Today's telling off from DH

[Wowohwow88]

DH and I are not in a good place at the moment. I have really tried but everything I say or do is wrong in his eyes.

We are going away for the weekend with the children for 4 days tomorrow. I had to work today in the office, and he the day off. Today I have been moaned at for:

Staying half an hour late at work to handover to the team some work they need to cover for me

Went into the office rather than asking to wfh as we're taking my car and he wanted to load it up (Thuraday is a day I have to be in the office and I wanted to do my handover in person. We're not leaving until 12pm tomorrow)

Got a text message to say I had stacked the cups in the cupboard wrong (they didn't fall out he just didn't like the way it was done)

He has been off all week while I have been working do naturally a few bits for the holiday have fallen to him although I have done all of the clothes washing, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and the general day to day house stuff as well as dropping off and picking up youngest DC from nursery.

It feels like because he has to do a few bits he feels like he is fed up and makes me feel like i don't do enough

Spat my tea out @monkeysonthemoon but seriously @Wowohwow88 he is treating you like you work for him and he is a bad boss! He is also jealous of you/your job. Disrespecting you expecting you to stop to talk to him. Don’t let him undermine you. As others have said, HE is the problem here and I’d be making plans to separate/divorce.

This is so true. My children (13 and 11) have got into the habit lately of leaving their dishes on the side in the morning if the dishwasher's full, rather than unloading it. This morning there were also smears of jam all over the table. I considered sending them a text as a friendly reminder but decided that it was ridiculous and I should just talk to them face to face.

If they'd put something away in the wrong place or just not as I liked it I'd have sorted it out without giving it a second thought! (Also, who's to say your way is 'wrong'? Is there a central authority that determines this?)

Basically he is a miserable bastard that is pissed off because you love your job and have the audacity to leave him looking after his children now and then. He is on a mission to make your life miserable, he is already starting on the children and will make their childhood unhappy. Get rid now as he will only get worse and will only stop when you reach rock bottom, that is is mission.

OP, kindly, what you describe isn’t simply a couple not being in a great place. A couple not being in a great place is things like being too busy to spend quality time together, not communicating enough, life pressures of juggling work, young kids etc. But underlying it all is love and respect.

OP, what you describe is abuse.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try, you are married to a man who abuses you. You can’t fix this. He is grinding you down. Taking away your self-confidence, your self-worth.

I think you need to start seeing this for what it is and start imagining a life without him. Then you can start making plans to leave.

Take care x

@Wowohwow88 he's doing it on purpose. He is wearing you down so you'll end up being a full time housewife and then he can beat you down financially.

Your marriage is already dead in the water because he is threatened by you. He knows you can do it all and he can't so he's trying to control you.

Honestly, your life would be happier, healthier and easier without him trying to manipulate you ever day to make his man-feelings feel better that he isn't able to meet your amazingness.

I haven’t rtft, but I have read all your posts.
You sound like me 10 years ago. 10 years ago with the help of an amazing friend I finally released that no matter what my H said I wasn’t the problem.
Your H is abusive and belittling. The longer you stay, the more you loose your sense of self.
As a start, mention how he is to your friends and family. It’s nothing to be ashamed of (they may already have seen more than you realise). The more you see his behaviour through others eyes the easier it is to see it for the belittling, nasty behaviour it is
PS of course he hates your job, it gives you agency, self belief and self esteem.

Good luck

This. People like this only ever get worse. I would tell him to get to fuck. It's over anyway!

If he wouldn't speak to his manager or best mate like that, your marriage has no chance. Get out while you are young. Set him free to 'educate' others.

OP the more you type the more it's clear that he is an abusive, controlling arse wipe. The good news is you can make yours and the kid's lives instantly better by leaving, because you aren't dependent on him. He belongs in the bin, where he can moan about curtains and cups to his heart's content and no one will care.

@BiscuitTins

"PS of course he hates your job, it gives you agency, self belief and self esteem."

This is exactly what it is.

He thinks you're not fit to look after the children, yet he leaves them in your sole care during his football weekends away???

He's a nasty and abusive bully.

You need to have a frank conversation with him ASAP. He needs to shape up or ship out.

I'd also worry about him using the same bullying tactics on your children.

Sounds like its ultimatum time. He can shape up or ship out.

What he's doing to you is awful.

What he is doing to your DC, or will do to them as they get older, is hopefulyl the kick you need to realise this. Because you don't say how old they are but I guarantee that this nitpicking on them will start too. And children are messy and untidy and a bit thoughtless which means it will be x5000.

Do you yourself think this is acceptable in a marriage?
Why do you go along with him on this?
I understand why you have posted here for support, but do you plan to do anything about his behaviour, or will you just keep humouring him?

@Wowohwow88 why are you still with him? Genuine question.

He clearly doesn’t like you.

That's the first image that popped into my mind too. The husband who insisted that all the tins be stacked two-deep in the cupboard with all their labels facing outward.

Does this pearl of a man think he's married to Kryton?

No wonder you are not in a good place, OP. In your shoes I know exactly what I'd tell him to do. Prick.

Yes, this is what I realised was happening in my first marriage: H was criticising me to 7yo DD1 who then repeated it to me or to DD2 in my hearing, I forget which. It was one of the main spurs to my leaving. I know he continued to criticise me ("out of concern" supposedly), but at least my actions made it clear I didn't agree with him. And living without him, the sunshine came back into our lives and I was freed to be a much better parent to them.

@Wowohwow88 i get the feeling you’re going to feel overwhelmed with the replies to this thread.

take a breath, we’re not attacking you, or berating you in any way, our reaction is of shock in what you’re going through and incredulity that he can consider this appropriate way to treat you.

hes awful. I’m sorry but he is.

he hates your job because you love it and if he can get you to leave it, he’ll be able to isolate you more than perhaps he’s already done.

there is no changing him. He won’t ever get any better, only worse.

you do need to look at how life could be improved by taking him out of your day to day life.

put your ducks in a row and look at your options.

Why do you tolerate this shit? Sit him down, tell him it stops, right now, or you’ll be consulting a solicitor. Imagine what his behaviour - and your acceptance of it - is teaching your children.

OP this is abuse and it will not get better. He sees as his servant.

Havent RTFT. Can't really help you with practical advice as I am in the process of trying to leave my relationship but my partner sounds very similar to yours. Things having to be done his way and no respect for your job etc but expects you to respect his (I'd be moaned at to get logged off when I have crazy deadlines and can't but fine if he does last minute overtime). When you say he tells you you are not fit to look after the children, I don't have kids but my partner has said stuff like this to me a million times like I'm not fit to look after the dog myself or to go out alone. It's all designed to make you doubt yourself. I am literally a shell of the person I was when I was single having put up with constant criticism on these seemingly small things every single day of life and I bet you are too. It is so fucking draining. Just to say I'm with you, I understand partly how you feel. I also think you should LTB (although I know it seems so impossible atm).

Why do you believe he is better than you?! I've put my partner on a pedestal for years and I'm finally realising he is not better than me and if anything I'm a much "better" person than him as a nice and kind person who does not abuse their partner!

Not fit to look after the children?! He’s right, you can cope with the young ones but definitely not the adult sized spoilt baby throwing tantrums, so he best remove himself.
He’s a nasty, controlling, abusive loser op. Pack his shit in the car and change the locks xx

He says I am not fit to look after the children because of some of the decisions I make (youngest dc's favourite thing at the moment is to play with the tap, dh can't stand letting him play with the water where as I think its harmless) but dh thinks its perfectly acceptable to go away for weekend with mates for football and leave the dc with me

Well, this is clearly part of his strategy to control you. Do you find yourself thinking that if you left he'd make it impossible for you to keep the children or worry that he might keep you from them?

He hates your job? can I ask why? did you use to be a SAHM and now he's pissed that you're not there doing all the work and chores? Do you earn more than him? Is he threatened?

It sounds like you are doing the vast bulk of household tasks and childcare as it is so I don't think you need to be scared of any threats. Use this thread as an example - we probably all get a bit annoyed at our partners doing things differently to us side-eyes DH's inability to load the dishwasher in a sensible way but normal healthy people don't go on and on and on about small things, nor do we send text messages complaining about how a cupboard is paced.

I wouldn't be taking that crap from my husband. Sounds like a miserable sod.

"Did you really just text me from work to tell me I'd stacked the cupboard wrong?! Someone needs to get a life."

My X Husband, would moan about the tupperwear cupboard. I was a sham, two toddlers, did everything, and I mean everything.

One day he emptied it all out and re organised it, then lectured me about how this is how all drawers/cupboards should be, this was his standard. He could achieve it why couldn't i.
I stood there fantasising about stabbing him with the fork in my hand.

A few weeks later he put labels on the shelves in the cup/glass cupboard...He never got better, he just got worse.

Took me many a year to finally divorce the arsehole..that's the future OP.

Runningaway90: Why do you believe he is better than you?! I've put my partner on a pedestal for years and I'm finally realising he is not better than me and if anything I'm a much "better" person than him as a nice and kind person who does not abuse their partner!

Damn right you are! 1,000%. So glad you are realising this and taking steps!