Page 2 | Today's telling off from DH

Wowohwow88 · 2024-04-11T20:00:45+00:00

DH and I are not in a good place at the moment. I have really tried but everything I say or do is wrong in his eyes. We are going away for the weekend with the children for 4 days tomorrow. I had to work today in the office, and he the day off. Today I have been moaned at for: Staying half an hour late at work to handover to the team some work they need to cover for me Went into the office rather than asking to wfh as we're taking my car and he wanted to load it up (Thuraday is a day I have to be in the office and I wanted to do my handover in person. We're not leaving until 12pm tomorrow) Got a text message to say I had stacked the cups in the cupboard wrong (they didn't fall out he just didn't like the way it was done) He has been off all week while I have been working do naturally a few bits for the holiday have fallen to him although I have done all of the clothes washing, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and the general day to day house stuff as well as dropping off and picking up youngest DC from nursery. It feels like because he has to do a few bits he feels like he is fed up and makes me feel like i don't do enough

JacobsCrackle · 11/04/2024 22:09

What you describe is a kind of abuse, op. Could you leave? What’s your financial situation like?

bellezarara · 11/04/2024 22:09

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 22:05

Yes this is normal behavior. I expect some form of daily mention of something I have done wrong. Its honestly draining.

Usual themes are

The curtain isn't done properly (we have patio doors and he has a thing about the curtain being done in a certain way to stop the dc tripping over. I honestly do it how he has shown me every day and every day I am moaned at for it)

I work too much. I work 9-5 ish. Stop for lunch sometimes but that's usually either sorting a load of washing out or doing the school run when eldest dc is at school. If he walks in when I am on a call he expects me to stop the call to talk to him and gets annoyed when I ignore him as I'm on a call

I empty the dishwasher before work but occasionally forget to put something away (a bowl or a cup) will get called lazy or told that I must have been rushing back to work if I miss it. He won't then put it away himself, it will be left out for me to do

He’s abusive OP.

You and him are not in a good way because you need to leave him.

bringmorewashing · 11/04/2024 22:16

Sorry OP, this sounds horrible for you. His behaviour is not normal and he sounds a misery. What does he do if you don't follow his instructions? What if you just told him to do it himself? Or laughed at him and reminded him you're not staff??

MistyGreenAndBlue · 11/04/2024 22:16

He resents you. Your job perhaps? Do you out earn him?

Or just the fact that, because you work, he has to muck in and do some actual housework.

Perhaps you're supposed to do it all AND work. After all, it's women's work, right? It's clearly beneath him.

Maybe he's upset that he doesn't earn enough to have a SAHW. His pride is suffering?

Who cares? You COULD try to get to the bottom of this. But, if it were me, I'd just ditch him.

Whatever the reason, his response is to try to put you in your place. He won't get better.

jannier · 11/04/2024 22:18

Bye

Avatartar · 11/04/2024 22:19

OP you need to keep a record of all of this, then reflect on it. You’ll realise it’s totally beyond normal and it reads as if he’s just deliberately trying to wind you up rather than be useful so collectively you all get ready for time away together. You may consider splitting up as this is a deliberate undermining strategy and that’s not the signs of someone who loves you

pointythings · 11/04/2024 22:19

If you don't want to go straight to leaving him (though you should), you can try one Come to Jesus talk in which you tell him that the criticism stops RIGHT NOW, he learns to respect your boundaries when you are WORKING, and he sorts it if he thinks you've stacked cups or loaded the dishwasher 'wrong' in his eyes.

And if he doesn't step up and change radically, and quickly, you dump him.

AnnieSnap · 11/04/2024 22:23

pointythings · 11/04/2024 22:19

If you don't want to go straight to leaving him (though you should), you can try one Come to Jesus talk in which you tell him that the criticism stops RIGHT NOW, he learns to respect your boundaries when you are WORKING, and he sorts it if he thinks you've stacked cups or loaded the dishwasher 'wrong' in his eyes.

And if he doesn't step up and change radically, and quickly, you dump him.

I think this 👆is the way forward. You need to put a firm boundary down. His behaviour is unacceptable.

ThinWomansBrain · 11/04/2024 22:26

wherever you go on holiday - leave twatface there.

Italianita · 11/04/2024 22:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 11/04/2024 22:30

I vote for the abandoning him in your holiday destination option

If he's gonna moan at you, give him something to bloody moan about!!!

SootikinSweep · 11/04/2024 22:31

Dh stacked the cups wrongly a couple of days ago. He always does when he empties the dishwasher. However I am fully aware that I am an anal weirdo with OCD tendencies and therefore will quietly reorganise to my liking, be grateful that the dishwasher was done by someone other than me, and I certainly wouldn’t dream of making an utter arse of myself by texting dh to moan about it.

merrymelodies · 11/04/2024 22:31

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2024 21:33

You not in a good place because you're married to a complete dickhead.

I really am sorry. My advice is to seek a divorce. If you have to stay, I suggest going nuclear sometimes, "I'll stack the fucking cups any way I please. You're not my manager and I'm not staff. Stack them yourself if you care but don't waste your breath telling me. FFS." I could be more grown up and talk about assertiveness skills but he's clearly doing it in full knowledge he's a wanker.

This

coxesorangepippin · 11/04/2024 22:32

Very sleeping with the enemy

I couldn't stand this

And I can take a lot

coxesorangepippin · 11/04/2024 22:33

What Mrs. P said

AcheyBalzac · 11/04/2024 22:34

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 22:05

Yes this is normal behavior. I expect some form of daily mention of something I have done wrong. Its honestly draining.

Usual themes are

The curtain isn't done properly (we have patio doors and he has a thing about the curtain being done in a certain way to stop the dc tripping over. I honestly do it how he has shown me every day and every day I am moaned at for it)

I work too much. I work 9-5 ish. Stop for lunch sometimes but that's usually either sorting a load of washing out or doing the school run when eldest dc is at school. If he walks in when I am on a call he expects me to stop the call to talk to him and gets annoyed when I ignore him as I'm on a call

I empty the dishwasher before work but occasionally forget to put something away (a bowl or a cup) will get called lazy or told that I must have been rushing back to work if I miss it. He won't then put it away himself, it will be left out for me to do

Is this always how things are or just since you’ve been in a bad place (as touched on in the OP)?

Alwaysbloodytired · 11/04/2024 22:35

Sorry but what an arsehole!
If my DH messaged me to moan that I'd stacked the cups wrong, I'd beat him about the head with said cups!

Lavender14 · 11/04/2024 22:35

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 21:41

I didn't respond immediately to the comment on the cups, I was in a call so didn't want to be rude and pick up my phone and it was about an hour later that I replied with something else...however I was also moaned at about the length of time it took me to reply

Op, this is all controlling behaviour and a form of emotional abuse. That type of criticism over otherwise little things over a long period of time can wear someone down hugely. He sounds like he would prefer for you to stay home where he has total control over you and can shirk all his responsibilities which is why your work is such a bug bear.

I would seek support from womens aid while you decide what you want to do next. But op his behaviour isn't normal, it's not healthy and it's abusive. You can try as hard as you have in you, but ultimately if his end goal is to put responsibility on your shoulders and control you, then you'll never be able to make this better- he won't let you and you can't make relationship work one sided.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 11/04/2024 22:37

SootikinSweep · 11/04/2024 22:31

Dh stacked the cups wrongly a couple of days ago. He always does when he empties the dishwasher. However I am fully aware that I am an anal weirdo with OCD tendencies and therefore will quietly reorganise to my liking, be grateful that the dishwasher was done by someone other than me, and I certainly wouldn’t dream of making an utter arse of myself by texting dh to moan about it.

This, he may think it, but it’s the absolute ENTITLEMENT to text you at work to tell you that you’re shit.

OP, I can guarantee you are worth more than this douche.

Lavender14 · 11/04/2024 22:37

P.s no matter what happens next, do not reduce your hours at work or leave work. That's your ticket to freedom should you decide at some point you need to take it.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 11/04/2024 22:38

I'd text every morning to ask what had I forgotten to do/what had I done wrong today.

Garlicchilli · 11/04/2024 22:40

Unload the dishwasher apart from the cups; leave the curtain the way YOU want it to be; make him wait for a loooong time for your attention - all of which a male friend of mine would advise to “learn” him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/04/2024 22:41

He is unbelievably petty. Can I ask whether you earn more than he does? It sounds as though he's trying to put you in your place.

Maryamlouise · 11/04/2024 22:43

Have somewhat similar - sometimes think he thinks he is helping by pointing out how to do something well (but is weirdly OCD about his way being the best) and other times that it is that he feels like he does more stuff so is a bit resentful that I have left out cups etc (because he does more visible stuff like dishwasher but I do anything/everything that requires thinking, planning, researching etc). When I posted in relationships was told I needed to be more considerate so this thread is interesting. Sadly I have no solution but thinking about sorting counselling and also the Fair Play system to agree on tasks and agreed standards for them

KidsandKindness · 11/04/2024 22:46

I am seriously SHOCKED OP! It's bad enough that he thinks the cups not being stacked to his particular liking, warrants a text telling you off about it in the first place, but then another telling off because you didn't respond straight away?????? This is absolute MADNESS!!

Why on earth are you continuing to bother working at this relationship, it seriously isn't worth the effort, and as you said yourself, 'everything you say or do is wrong in his eyes'. As far as I'm aware we are free to do what we wish in this country, so why are you willingly staying in what is in my opinion, nothing but a prison, where you are expected to do as you are told 24/7?

I must admit I can't help asking myself, if he's actually resorted to 'punishing' you physically yet, and if that is perhaps the reason, that you try so hard to do everything just as he likes it, as men like this, do tend to become violent when people fail to do as they are told.

Please OP, stop taking this shit from this man, you've said your relationship is on rocky ground, and I dare say, based on experience, that far from the long weekend away, being a time of fun and relaxation, it will be spent walking on eggshells to keep this God of a man happy.

Finally, can I ask how old your children are OP? As I'm hoping they're really young, and won't remember all this as they get older, as what you're currently allowing yourself and them to live with, will be really damaging, and if they are older, and I'd lay odds that they're scared of him, which is no way to feel about your father.

My advice as you've probably already gathered, is to get your ducks in a row, and leave a.s.a.p., as his abuse will be mentally damaging, even if he hasn't gone further yet.