there.

I left him. He was NEVER going to change. All the posters telling you to sit him down and state your boundaries etc mean well, but the fact is it doesn't matter how many times you try to talk to him, he will never change. He doesn't care. He knows you are worth SO much better than a life with him, and he's bullying you, trying to control you, trying to belittle and demean you. Don't let him. Contact Women's Aid and start making plans to separate.

It's not easy, I totally get that, but it's so worth it. My kids are older now and cannot be arsed with their pathetic excuse of a dad - I haven't ever bad-mouthed him and didn't stop contact so they've figured that out for themselves. They're becoming amazing young adults, I'm so proud of them and credit myself in part for getting them away from him before it was too late and he had too much influence on their lives. And I'm so content - life is peaceful. I love it.

Anyway, that was a long way of trying to emphasise one thing - he will never, EVER change. You don't have to live with him truly feeling he has the RIGHT to tell you off. Fuck that!

My maternal grandmother was destroyed by her marriage. I have photos of her as a young woman - beautiful, smiling and carefree. After 50 years with my grandfather, she was a physical and psychological wreck, tanked up to the eyeballs on anti-depressants, tranquillisers and sleeping pills. She had numerous breakdowns and would literally shake with anxiety. I’m sure her awful death was triggered by the stress and medication.

It hurts me to write this, because I felt sorry for my grandfather (he’d had an awful childhood), but he wore her down like the OPs partner is doing. He’d yell at her as well. My poor mother suffered terribly from being caught between them. All her life she tried to shield my grandmother from my grandfather. In retrospect, I sometimes feel angry with my grandmother for not fighting back. She allowed him to get away with it, and that meant my mother had to grow up in the cross fire. To this day she’s a nervous wreck. She also can’t stand up for herself either, mainly because she spent her childhood tiptoeing around my grandfather.

What I’m left wondering is why he gets to be boss? No discussion, no compromise, it’s his way. Why? Do you not count?

For goodness sake do NOT leave your job. Leave him, but do not leave your job.

Great post. When it comes to people changing, I think we have to be realistic. Fine, sit down with your partner and ‘state your boundaries’ and so on, but it’s pointless unless the faults are minor. I feel the same about marriage guidance. Marriage guidance should only be for happy couples, not unhappy ones. If you are in a shit relationship, with someone whose company you don’t enjoy, leave. He or she won’t change. You can’t change what you fundamentally are. A nasty, petty, miserable, picky little bully isn’t going to transform into a warm, broad-minded, good-humoured man.

If you really love your partner and they make your happy, then it’s worth talking out your problems or visiting a counsellor. That way you iron out the petty irritations that are ruining something good. You can only polish up a good relationship. You can’t polish up a bad one.

Long time lurker here. I’ve never said this before, but LTB.
If he thinks it is acceptable the way he speaks to and texts you, there’s no point in considering counselling.

OMFG, I'm so sorry to read this, sorry and enraged.
What a bastard of a Grandfather, I have to say.
My own father was a pig, probably because of his "experience" in the Army (another country).
I didn't care and moved out as soon as I could and don't regret a step.
Also, apologies for my earlier OCD comment about this pathetic, whining t*at of a "husband".
OP should imagine her life without him and slowly make it reality.
😔

He's not going to change. You can try and sit him down and discuss but I don't believe it will do any good. He is grinding you down with constant criticism and trying to make you feel incompetent. He is undermining your work precisely because he knows you love it. I'm afraid I think it's either leave him or leave him later, and if you leave him later, you will regret the wasted years.

This is abuse, OP. You deserve better. Ducks in a row time.

Ive just read post about OP being sent a photo by her H to show she'd left the top off the milk.

Are you the same OP?

Anyway whether or not you are - its 2024 I'm actually astounded that women are putting up with these tedious, passive aggressive men. What on earth can be attractive about them?

Anyway youve had good advice on thread and I hope you take it. This is a nonsensical way to live.

First Rule of This House:
Anyone who has a beef about the way any job is being done, is free to do either of the following:
1.Take the job over
2.Shut the F up about it

He sounds awful OP - exhausting and depressing for you.

Do you think he would go to marriage counselling or acknowledge how his behaviour is affecting you?

I do think you need to know what is your breaking point. He just sounds like a dickhead

He's abusing you and you're exposing your children to it which will have a huge effect on their emotional health growing up. The longer you stay the worse it will become

On reading your post it seems that your husband is not happy with his life and is jealous that you are content in parts of your life (your job being a prime example). So your husband crushes you by repeatedly putting you down which then makes him feel bigger and better about his own perceived failings iykwim.

If I were in your shoes I suppose I would be thinking long and hard if I could spend the rest of my life with this face ache and what it would do to my own spirit in the long run if I decided to stay with him.

Drive him out to the middle of the wilderness and let him go. He can happily criticize what nature is doing wrong for the rest of his days without bringing anyone else down with him.

I'd leave him on holiday. That's not a way to live.

God the curtain not being done properly - Jesus wtf. You poor thing.

I'd be a total nightmare: cups stacked upside down, curtains done the wrong way. All on purpose mind you.

This is your life, so something needs to be done and I don't say that in a hire a hit man sort of way You have to ask yourself what do you want? Surely not this.

You have a great job, he’s being controlling and an asshole as he can’t control your work. Is this what you want for your life? You deserve much more.

Do you really want to live like this?
Your children will copy his behaviour
.

He is trying to get you fired. No one thinks if you are on a work call you should hang up if he talks. He is trying to destroy your life. Honestly he’s adding up the control and isn’t a nice person