Today's telling off from DH

[Wowohwow88]

DH and I are not in a good place at the moment. I have really tried but everything I say or do is wrong in his eyes.

We are going away for the weekend with the children for 4 days tomorrow. I had to work today in the office, and he the day off. Today I have been moaned at for:

Staying half an hour late at work to handover to the team some work they need to cover for me

Went into the office rather than asking to wfh as we're taking my car and he wanted to load it up (Thuraday is a day I have to be in the office and I wanted to do my handover in person. We're not leaving until 12pm tomorrow)

Got a text message to say I had stacked the cups in the cupboard wrong (they didn't fall out he just didn't like the way it was done)

He has been off all week while I have been working do naturally a few bits for the holiday have fallen to him although I have done all of the clothes washing, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and the general day to day house stuff as well as dropping off and picking up youngest DC from nursery.

It feels like because he has to do a few bits he feels like he is fed up and makes me feel like i don't do enough

Coercive control and he's probably jealous of you and what you can and do achieve on a daily basis. An arse.

This! The fact is that he is jealous of you, OP, and your obvious success in your job. Sad, pathetic little man. It isn't any fault of yours - he should be proud of you, not denigrating and belittling you at every opportunity. You could do SO much better.

Can you bluntly tell him to stop moaning because it’s pissing you off? You are doing nothing wrong.

Do not quit your job, he’ll think he bloody owns you if you do that.

Yes this is normal behavior. I expect some form of daily mention of something I have done wrong. Its honestly draining.

LEAVE!!!! There isn't really much more to say. This man is awful, seems to think he's either your shit boss or your shit parent and doesn't remotely see you as an equal. You and the kids deserve so much better than this.

Imagine spening the next 20, 30, 40 years of your life being told off for puttingcups in a cupboard wrong?? Life is far too short for that shit.

What a huge misogynist. If that was my husband he's be drop kicked out of the front door.
Miserable twat. I literally would not stand for it. Neither should you.

You need some “Controlling Fuckwit Bingo Cards”
Complains About Curtains - Tick
Complains That I Work Too Much From Home - Tick
Complains That I have Gone into the Office - Tick
Complains That there is Nothing to Eat - Tick
Complains That I have Spent too much on Groceries - Tick
Complains that I am Unfit Parent - Tick
Complains that I don’t spend enough quality time with him -Tick

My sister was in a similar situation. She told him if he didn't cheer up, start supporting her, pulling him weight on the house/with the kids and stop saying nasty stuff then she would divorce him.
It worked, he's much nicer now. Think it was a wake up call.
No one wants a useless man baby.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? I wouldn’t.

@Wowohwow88 my dh got a bit critical when he retired, strangely the previous 40 years when he worked I’d been doing everything right!
In his case I told him that he’s not my boss. I never load the dishwasher now because he always rearranges it. Occasionally he’ll ask could I put something straight into the dishwasher and I tell him no, that boat has sailed.

You need to ignore him op. Don’t respond, don’t correct whatever it is just act like he’s an invisible mute.

You are his equal.
Dont ever forget that.

I am a nag myself about petty stuff and having read this thread, I am inspired to cut it out now, must be a real pain for my DP. And truth is partly I nag because he won’t push back, so maybe you need to stand up for yourself.

If he walks in when I am on a call he expects me to stop the call to talk to him and gets annoyed when I ignore him as I'm on a call

Wtaf?

I've been married for nearly 30yrs & have never been told off/criticised or corrected for the way I do stuff-obviously because it's not normal!

I have to say that playing with a tap would wind me up as I can't bear to see water wasted!

That aside he's abusive isn't he?

And truth is partly I nag because he won’t push back,

So you want to cause arguments?

I'm so sorry, OP. He's very clearly an abusive bellend. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life waking up in the morning wondering what he's going to be complaining about that day? Bollocks to that.

Keep the good job, ditch the moaner.

I am so sorry you are living with this.

him saying you’re not fit to look after the children is horrendous. Hideous. Stop for a minute and think, how would you feel if someone else spoke that way about their spouse?
I’m so sorry. Know you sound amazing to us, and as others have said, maybe write it all down t keep a record.

The more you say the more it comes out. I posted earlier and my advice still stands.

He is saying you are not a fit parent despite birthing them because you let them play and don’t micromanage them with the order they stack cups. I would actually meet with him and set out my earlier boundaries and then say ‘you ever say I’m not fit to parent my own children who I birthed and love and collect and drop off and meet all their needs including playing and downtime and not being frightened of being moaned at by you (as you have subjected me to for x years) and you can fuck right off - you ever say it again it’s a divorce. I’ve had enough - enough

@Wowohwow88 what a beautiful reply from @Longlazyday
That really touched me.
Please take it to heart.

In your shoes OP I would be very clear and lay it on the table this isn't acceptable and either stops or you divorce him.

Realistically it sounds like he is controlling and its best to leave him full stop but that might be too much of a daunting step at this point. But this behaviour is not normal and should not be accepted.

He sent you a text to say you’d stacked the cups wrong! Oh my good, wtf is wrong with him? He sounds like a miserable, nasty, fussy, petty little twerp. Ugghh. You don’t have to hit or yell at someone to abuse them. You can do it through lots of nasty, passive-aggressive little acts, gnawing away at their confidence and making them feel worthless. He’s obviously unhappy and taking out his misery on you.

This is not normal behavior and honestly I would divorce him. ASAP! You don't need someone like that in your life, this is domestic abuse!

You don’t have to live like this, OP

My sister was in this sort of marriage. He ‘trained’ the kids to speak to her like this too. They used to gang up, mock her, criticise her and nothing she ever did was good enough. Like the boiling frog, she didn’t see what was happening but we used to walk out of their house fuming. I did on occasion say ‘don’t speak to her like that’ but it was futile.

She left after 25 years at 50 and bitterly regrets the time she wasted. She’s never really got her self esteem back and the kids still have a tendency to pick her up on trivial mistakes. Don’t be my sister.

Roll your eyes and tell him to stop bleating

sounds to me like he's attention seeking...